


Triumvirate

by shenkleys



Series: OT3: Alliance Spectre Trinity [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 01:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1025723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenkleys/pseuds/shenkleys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An on and off screen chronicle of ME1, and the developing relationship between the human trio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eden Prime

 

**Commander:**

 

The first thing Shepard does is to ask her if she’s hurt, and Ashley has to catch her breath, quell down on her body buzzing with adrenaline after she had just ran and ducked from bullets trying to breach her shields. Quell down on the fresh images in her head of her entire team having their bodies dismembered, blood curdling screams bouncing around her skull, steadying her roaring pulse deafening everything else as she breathes harshly through her mouth, sweat dripping down the sides of her face. There is an obvious commanding presence, Shepard’s voice strong and curious, asking about Spectres, beacons, and turians that Ashley simply doesn’t have enough information on.

The bright N7 emblazoned on the Commander’s armour jumps out, stark red on black drawing her attention for a second before she snaps back to the eyes trained confidently on her, with Ashley trying her best to arrange the massacre in her head in order so the words tumbling from her dry throat makes sense. Shepard questions Ash to the limit, and it ticks her off slightly because _I’m just a soldier, dammit_ , she doesn’t know anything about the attack. The Commander nods, spares a brief glance to the man standing beside her, and then...

‘’Join us, Williams. I’m sure we could use your help.’’

There is nothing for her on this planet anymore, nothing but revenge. A once beautiful paradise ravaged by murderous robots and gunfire tearing through anyone standing in their way. The air hangs heavily, smells strongly of smoke, the ground cluttered with bits of synthetic metal, and Ashley latches onto the offer, swearing by her dead crew already starting to decompose on earth soaked with their blood. She’s grateful for the request, for she does not want to muck about on her own, fighting to stay alive when the odds are stacking up against her. It’s an offer she cannot refuse, understanding the need for survival because she sure as fuck isn’t going to die on some distant planet without ever seeing her little sisters again, and Ashley says her thanks to the God she worships, agrees to fall in stride and lead them to the mysterious beacon they’re so interested in. But not before Shepard rounds on the man stalking beside her, exchanging quick whispers and curt nods, their omni-tools lighting up on their wrists, combining their interfaces together and sharing something. The Commander glances at Ashley again, dark eyes sweeping over the length of her body, lingering critically on select, damaged areas, where there are mild dents and the whiteness of her hardsuit is scorched black from geth technology they don't understand. Shepard passes some extra medi-gel to her which she had just collated from herself and her Lieutenant, ‘’You’re gonna need it, Chief, take it,’’ is the only thing the Commander says, and Ashley finds herself unable to refuse again.

They take off down the beaten dirt path, winding past more dead civilians with mangled bodies, geth blasters eating into their flesh mercilessly, past empty and deserted beacon spots, where Shepard stops to cock her head to the side, listening to her communications. The Chief watches the Commander bristle slightly in annoyance as she takes in the scene, but they continue, forcing their way into the confined hideout of scientists scared shitless, and Ashley sees first hand more wringing and wrenching any bit of news of the attack and the geth as the Commander holds unwavering against disruptive talk of some _‘’Prophet’’_ and an _‘’eternity of darkness,’’_  her composure remaining steady in the face of incoherent prattle. The two scientists are incredibly flustered, all jerky hands and shaky heads, but nothing beats the look of pure shock on Dr. Warren’s face as Shepard slinks her limber form like a cat quickly behind Dr. Manuel’s stunned expression, bringing her arm to lock tight around the rambling man’s throat faster than he can figure out what's happening. Ashley watches, lit brown eyes fascinated, while she feels the Lieutenant still beside her, apparently not as impressed or as approving with the military precision chokehold as she is. Dr. Manuel struggles and wheezes for a bit, long fingers clawing against the forearm strangling him, legs trying to kick her off, before his eyes roll back, head falling onto the Commander’s armoured shoulder pad silently. Shepard unlocks her arm and gently lowers the unconscious body to the floor, shrugging off Dr. Warren’s panicked stuttering with a calm and controlled ‘’He could’ve been a danger to you, or himself. It’s better this way,’’ and then handing her a pistol they had found, telling her to remain safe in the shed before embarking along once more like nothing had ever happened.

Ashley soon finds out Shepard is one part pure force and power, her shotgun swinging from her hands, destructive bursts piercing the reddened sky as she blows apart geth and husks alike with ease, and one part cunning, silver tongue playing upon people’s weak conscience, half whispering menace in their ears. She weasels out smuggled weapons and grenades, a sly mix of appealing to their sense of right, or simply appealing to their sense of wanting to stay alive and not pissing off an intimidating N7 operative bearing down on them glowing with the cackle of a blue barrier wrapped around her. Firearm oh so casually pointed towards their feet with an almost manic gleam in her eye, almost wanting them to resist swaying to her will just so she can find a reason for her finger on her trigger to maybe blow a toe off. Ashley also soon finds out Shepard takes hits for the team, closing in on looming geth chargers, their distinctive bright maroon metal gleaming in the fainting sunlight, overheating her shotgun and overworking her pulsing barrier to the limit when rockets come flying against the thin azure shimmer of protection. Or, throwing her Staff Lieutenant away from flashing green waves sucking him in. The Chief holds the reeling man beside her on her knees as she sees the Commander dragged upwards from the pull, watches with mouth agape and hasty worry about Shepard’s spine near snapping from its taut position, or shoulders being dislocated from their sockets due to excessive pressure, before she’s tossed backwards with an explosion, lying prone on the deck with blood escaping her nose and ears, trickling down to stain her face.

 

 

**Lieutenant:**

 

The first thing Alenko does is to pace about restlessly, and Ashley’s eyes are drawn to his fidgeting behind Shepard, the Lieutenant gripping onto his pistol as he double and triple checks their perimeter. His slow striding contrasts with the Commander’s rigid form, and Alenko seems to have half a brain listening in on their conversation, and the other half on high alert as he sweeps his view around them, almost like he expects the geth to start digging their way up from being secretly buried in the churned earth, ready to spring an ambush on the unsuspecting trio. He doesn’t seem relaxed, body coiled up like a spring, awaiting an enemy to pop out behind the bend his head keeps darting back to, very much overly aware of his surroundings. The Lieutenant speaks up about the geth, but otherwise stays behind Shepard, casting a permanent eye on her frame, drinking in the back and forth silently, a face tight in concentration behind a grey helmet. Ashley zeroes in on Alenko’s light armour and weapon choice, and it comes immediately to her experienced mind; _support trooper_ , she thinks. And that status is confirmed when they come across their first batch of husks; mindless, empty eyes boring into her soul as their unnatural groaning cuts through sharper than any geth blaster ever could, cutting deep into where Ash holds onto her humanity. Where Shepard closes in and favours her shotgun over her biotics, Alenko lingers back, arms stretching outwards, blue glimmer around him smoother and gentler than the roughness of the Commander’s, immediately letting the Chief know he's more in control of that dark energy than Shepard is. Ashley drops her husk to see the Lieutenant’s lifted into the air, before his pistol plugs it dead, multiple shots coming in fast and riddling through the skeletal body in precise timings.

Where Shepard is kneeled on the ground, gloved fingers prodding the dull corpse and silently inspecting the creatures, Alenko isn’t, seemingly a prevalent characteristic to voice out his thoughts on them while Ashley examines what were once metal spikes hoisting their bodies into the air, like some kind of sadistic trophy proudly displayed for all to see, guts and organs barely held together on dead skin by cord. She shivers, pointing her rifle at it, not sure where it would do the most damage because she wants to blow that shit to pieces, dismantle it past repair with the weight in her hands so it could never hurt another innocent ever again. ‘’It’s sick... turning our own people against us. They’re just civilians,’’ Ashley grunts out, and Alenko hums in agreement, his eyes flashing in anger as he takes in the dead bodies wrinkled beyond recognition, invasive cables tearing through flesh in delicate areas, disgusting splicing of wire and skin. The Lieutenant sighs and shakes his head, ‘’Classic psychological warfare. The geth are using our own terror as their weapon.’’ He crouches down and carefully opens the panel at the bottom of the spike, where with his omni-tool, he scans then keys in something to short out the system, wary of the sparks flying in his face, swinging his arm to send the same... _virus?_ Or whatever, to the others; the Chief isn’t sure. Alenko looks back up at her where Ashley’s standing with a frown on her face, silently wondering why she can’t just blast it to hell. ‘’You sure you destroyed it?’’ is what comes out of her mouth instead, but before he can reply, there is an explosion to their sides, and Ashley spins to see Shepard warping the base of one of the spikes, the metal twisting and screeching under the power of her biotics, crushed internally by her mind, and then turning to get off a few blasts from her shotgun to another platform. Both platforms smash inwards, crumpling within, charred ruins spitting around where it once stood, structure and form diminished with sharp potency. Alenko finally stands, steps back once he sees the light grin on Ashley’s face, who shrugs nonchalantly and plants a timed grenade on their platform base, retreating to see it splinter to scraps, a visual picture of her displeasure for the mechanism.

Alenko turns to eye the two of them, lips stretched just slightly to ground out ‘’I _think_ it’s destroyed now,’’ sarcasm bleeding out from one quirked brow, yet face remaining near unreadable. Ashley doesn’t tell him she never doubted his omni-tool expertise, doesn’t tell him she simply wanted to see the machinery detonate, giving her rare comfort on her mission which has gone straight to the dumps now, wanting that small satisfaction in the face of grander heartbreak. It’s the opposite; the Chief certain of Alenko’s skill set, just like the Commander is, standing back to allow her Lieutenant to unlock anything they comes across. He crouches down with the same poise, squinting as he decrypts without needing explosions of his own, sending and receiving signals where he deciphers instead of letting them smash through doors with brute force like they would without him. The Chief notices immediately; Alenko uses his omni-tool with much more grace than either of them ever will, simultaneously running programmes and other drives as he digs through wirelessly without the hail of gunfire, maintaining the same calm as Shepard and herself provide him cover, picking off sneaky geth pouncing on them while he sweats it over the geth bombs, gritting his teeth and delicately hunching over the block where the smallest blunder could see their limbs ripped out and thrown in opposite directions.

Ashley is more interested in the razed background of the mysterious ship’s landing, ground desecrated for as many miles as she can see, green life burnt to crisp and fires blooming everywhere. Black smoke blots out the sky as orange embers refuse to die out, licking up and torching what is now an ironically named planet, but she marks another mental checklist for Alenko, assured of his sensitivity, his head snapping to the pulsing beacon where tired eyes narrow and are awe as he mumbles to himself about fascinating prothean technology, more in tune to the faint humming the Chief can barely make out. She leaves him to it, but then, sees the Lieutenant struggling away, his feet unable to find purchase on solid ground. It happens so fast, and then,  _‘’Shepard!’_ ’ Alenko sounds absolutely stricken, but Ashley is steadfast, clutching him to her, feeling the pins on her knees as her mind screams in confusion, and it’s over, the man she’s holding onto helpless to get back up standing like his strength has been drained, crawling desperately on palms and breathing ragged, turning the body of his Commander towards him. His omni-tool flashes open instantly, wasting no time in examining her, while the Chief tunes in to the ship’s frequencies Alenko had passed to her earlier. They don’t speak; Ashley bending down to try to stop the bleeding, fingers unclasping seals on the Commander’s armour, while Alenko feverishly scans her brainwaves, trying to figure out what’s amiss so he can fix it.

‘’I don’t... I don’t know what’s wrong. She’s just-‘’ he pauses, hisses through teeth in frustration as Ashley ignores her intuition picking up on the Lieutenant’s guilt, but she feels the panic clearly, _he thinks it’s his fault_. Ashley concentrates on wiping the blood away from Shepard’s face, double checking for fractured or broken bones, for a concussion or other flesh wounds, while Alenko’s fingers dabble for deeper functions. He lets out a harsh exhale through his nose, hands running through his hair after he yanks off his helmet to toss it to the side, ‘’She’s just not _responding!_ ’’ The three of them are huddled on the deck, and when the ship lands – _holy shit, that is a beauty_ , Ash’s mind stutters – she hooks her arms around Shepard’s calves with Alenko having his around her underarms, speaking tensely into his communications for medical help on standby.

Ashley, half carrying an unconscious Commander, doesn’t think twice about following Alenko onto the _Normandy_.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Alenko:**

 

She sits in the mess hall with the Lieutenant, who’s munching down furiously on a calorie bar, lines worming their way onto his face as they await news. It’s been hours; Captain Anderson ( _my God, it’s Captain Anderson!_ ) barking endless questions at them, burly form gazing at his XO lying on the med-table, palm on Shepard’s forehead almost fatherly and hard edges softening just a tad as he tries to pretend not to fuss over the Commander which everyone obviously sees through. Doctor Chakwas patiently inquiring every single thing leading up to Shepard’s unconsciousness, asking about the blood which had pooled out of her, downloading every scanned file on Alenko’s omni-tool for herself while muttering under her breath about tampering with mysterious alien technologies. Ashley feels so out of place, unsure of what to do, and the man sitting opposite her doesn’t put her mind at ease at, because Alenko is too fidgety, the subtle clenching of his hands under the table which the Chief can see from the tense muscles on his forearm making her irritated, his countless stolen glances to the med-bay where the Commander is lying blissfully blind to the growing shitstorm surrounding them.

When Alenko crumples the calorie bar wrapper in a fist and reaches for another one, almost angrily, that’s when the Chief’s resolve breaks, and she turns a steely gaze on him, getting straight to the matter because Ashley Williams has no patience to fuck about, ‘’You know it might not even be you who triggered the beacon, right?’’ He looks up at her, and underneath the rage of dead civilians, there's a deep abyss of worry and uneasiness, like he can’t push past what he considers his own irresponsibility or lack in judgement on the field. Another look to the med-bay certifies Ashley’s thoughts, but he answers anyway, ‘’Maybe. But I... I shouldn’t have gone to it in the first place,'' he replies sadly, ''We don’t know anything about it, I wasn’t thinking.’’ The remorse and regret eats away in Ashley, and she doesn’t say anymore, gripping her mug of slosh tight because she has her own problems to deal with, her own horrors of the past few hours still fresh in her mind, of soldiers who died without reason, of farmers who turned into monsters. The silence between them becomes almost unbearable after a while, but Alenko thankfully hones in on it, chucks away his wrappers in a bin and jerks up, ‘’I’m gonna check on the Commander again,’’ vanishing behind her swiftly to put distance between them.

 

 

**Shepard:**

 

Ashley just about manages not to twist her fingers nervously standing outside the Captain’s cabin, half in awe of the _Normandy’s_ interior design and smooth, new decks, half looking at Shepard walking up to her. The irrational portion of her brain self-condemns herself for something which she knows isn’t her fault, forcing her grief, unable to shake off the feeling of _wrongness_ that she's where she is now. But Shepard, possessing none of the fieriness and aggression on Eden Prime, reassures her place on the _Normandy_ with a smile, blinking against the dimmed lights apparently too bright for her after just waking up from a space coma. The Chief’s gratefulness bleeds out, and it makes her aware of words tumbling out of her mouth, her thanks littered multiple times in their short conference, can’t quite yet believing her luck of getting pulled out from a sure death situation, to be placed on the most advanced Alliance warship, given a position to serve somewhere not groundside, the same chance she has been blacklisted for her entire life, cycling repeatedly through years of unfair treatment.

Shepard tunes in to the air of uncertainty, holds a hand up to snap Ashley out of it while faintly grinning, ‘’You’re a good soldier, Williams. Glad to have you on board. Lieutenant Alenko helped put in a good word for your posting, too.’’ If Ashley’s surprised, she doesn’t show it, her eyes tracking back to where the man in question stands beside the table, trying, and failing, not to obviously stare at them, looking as out of place as Ashley feels. He had been kicked out of the med-bay when Captain Anderson walked in, though seeming slightly less sulky than when he left her. The Chief shakes her head, voice tinged with softness, ‘’Thanks, Commander. You should talk to him, though. He’s worried to death about this whole... fiasco.’’ _Fiasco. Understatement of the year,_ Ashley inwardly cringes. Shepard nods, gives her one last glance and tells her to settle in, before walking over to the Lieutenant, relieving some of the agitation he’s leaking out all over in the mess hall. Ashley will have to personally thank him later as well.

 

 

* * *

 

  
  


They troop together, the three of them, footsteps in sync to the bridge, walking past the best officers in the Alliance running about, typing speedily and monitoring instruments on their numerous omni-boards, clicking and jabbing madly away at their datapads, but still stopping to throw off perfect ninety degree salutes to their XO. Ashley cannot quite quench down on her excitement bubbling to the surface at the sheer intensity of the status of the ship, everyone being so busy, tending to their jobs as the _Normandy_ hurtles to another adventure. Her shoulder bumps Shepard’s as they stand side by side, edges of their booted feet connecting, noses almost pressing against the clear and thick glass panels to stare outside, watching in wonder at how the different shades of lavender gaseous matter swirled as the ship slices through, emissions creating a vortex of beauty and colours fusing and warping against the blackness of space. It’s beautifully breathtaking, mesmerising Ashley in ways she never thought she’d ever be lucky enough to experience, and when her brain connects to her senses to let her know she’s aware of her mouth being agape, she doesn’t care, especially not when spotting the Commander’s face stretched out in similar awe in the reflection of the panels.

Ashley turns to lock eyes with Alenko standing behind them, whose arms are held loosely by his sides, mildly amused gaze resolutely fixed on the two soldiers, hint of a smile threatening to slip out at their child-like wonder. The Chief cannot resist; ‘’Too cool to check out the view, LT?’’, the nickname coming out of nowhere and spilling from her lips before it occurs to her, but that earns her a chuckle, earns her, no, _them_ , his presence at their backs, Alenko's warmth radiating at their six as he moves in closer to hover just behind. Just deliberately shy of physical contact as he bends down to level his sight with the windows, his own face morphing a bit and honey eyes widening despite himself as the Citadel comes into their line of sight, majestically floating in the backdrop of stained periwinkle.

 


	2. Chora's Den

 

The moment they are near enough to notice the lack of music and thumping bass hitting the air, all three of them soundlessly draw their weapons from their backs, boots silently creeping over to the edge of the corner. Kaidan’s sensor radar is lit with movement from inside, multiple dots signalling their unfriendly readings, spaced out and peppering throughout the big, circular room, and he mentally prepares for a fight, running important mechanics in his head, priming his biotics to get ready. Shepard, standing right in front, throws a quick glance their way, nodding once before wheeling past the bend, immediately in the thick of yelling thugs and explosive gunfire.

The Lieutenant follows Ashley and his ears ring when the first round hits his shields, forces himself forward despite stumbling, towards an overturned table as his brain screams at him to quickly adjust his eyesight to the dim, red lighting, to focus on the blurry shapes jumping around in the darkness. The Chief flies past his left, shields being whittled down faster than the two of them, banking on her heavy armour to shrug off the impact, while Shepard makes her way down his right, trusting her barrier to pick up on pot shots thrown her way to at once jump in to engage the huge krogan thug closing in on them rapidly with a shotgun. There is screaming everywhere, but Kaidan, keeping his own barrier up and an eye on his crew’s stats, knows the pained shouts are not from his side. He concentrates on manipulating his biotics, wrist twisting as he stands to target the mercenaries who have higher ground on top of the stage, firing their guns gleefully at his teammates. Blue waves spin and fly upwards, his familiar subconscious taking over as the pressure increases around his head, grabbing the surprised men above and tossing them off their vantage point, making sure to crack them as hard as he can against the wall, their soft bodies coming into contact against unforgiving concrete like material, their choked gasps cut out and winded from the sheer force of his throw. There's no time to savour the small moment, knowing they’d be back unsteadily on their feet in a matter of seconds again, and Kaidan ducks from his flimsy table just in time to see Ashley’s boot ram brilliantly on a man’s face who's down blearily on his knees, ramming strong enough he can hear the instant snap of neck breaking, bone jutting out through the throat, white contrasting dark skin, while the man’s face freezes dead on a stunned expression. The Lieutenant sees Shepard’s krogan still groggily lumbering about on his feet where he had just gotten up from a weak biotic throw by her, but then taking point blank multiple shots from her shotgun, dark spray splashing against the little stools near the bar as the Commander seizes the instance to get up close. She doesn’t pause, triggering her weapon again and again on the body lying on the ground, ruthlessly damning the corpse and not taking any chances on their famed regeneration and redundant organs as she blasts it enough times to fragment the krogan's armour and flesh into pieces at close range.

Kaidan runs to the back of the circular bar, past Ashley who is taking pole position at the entrance to Fist’s inner room, firing her assault rifle in a wide arc, modded rounds embedding themselves everywhere on the walls, chipping drab walls and blackening cheap designs, fingers held solidly on her durable weapon gradually overheating in her palms for which she pays no heed. The men the Lieutenant had flung off the stage is missing a member; one of them already dead when his unprotected skull collided and smashed against the wall, a blotch of red blood high up highlighting where he met his demise. The other is confronted with Kaidan’s biotic hold around him, face petrified in absolute shock and fear while the Lieutenant plugs him full of holes with his pistol, blobs of red shimmering and floating inside the dark blue swirl before Kaidan lets go, energy zapping out into the surroundings and muscles aching, body of his opponent thumping heavily to the floor.

‘’Clear,’’ comes the Chief’s voice from the little alley deeper into the club, voice smooth and controlled where she remains pressed to the side of the wall crouching on her knees, eyes wary and locked dead ahead for more trouble, and Kaidan calls the same, his amp cooling down in the back of his head, looking to Shepard who comes up beside him, her face impassive. The entire fight probably didn’t take longer than a minute, but the place is completely trashed; countless pits gorged along the walls by Ashley’s free and easy fire, large chunks of counter tops missing where the Commander’s powerful gun tore off the cover, splintering it wide open. Different coloured blood slicking across the floor, mixing and staining dirty tiles further, dripping off metal stools and patterning walls where mercenaries had their heads blown off before them, splattering their insides against the backgrounds. A dull thought passes through Kaidan’s brain, _Udina is gonna be pissed._

When they move past Ashley and the door opens, they are met with skittish men almost jumping out of their skins, low quality weapons raised at them and eyes darting about the room they're boxed in by three soldiers who have blown through their establishment without a sweat, speaking hastily, ‘’Stay back! You’re... you’re not supposed to be in here!’’ They obviously have no training, feet placed all wrong, body out in the open with no armour, probably given piss poor shields to defend their similarly piss poor owner. Kaidan stills as Shepard flexes her arm, and he can feel the faint tinge of her biotics tickling him, just barely out of visuals, feel the dark energy gathering around her fist and sparking the atmosphere enough for another skilled biotic to tune in to. When she speaks, it is with all the aura of a Commander in control, handing out a stern warning wrapped in sweet, pretty little bow, ‘’We just blew up half this place and your amateur guards away to get in here. Step aside, and if you leave now, you can go without slipping on their guts.’’ There is a tense moment where nobody reacts, and then the two men shake their heads and hold their palms up, surrendering after sheathing their guns in their thigh straps, muttering under their breath about how they weren’t paid enough to die for Fist while throwing out a ‘’You never saw us, okay?’’ as they jogged hurriedly past the trio.

Ashley snorts, _‘’Nice,’’_  as Shepard smirks, jerking her head wordlessly to Kaidan to get him on decrypting a weapons locker while he releases a pent up breath he doesn’t realise he's holding in. ‘’Would you have killed them?’’ the Lieutenant asks as he works through the programmes, opening it fairly easily, checking the contents to see if anything is worth their expertise - nothing is. He turns to see Shepard and Ashley take positions by the next door, and the Commander shrugs, fingers curling around her precious weapon as she answers, ‘’Nah. They’re just warehouse workers... might have shot them in the foot if they’d tried anything funny, though.’’ Kaidan feels his lips quirk up despite his brain telling him he probably shouldn’t smile at Shepard's response, and the short seconds they take for their banter is over, faces set in stone once more, professionalism taking over by default as they prepare to storm Fist’s room. ‘’Ready, Commander,’’ is his way of replying before the door is forced open, and Fist’s panicked clamouring filters to their ears. A peek from their corner gives Kaidan a brief look of the room; their target crouching behind another flipped table, screaming their murder and firing blindly, though more importantly, giving him a look of the two turrets facing their way. ‘’Shit,’’ someone says, it could’ve been him, Kaidan doesn’t know, but Shepard looks to him surely, ‘’You got this, Alenko?’’, and he instantly knows she’s talking about the turrets. The Lieutenant bends down in front of her, harshly aware of everything all at once; his sweat above his upper lip, the presence of his crew at his back counting on him for this, his biotics warming around his head making him almost uncomfortable, and Kaidan flicks open his omni-tool and clears his mind for the overload he knows he can pull off, because this is what he’s good at, this is what he is trained for, confident of his technical prowess that he acknowledges with certainty, ‘’Yes, ma’am.’’

At that, Shepard pulls out with a glowing hand, tossing about fancy flutes sitting prettily on a glass table, shotgun’s rounds slamming into the cover as Ashley dives and rolls to the opposite end of the front to spread fire. The turrets hail on them, garish sound and bullets streaking noisily, pummelling through their fizzing shields and blanketing the entire area where they stand, computer targeting perfect as it can be. Kaidan gets out to send his signal, exploding one turret instantly while the other is taken out as Shepard warps it from where she’s lowered behind the custom-made sofa now shredded with their aim, crushing the metal beyond use. The Chief moves up ahead the moment Kaidan takes out one turret, and the fight doesn’t last once Fist loses his machinery, heavy armoured soldier bearing down on him in the commotion and clocking him in the face with the butt of her gun and a hard knee to his ribs, kicking away his weapon and pointing the muzzle of her own inches from his face with a sneer as he cries out in pain, glaring at him to dare to move while Ash practically spits down at him with her eyes.

‘’Alright! _Alright!_ Enough! What do you want?!’’ Fist pants on the floor, bruise already forming on the side of his skin where the Chief got him, and Shepard moves to stand in front of him, not wasting any time, asking about the quarian while deliberately lowering her pistol to his kneecap, ‘’Lie to me, and I will blow this away,’’ she grits out, brutal voice implying her complete ungraciousness towards Fist, and Kaidan doesn’t doubt her for a second, tone pretty much informing him she isn’t kidding around. Fist is beside himself, licking his lips as he stares at her form where he’s lying on the ground, armour doing nothing to hide his fear as he mentally runs a checklist of how he can get away with this, and Kaidan wants to punch him in the face, break a few teeth and tell him not to be stupid, to just listen to Shepard, but Fist apparently has other plans; ‘’What quarian?! I don’t know what you’re talking about!’’ Beside the Lieutenant, Ashley scoffs, ‘’Oh, _please!_ ’’ Obviously not buying it for a second, and the Lieutenant doesn’t have to see the Chief to know she’s rolling her eyes and has her mouth set in outright scorn, doesn’t have to move his own eyes from Fist’s face to Shepard’s pistol because he knows what’s coming next. The shot from the Commander’s gun to Fist’s kneecap tears through the air, and Fist _howls_ , screams raw like his throat is being ripped out by claws, his head thrown back and slamming it onto his soft rug, his body convulsing on the floor as bright scarlet leaks from his right knee, pooling around his leg. His hands try to stem the tide as he dribbles and spits, glazed over in agony, and Kaidan stares at the scene playing out before him as Shepard advances on the injured man on the ground, her intonation cold and unsympathetic, ‘’I’m not gonna ask again, Fist.’’ She nearly purrs at the blood seeping into the fur, mucking it up, that makes Kaidan think she actually really wants to ask again just so she can blow away another joint, and that makes the whole scenario more unnatural than ever. The Commander crouches to force her face into Fist’s line of sight, her pistol pressing deeper into his shattered knee and making him bite his own lip hard enough to tear it open.

Fist crumbles. He tells them everything, voice quivering and in distress, tears stinging his eyes as he desperately looks towards the wall where his medi-gel is before Shepard yanks his head back to her, shaking as snot comes out his nose, throat bobbing as he rambles out all that he’s aware of. ‘’That’s it! I’ve told you everything I know! Now, let me go, I’m a wanted man, anyway,’’ he wheezes, struggling through the blinding pain exploding in his leg, ‘’The Shadow Broker is after me, I’m a ghost.’’ He is just shy of outright begging for his life, but Kaidan knows better; it’s exactly what he’s doing, a hopeless goner looking to flee and take his chances with the outside world, vanishing into obscurity. But Kaidan doesn’t have to ask the Commander out loud this time, _Would you kill him?_ Because while the Lieutenant is standing behind her, he doesn’t need to see the glint in Shepard’s eye to know what's going to happen. The morbid reflection of that is depicted plain on Fist’s face for him to see, as his fate is laid out in Shepard’s hands, who rises up to take a step back from him. The Lieutenant sees the man’s face on the floor, mouth stretched in terror as it dawns on him, lips cut and oozing a slow trail of blood, cowering before the presence in front, the presence that's much smaller than himself, but somehow managing to cast her own opaque shadow over him, damning a bleakness into his very soul.

‘’I don’t think so, Fist. How many innocents have you killed?’’ The gun Shepard is holding lightly beside her thigh is brought up, dead centre against his head, and Kaidan can see the flat lighting in the room still bounce off the metal of her pistol, that he doesn't smile this time, not like before with the warehouse workers. Fist screeches, tries to crawl away while his mad eyes never leave the barrel pointed towards him, sliding his bloody leg all over as he attempts to drag himself to safety, but there's no place he can hide now. He's no longer the man with the fearsome reputation in the underbelly of the Citadel, reduced to a wild and feverish mess of nothing, near hysterical as he wilts before the Commander’s staunch blaze of her twisted brand of justice, ‘’What?! _No!_ I’ve told you everything! You can’t-‘’

Shepard pulls the trigger, gunshot echoing in the confined room, echoing in Kaidan’s head where it repeats, and Fist drops dead, upper half of body thudding to the floor, hole clean through his skull, brain matter forced out onto his rich carpet. Eyes still wide open in fear and face morphed into one final plea he never got the chance to fully finish before the Commander snatches his life out of his hands.   

 


	3. Zhu's Hope

 

Kaidan lifts the last, silver geth up into the air, high enough it almost touches the low ceiling, its mechanical limbs flailing and struggling to break out of the tight biotic hold he has on it, before Shepard raises her gun and blasts the helpless thing to pieces, white fluid splashing against dirty tunnel walls. It’s certainly an experience for him, feeling Shepard’s powerful rounds tear easily through his biotic field on an enemy from such close range, feeling the mild shift in his gravitational sphere as an external force pummels through the blue sheen; the Lieutenant still hasn’t gotten used to it. Very much different from his own shots or the shots of the previous crews he has worked with, who primarily used wide, spraying bullets instead. He's about to move to get working on the water restoration systems but Ashley beats him to it, palm up briefly indicating she can do it just fine on her own, smoothly crouching down, ‘’I got this, LT, you’re still sore,’’ indicating roughly at his torso. The Lieutenant blinks, surprised at first, then nods, grateful, because _of course she noticed_ , and also because his side is stinging in a way which makes him sure there's going to be a big, ugly bruise over his ribs later when he peels the undersuit off, cringing as he remembers the heavy impact of the krogan charge when they had stormed the room with the geth transmitter aggressively. Kaidan’s thankful he didn’t break anything, but his light armour can only handle so much, just barely dented from the collision, the metal compressing onto the soft undersuit and adding pressure against the twinge. He still instinctively hovers over Ashley to watch her task at hand, ready to offer help if she faces difficulties working through the system, but his mind is racing distractedly back to the colony hanging by a thread above them.

Shepard jogs back to them after going over the synthetic, broken bodies of the geth littered in the narrow corridor, stripping them of tiny parts they can potentially use and relaying back to the ship where they might come in handy, trying to salvage the memory cores the way Tali had taught her – _slowly and patiently_ , Kaidan smiles behind his helmet as he remembers stumbling onto them sitting on the floor of engineering, pouring over parts spread out on the deck, because Shepard's near completely clueless about tech apart from the basics, and had kept asking question after question, blind to Tali's growing frustration who was repeating herself for the Commander - for the engineering team to work on and rip out any information they can of the mess they’re in. The Commander voices out what everyone's thinking as she moves to the front of the tunnel to head to the next valve once Ashley is done, ‘’So. Zhu’s Hope’s pretty weird.’’ There is a round of scoffs as the trio stand back up together, Ashley dusting her gloved palms off to reply, ‘’You can say that again. Something’s obviously going on,’’ she speaks as they walk slowly, guns held up and alert as ever, ‘’They’re all way too on edge even for a geth attack.’’

‘’Well, they _are_ untrained civilians... but you’re right, Chief,’’ the Lieutenant voices as Shepard _hmms_ in acknowledgement, ‘’I can’t get anything out of them without seeming obvious, they’re all hesitant to talk about the colony on their own.’’ They reach the next valve and Ashley sinks to her knees again, eyes squinting behind her helmet as her fingers work on opening the channel back up to the colonists, face plating near the grimy stones wet with whitish, geth liquid dripping to the equally grimy floor. She gets it done in under a minute, the sound clicking right and ensuring the water systems are back online, while the other two keep a vigilant look out on both sides of her, even though Kaidan’s sure they have already cleared the small, collapsed tunnels of hostiles. Sticking close to the edges, their armours almost grazing the walls while their heads continuously swivel to their exposed sides, they reach the large, grey metal door, which scrapes open for them to troop in. The pack of varren lie dead around them, and Kaidan hides his strained huff as he makes his way up the slight slope to the old and disabled vehicle, his injured side protesting quietly at the small, uphill battle his body makes. The vehicle lying there is gathering rust and threatening to fall apart at the slightest wrong touch, but the Lieutenant had managed to find some old power cells earlier in the compartments he's sure the colony can use, although Shepard had informed him they should come back for it later once they've cleared the tunnels, in case the fragile cells were damaged in the subsequent firefights. The omni-tool on his forearm lights up and he sets his head to remove the power cells properly without harming them, fashioning devices to safely dig them out of their crusty mechanism, old wires flimsy and weak, connected at all the odd angles and ports Kaidan hasn’t seen in quite some time. Despite the slight burn of his ribs, he relishes the challenge, excited about seeing such an old piece of machinery and being able to check out the inner functions, his fingers practically caressing the ancient metal for fear of breaking it with too much force while his mind marvels at it remaining somehow intact. The Lieutenant scans its properties and documents away the internal nuts and bolts inside his data files, excited about reading up on them back on the _Normandy_ when he has some free time, and then he cautiously lifts the power cells from their compressed block, neatly separating and wrapping them up protectively, locking it beside his first aid kit. Grinning at his job well done, Kaidan glances at his teammates and sees Shepard fiddling with her shotgun mods, probably swapping for the higher level tungsten rounds she had found, _all the easier to rip through geth with_ , he thinks robotically, while Ashley is crouched beside a dead varren, poking at it with her rifle as she examines it curiously, ‘’Damn, people eat these things?’’ Ash asks as she stares at the sticky mess at her feet, hide of skin rough and covered in its own blood where they had to shoot it, flesh torn and disfigured where their rounds had shredded through, leaving it flayed open, inside entrails spilling out to blackened ground. Shepard stops what she’s doing to look to her, expression covered up by her helmet, ‘’It’s a poor colony, Chief. You eat what you can get, can’t be too fussy about it.’’ The slight pause of Ashley’s rifle informs Kaidan she immediately feels regret for what she has said, although he's also sure Shepard didn't mean it in any way derisive. Ash stands up, squaring her shoulders, nods and eyes their Commander, ‘’Right, I know that,’’ as he joins them gingerly back below, patting his back where the cells are stored safely. Kaidan gives them a thumbs up, indicating he's ready to get going, and they silently move back out into the main tunnels, heading for the final valve on their way back up to the colony.

‘’Hana Murakami,’’ Shepard flatly states, freezing suddenly, and Kaidan can tell Ashley almost walks smack into her, ‘’She was definitely messing with the freight controls. Did anyone catch what she was doing?’’ The Chief heaves, shaking her head, ‘’Not me. And I may not know much about _‘ship diagnostics’_ ,’’ Kaidan notes with amusement and tries not to chuckle at a soldier in full heavy armour trying to do dramatic air quotes while gripping onto a deadly assault rifle, ‘’but that clearly wasn’t what she was doing.’’ The group resumes walking and Ashley automatically sets herself expertly against the final valve panel, by now familiar with the process and what she’s doing, with Kaidan continuing to linger above her and pleased she doesn’t _tsk_  at him to give her space. The Lieutenant agrees, ‘’She was monitoring something else, not watching over the ship,’’ frustration seeping into his voice and struggling not to kick a splintered piece of geth armour lying in front of him, ‘’Everyone is just so... _shifty_ , you know?’’ Shepard makes another one of her muted _hmms_ , listless tone lost in thoughts, whatever they may be as she stares blankly away from them.

They reach the bottom of the steps they have to climb to get back to the colony, and Kaidan suppresses a wince at the idea of his bruised ribs overworking further. ‘’I could always carry you, LT,’’ Ashley teases, somehow managing to pick up on his apprehension, eyes bright behind her head gear’s visor, mischievous despite their dank surroundings, a light tone covering up her serious and good intentioned offer wrapped up in a smirk, which Kaidan has quite grown to like. ‘’That wouldn’t be necessary, Chief,’’ but he partly wishes he could accept it, wondering how it'd be like to be carried for the entire trip back up as he feels the muscle shifting over bone, stretching and pulling at taut, bruised skin as his legs fly up endless flights of stairs, that he cannot help but release a relieved sigh as they get to the colony’s level, hoping the other two didn’t hear his tired exhale via their shared communications. The three of them pull off their helmets, air no longer musty, breathing in deeply and turning their faces upward, cool wind brushing over their hot skin to revitalise them. Kaidan runs his hands through his sweaty hair once, before they start making their way back to Zhu’s Hope. ‘’I’m going to talk to Fai Dan and Martinez,’’ Shepard says as they stride behind her, ‘’see if they accidentally reveal anything since all the colonists are so damn adamant about avoiding questions. Fai Dan knows more than he’s letting on.’’

Ashley harrumphs, re-doing her hair back into a tight bun where strands are falling out, ‘’Don’t forget to ask about the weird guy down in the tunnels. He creeped me out. And if you can get past them being terribly defensive and accusing you of judging them too harshly,’’ she spits out while Kaidan bites down on another flinch of pain through his side, the short climb up having winded him, ‘’you’re the boss, Commander.’’ Shepard lets out a small bark of laughter and they turn multiple corners, nearly at the entrance when she speaks again, ‘’Chief, inform Reynolds of the varren pack being taken care of, then go to Doyle to let her know what you’ve done with the water supply. Lieutenant, give the power cells to O’Connell, then contact Garrus and ask him to join you. Maybe his visor can pick up something from Murakami’s freight controls without being obvious about it like we were.’’ Another round of muttered and fatigued affirmatives, but before they step out into the blinding sunlight, Shepard stops again and this time, pivots on her feet to look Kaidan straight in the eye, her face completely serious, ‘’And, Alenko, make sure you get that checked out,’’ pointing her gloved finger directly at his side where the ache has been steadily getting worse since their running and bumping around in the tunnels, no longer acting like she didn’t think it's a big deal, ‘’It’ll give you a chance to scan Blake and hopefully see what’s wrong with her, too.’’ Kaidan takes everything in, hair mussed and lips parted at his own heavy breathing, holding steady eye contact at the dark look levelled at him daring him to deny his discomfort, but he graciously responds, ‘’Yes, ma’am,’’ before dispersing to complete their respective duties.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Kaidan next sees Shepard, it’s from the other end of the colony, from the end where they had arrived, where he and Garrus are trudging along slowly from cover to cover after stepping out of the room they had locked themselves in, to avoid fire from the colonists while listening to their scratchy and inflected Commander via the unsteady network about some mind controlling plant. His mind stutters because _huh?_ , and he has a thousand questions he wants answered, but he doesn’t ask, because now isn't the time for his curiousity. Instead, he and Garrus step out together, with Kaidan manipulating mass effect fields across distances higher than he’s comfortable with, his muscles screaming and mouth gritted with the extra effort he squeezes out, vision swimming in the heat as he strains to lift and knock crazed colonists out against walls, cringing even as he does so, since Shepard’s voice through the comms had stiffly ordered them not to shoot anyone, which had Garrus’ digits fidgeting with his weapon, unsure, but turning to incapacitate via his own omni-tool.

Kaidan spots Shepard, Ashley, and Wrex, from Fai Dan’s six, too far away to do anything, wrestling with his first instinct to charge up ahead for fear of the leader opening panicked fire, so he's on his knees creeping along to get a lock on him with his biotics, knowing Garrus has Fai Dan in the crosshairs of his sniper rifle, visor probably flickering and slender form crouched farther back behind him where the turian stays stationary while Kaidan practically crawls, close to the cracked ground and unconscious colonists; many of whom with bones looking like they aren’t set right, or leaking a slow trail of blood from their heads, noses, mouths, all thanks to Kaidan’s precisely controlled slamming. Fai Dan’s gait is uneven, one foot dragging dust into the air and saying something to Shepard Kaidan cannot hear because of the wind, gun jerking in his grasp and battling whatever hold on him. The Lieutenant is almost near enough when the spray of blood explodes outwards from the leader's head; Fai Dan turning the gun onto himself to stop his shuffling, body crumpling into a growing pool of red. Kaidan stares, unable to comprehend, feeling dizzy and light-headed as his implanted brain complains about his own far reaching use of his biotics, not enough oxygen supplied to his body as his throat tries to work to say something, to prevent himself from passing out. Ashley runs to the freight controls, immediately getting to work while Wrex positions himself at the secret tunnel’s entrance with a shotgun, violent barrier glimmering around his large body, red crest bent low and ready, while Shepard quickly jogs up to him, ‘’You okay, Alenko?'' Kaidan can only nod, mouth hanging to pull in shaky gulps of air, and the Commander narrows her eyes at him but accepts his own judgement to continue, ''Make sure the colonists are alright. _After_ taking care of yourself first, Lieutenant,’’ she commands, purpose straight and clear, sight passing over the bodies he was inching past, ‘’We’ll be back before you know it.’’ His wobbly _aye aye_ barely makes it past his lips before his crew stalks down into the dark tunnels, leaving Kaidan standing there, sweat dripping into his eyes and brain overheating in the scurry of impulsive activity.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Kaidan _next_ sees Shepard, stumbling out of the lower tunnels beneath the colony looking mildly queasy and distracted, he leaves the colonist he’s tending to and grabs his medical kit, rushing towards her. Her armour is covered with some sort of slime, and Kaidan can smell the strong, organic reek as he nears her, quickly lighting up his omni-tool and waving it over her frame, mouth dry and worried. The Lieutenant doesn’t see any physical injuries on his graphs, and he’s about to inquire but Shepard shoos him off, jerking a thumb behind her before taking a deep breath and bowing over, hands on her knees like she's going to throw up, though, she doesn’t. Wrex emerges, scarred face looking as fearsome as ever, lips turned in a downward scowl that even the Lieutenant’s just amateur reading of alien expressions informs him he isn’t very happy, but Kaidan is drawn to the krogan supporting Ashley, who looks similarly majorly pissed off, leaning against the broad alien, her armour clasps opened and dangling loosely, also covered in the thick, translucent goo, appearing slightly ill. 

‘’What the hell happened down there?’’ Kaidan’s unable to curb his tongue, practically yelling as he goes to hook Ashley over himself and guiding her carefully down to a lowered crate, which immediately causes Wrex to lumber off in some direction without a word, while Garrus moves gracefully over to Shepard, his face plates flanging wide outwards in confusion at the Commander dry heaving on her knees, unsure of what to do. ‘’Fucking giant, mutant plants, that’s what,’’ Ashley grumbles from her seat, holding her left shoulder delicately, dark sludge finding their way into her armour’s tiny clasps and clogging up air passageways, staining her neck to slide sickly over skin, ‘’I feel sick.’’ Kaidan takes in her grimace, quickly confirming her suspected breached hardsuit, poison seeping into her exposed pores, and he begins digging into his kit to find his anti-toxins to settle her till he can get her to a proper med-bay back on the ship. Pulling out decontaminant wipes, he tilts Ashley’s head up into the sunlight, who sighs heavily and closes her eyes tiredly when his fingers touch her jaw, long lashes merging shut and breath escaping quiet and slow from her pink lips. Kaidan stares at her mouth for a brief second, but then swiftly dabs clean the small area around her neck, the soft pad he’s holding coming away with the thick gunk that had splashed onto her, before he injects the tiniest needle, boosting her immune systems and helping her flush the toxins out of her body faster. He crouches back down in front of Ash, palms ghosting over her armour elsewhere, looking to detect any other breaches, but she nudges his shin gently with her own boot, wordlessly letting him know she’ll be okay. Kaidan stands back up, knees creaking, frowning at Ashley’s shoulder, ‘’Do you need anything for that?’’ The Chief opens her eyes and shakes her head, ‘’I’m fine, just took a whack from a creeper,’’ she says, glancing back to Shepard in conversation with an asari who wasn’t part of the colony before, ‘’It’s her you have to worry about.’’ At that, his attention spins to their Commander, trying to see what's plaguing her from where he is, but he also didn’t detect any physical damage or armour breaches earlier...

‘’Her brain,’’ Ashley states, gathering from his furrowed brow, ‘’all scrambled up again by some asari mind-melding crap,’’ launching into toneless, vapid explanation about thorian neural nodes and the asari -  Shiala - departing some kind of knowledge Cipher, too beat down to even do air quotes on something about _embracing eternity_ which Kaidan wants to ask. Shepard is walking away, rubbing her head and squinting at Martinez, now and then shifting her eyes around her as if someone's standing there and saying something, certain sense of being preoccupied or absent minded that Kaidan picks up on at once, the uneven motions of scratching at her skull and peering at her palms all too familiar with the actions of a person high on substance abuse about to crash, which he only knows too well for his own liking. The Lieutenant corners it at the back of his head, because _there is nothing I can do for her now_ , glancing back to Ashley who still appears nauseated, fists curled up atop her thighs, ‘’We should get you back to the ship, you still need to be decontaminated properly,’’ but the Chief scowls even further - Kaidan doesn’t know how that’s possible - responding with a curt, ‘’I’m not leaving the Commander with that asari and these people until I’m sure they’re not gonna try to kill us again.’’ Shepard’s in deep conversation with Martinez, and while Kaidan is fairly certain the thorian’s death is enough to break the thrall, he remains quiet, watching silently with the Chief as Martinez sets pre-orders to their colonists for ensuring their food resource would arrive soon, as well as double checking on their power and water systems, securing them from further marring. Kaidan’s head roars and he exhales, sitting down on the rickety crate beside Ashley, the day’s events catching up to him and making him a tad woozy as he mumbles back, his voice rough, ‘’I don’t think she’s leaving till she’s sure this colony will get back on its feet.’’

‘’Colony kids, you know?’’ Ashley breathes, stretches out her legs while touching her sticky forehead, ‘’Commander would sympathise.’’ Kaidan _doesn’t_ know, privileged childhood upbringing on Earth that he had, but he thinks he understands; enough bad experiences of his own to feel he could fathom what a soft spot for someone similar to you in situation would be like, ugly past squashed down internally before it could rear its head up, _now isn’t the time to dwell on that_ , he admonishes himself. She takes his silence as her cue to continue making small talk, though Kaidan finds he doesn’t particularly mind, presence at his side no longer some stranger so he listens, ‘’She’s from Mindoir, right? Yeah, everyone sure heard about that.’’ Kaidan recalls reading about it for the first time, and wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy, the mere idea of people getting slaughtered or captured around you, watching helplessly and in horror as your loved ones are butchered, only chance you have is to keep running and hope the batarians don’t find you hiding amidst the screams in the fields of death piling up. He shrugs off a shiver, ‘’Yeah, that’s... that’s horrible. I don’t know what I’d do.’’

‘’Can’t imagine my entire family dead. That has to suck,’’ Ash scruffs her boot on the ground, trying to scrape the creepers’ muck away, hesitating briefly like she’s debating herself but soldiers on, ‘’How’d you think she survived the raid?’’ The question is asked in an almost hushed voice, a secret being whispered between the two of them, and Kaidan stills, because he’d be lying to himself if he told her he had never thought about it, so he answers truthfully, ‘’Running and hiding? Can’t really see a kid like that fighting off adult slavers with weapons, you know?’’

‘’That’s what I thought, too,’’ another pause, slightly longer this time, ‘’You, uh... think she killed anyone as a kid? Pre-Alliance enlisting?’’ Kaidan feels like he knows why Ash is asking, the Commander's display with Fist fresh in his mind, cold and heartless, experienced in ways that didn’t point towards her military career. _Do I think that?_ ‘’Yeah,’’ and that’s all he can say, a shared murmur only for the ears of the Chief, who merely blinks and nods matter of factly, dark brown eyes darting back to the subject in question they're gossiping about, both aware to keep this developing conversation about the third party to a minimum because they're aware enough to prevent it running away from them. '’Hmm. These Zhu’s Hope’s colonists are tough, gotta give them credit,’’ Ash smoothly turns their conversation elsewhere, ‘’They’ll be okay. Colonists _have_ to be. Steady and endure through whatever shit you find yourself in.’’

‘’I can see that.’’

Kaidan catches Ashley turning ever so slightly to look at him from the corner of his eyes after the words had left his mouth, then she chuckles and elbows him, ‘’Talking about me? Or the Commander?’’ – _Both_ , he thinks, but the Chief speeds on, ‘’Don’t sell yourself short, Alenko, you’re pretty tough yourself. Not as much as us, though.’’ The Lieutenant laughs and it feels good, he hasn’t done that properly in the entire day, sound filtering merrily into the air as the wind picks up and ruffles his hair, cools over his skin where his sweat is beginning to vanish, pain in his head slowly receding beside Ash's presence and the fading light. They sit there for a while, content with saving the colony, comfortable in silence in a way they previously hadn’t felt before, and soon enough, Shepard gets back to them after checking in with the salarian for goods they can use, her eyes taking the two of them sharing the tiny crate before she speaks, ‘’How're you doing, Chief?’’

‘’Better now. Still feel like I’m gonna puke.’’

Kaidan stands up and makes sure he has Shepard’s full attention on him, pointedly expressing, ‘’We need to get the _two_ of you back to the ship,’’ field medic training giving him enough authority, and years of yelling at subordinates colouring his voice with strength to give orders when he needs to, ‘’Doctor Chakwas will want to take a look as well.’’ Shepard doesn’t argue like he thinks she might, ready to head back to the _Normandy_ once she signals to Wrex and Garrus, and Kaidan helps Ashley warily back up on her feet, who curls an arm around her stomach and leans on him just a little, clamping down on her mouth and placing one boot in front of the other unhurriedly. ‘’I could always carry you, Chief,’’ Kaidan throws her own words back at her, grinning rather unabashedly, and Ashley levels him with a look, eyes squinting and taking a deliberate gulp to hiss out, ‘’That wouldn’t be necessary, _Lieutenant_.’’ Shepard is gazing at them, lips curling up at the edges and teeth just barely covered, but says nothing, though Ashley still zeroes in on her expression, ‘’Something funny, Commander?’’ The Commander’s face is wiped clean, perfect look of innocence chiselled and she answers with a completely tempered tone, ‘’Not at all, Williams. Carry on,’’ waving them ahead of her with an ultra exaggerated flourish of her right arm, trailing behind the two as they leisurely make their way back to the _Normandy_ , mum shadow of her company casting over them as she watches over their backs.

 


	4. Presrop

 

It’s about a quarter of the very important hour left before the timer beeps on her omni-tool, and Shepard knows this from the rhythmic way Kaidan keeps flicking his own device open to check, brows heavy and knitted in the dark internal lighting of the Mako where they’re sitting in, legs crossed over one other uncomfortably, bodies strapped into the harness despite being stationary because they still refuse to take any chances. The Chief is sitting in front of the weapons systems, ready to grab control of the guns in a moment’s notice if she needed them, body sunk into the soft and padded seats, and the Lieutenant on the other hand, has been tapping his foot at random intervals subconsciously, double checking his frequencies for any sign of the message Father – no, _Major_ – Kyle had promised to send once he's ready to part with his... _children_. Shepard grits her teeth at the mere word running through her head, grits her teeth to prevent scoffing, at the man setting himself up as a protective paternal unit for vulnerable biotics already ostracised, warping himself into a saviour figure for those in need of help. It had taken all of Shepard’s willpower not to smack Kyle hard in the face and drag him out of there - _crazy bastard_ , she fumes silently - but she's determined not to risk getting into a fight with the biotic cultists, biotics she feels an inclination to defend, who just want to fit in, but are brainwashed by scum like Kyle to turn their backs on the Alliance.

Shepard's anger subsides a little when she thinks back to what Hackett had said about Kyle on her communications; _mentally unstable_ were the words he had used, voice smooth as glass and gravelly all at once. Kyle, unfit for command after repeatedly failing his psych evaluations, stress of the job getting to his head and making him crack. Torfan was fucked up, that much, Shepard knows, though she’d be lying to herself if she wasn’t pleased about the batarians getting slaughtered there, because she thinks she might have done the same thing herself; refusing to budge until she personally sees every single one of them shot and broken to a fractured corpse into the ground, zero shred of neither respect nor sympathy, leaving them to the wild animals to rip apart and feast upon dead skin while her troops died around her for some sort of sick revenge fantasy she plays out in her equally fucked up head. Playing up scenarios of her youth where she was powerless against as a kid as she watched from behind rickety cages biting into her palms, slicing them open as the blood dripped onto the surface, horrors of the searing heat from flames and metal wires drilling through skin covered up by her imaginations of batarian skulls lying crushed and split open by her own biotics, wishing guts and innards to serve to decorate the wet earth of Torfan. _Yes_ , Shepard would have done it, would have moved to hammer in the final metaphorical nail (wouldn’t look away from a literal nail, either) on a batarian’s head even as her squad screams for help in her ears, her hatred strong enough she would wear their blood on her armour as an apology she could never give to their faces, facing down the four-eyed nightmare of her childhood behind the perverse virtue of her shotgun.

Three minutes before the allocated hour is up, the orange glow of Kaidan’s omni-tool throws itself onto the Mako’s walls as the Lieutenant flips it open again, glaring at it angrily enough for Shepard to know there hasn’t been any communication sent out from inside the base, and Ashley twists in her seat to stare down her superior, her own frustration oozing into the confined space where they’ve all been cooped up in, ‘’ _God_ , LT, stop checking that damn thing every five minutes, you’re making me itch,’’ she mutters more to herself as she runs her fingers over the radar screen and weapons systems again, ready to get them hot and running even though Shepard's sure nobody is stupid enough to rush up to them on foot while they're seated inside the protection of the Mako, the sturdy tank saving their asses way more times than she’s happy with. ‘’You won’t be needing that, Williams,’’ Shepard voices out again at Ash's actions, cold steel direct and leaving no room for debate, ‘’We’re not shooting the biotics if we can help it.’’

‘’Can I shoot Major Kyle, though?’’

‘’Yes,’’ comes the immediate reply, and their crooked grins flung at each other isn’t shared by their Staff Lieutenant, who clears his throat in a not so subtle manner, which impresses Shepard because she picks up on his disapproval at their casual banter about killing as well as his inclination to speak, which he does so without further prompt from her; ‘’Hour’s up, Commander.’’

Two seconds pass in Shepard’s head as she stares back into whiskey eyes boring into her, before her omni-tool lights up, beeping pleasantly at reaching the countdown, mindless of a potential bloodbath nobody desires. Shepard sighs, rubbing her forehead and shutting it off at the lack of messages from Kyle, not at all looking forward to assaulting the complex because she doesn’t want to rage through biotics more than she wouldn’t mind putting a bullet into Major Kyle’s head for disposing off of two peaceful Alliance negotiators. _Son of a bitch_ , she was already suspicious earlier, but Kyle’s snaky words had burrowed into her, warning her of his cult turning to violence to preserve their demented view of a leader carving himself into a messiah. He had said he respected Shepard had come under a _banner of peace_ , and the Commander doesn’t give a flying fuck about some guy who has served the Alliance faithfully for years, but her mind turns to the scared and angry biotics inside, ready to throw themselves into the line of fire without even fully understanding the bait that is shadily weaved around them. All because of Kyle’s poisonous whispers of Alliance critique and building up the mentality of how biotics are safe with him around when the Alliance secretly wanted to wipe them out, making her grouse in irritation.

‘’We give Kyle ten more minutes,’’ Shepard declares, ‘’He can’t be stupid enough to go up against the Alliance. He’s outnumbered and outgunned, and if anything, he’s gonna want to protect his gang. Children. _Whatever_.’’ A flippant hand wave accompanying her distaste for the whole set up within, exploiting the already wounded and unsure, racking up Shepard’s sneer and hard edges. Ashley nods, glancing back to the systems before looking their way again to speak, ‘’Would you guys have joined these cults? I mean, ya know, if you weren’t signed up with the Alliance.’’ Shepard snorts, leans her head backwards onto the cushion, eyes gazing up at the Mako’s low ceiling because she had caught the Chief’s disquiet in the compound earlier; marching along in unease as phrases leaked into the air around them from cultists claiming they couldn’t trust the Alliance, had to stick with each other because nobody gave a single shit about them, dark and foreboding dreadful talk of being treated like freaks as they had stared daggers at the trio armed to the teeth striking across to destroy what they perceived as their home, falsely so, in her opinion. ‘’No,’’ the Commander answers with a certain calmness, ‘’they’re right in that biotics are mistreated by society, but the Alliance offers the best alternative. Plus, you won’t be alone, either.’’

‘’I dunno, ma'am, Major Kyle may have a point.’’

Shepard snaps her head forward from her rest to turn her gaze to her Lieutenant, whose arms are crossed over his chest and whose jaw is locked, face betraying absolutely no emotion as he continues speaking with an impeccable evenness, ‘’Biotics deserve to be treated fairly.’’

‘’You’re right, we do, but joining communes and claiming we’re superior isn’t helping our cause. The _Alliance_ treats you fairly,’’ Shepard grates out, for it’s been years since she spent her adolescence being bitter about the Alliance, for not protecting Mindoir, and years since her resentment and madness allayed down just a bit, enough to sign on with the one branch which would provide her training, control, and a space within their ranks, all of which she was only too glad to grasp onto for being given the opportunity, and her voice heats up defensively just mildly as she remembers, replying, ‘’The Alliance isn’t the one marginalising us.’’

‘’The Alliance hasn’t got the cleanest record with biotics, either,’’ her Lieutenant dully retorts, dark shadows within the dim Mako brushing his face, and Shepard thinks back to her conversation with Doctor Chakwas about L2s, her knowledge and memory foggy from passing out from one too many prothean artifacts blending visions in her head like a mixer, distant reading of the slow handing out of reparations slotting themselves into her brain, where the roaring of her fiery and fortunate implant is replaced by the fading muffles of the languishing L2s in the background as she struggles to recall details. The Commander's eyes soften at the man sitting before her, a certain gentleness enveloping a brief sense of shame which she adjusts for, ‘’L2 reparations. I under-‘’ she stops, because no, she _doesn’t_ understand, lucky enough the metal crammed into her brain isn’t jammed packed with overflowing fault and maybe driving her insane further down the road, so she concedes, raising a hand to rephrase her sentence, ‘’L2 reparations. Yeah, Alliance’s been slow with handing them out. I’ll... agree.’’

Kaidan chuckles quietly, the muted, breathy kind of way she has noticed with him, to indicate no offense taken at her brief flare, dipping his head slightly but keeping his eyes on her nevertheless, ‘’It’s not... _just_ the reparations, Commander,’’ deliberately stressing his words, yet, air of mild aloofness to his composure he’s trying to exude as he shrugs, which Shepard picks up on immediately because she's not fooled by him even for an instant as he slowly continues, ‘’The Alliance has helped me as much as they helped you. Not that I would join a cult... but I’m just saying.’’

He’s not actually saying anything, but she sees Ashley staring with rapt attention, sharply observing the exchange without saying a single word, and Shepard’s own feet are flat on the Mako’s floor now, back hunched over as her forearms lie on her thighs, but Kaidan already has his head turning away to fiddle with his omni-tool once more, trying to move on from the conversation which holds empty with confused meaning. Now, Shepard’s interested, cogs turning in her head and early onset of dissatisfaction rising for her own lack of scholarly biotic theories and backgrounds on them, because she just doesn't know enough. A faint mixture of concern, respect, and bias colours something inside the Commander as she attempts to zero in on her grasp of insight into the L2s, weak and clumsy as it is, since the dawn of her own biotic years were not about her educating herself on others who shared her abilities, but filled with stupidity and selfish destructiveness, mingled with a disdain for authorities and a high strung quest for ruthless vengeance. Well, more than she has  _now_ anyway, flashing back to Anderson almost singlehandedly instilling his discipline and work ethic into her inbetween a lot of swearing, stern yelling, and groaning around her near buzzing obsession with batarians and slavers, trying to still her every time she used to talk to him about hunting them down and wiping out entire groups and their families. Shepard suppresses a delinquent smile thinking back to the displeasured tempering of images swimming in her brain, of the ferocious spite she used to have, wrapping up her seeking retribution in brutality to lessen because she keeps Anderson in an undefined and ruffled place in her heart, at the very highest spot, that she sacrificed some of her obsession for him, who was the one person who bothered to simmer her down and take a chance with her when he had no reason to, and words cannot express her gratitude.

Society’s fad with biotics have always been different than the Alliance’s, but sometimes, Shepard, in her crazed enthusiasm for the branch which supported her in training, forgets the deeper underlying issues trampled over by people exactly like herself, where zeal and determination fuelled by loyalty blinds her to important injustice until someone is brave enough to reel her in and point it out, someone like the Lieutenant. This is a conversation she wants to continue, but the modest space of the Mako isn’t liberal or secret enough, and Kaidan is back gliding fingers over the orange device gleaming on his wrist, attention already elsewhere as he quickly interjects into Shepard’s spiralling thoughts, ‘’Message from Major Kyle, Commander. He says he’s ready for the pickup. He’ll be waiting inside the compound. He also gives his thanks and...’’

‘’And what?’’

‘’...and he gives us his blessing, ma'am,’’ Kaidan affably expresses, faint amusement tingeing at the corners of his mouth while Ashley blows out a breath at that, placing a large palm dramatically on Shepard’s shoulder with the flimsy smirk she’s known for now, the flimsy smirk the Commander feels a tiny flip in her stomach for. A wave of relief passes over Shepard, laugh rumbling deep within her which she reins in to whisper theatrically, ‘’His blessing? I’m so pleased, Alenko, it’s everything I've wanted.’’ It’s the first grin she has gotten out of her Staff Lieutenant today, and Shepard rolls her eyes before getting to the controls, contacting the _Normandy_ with a new set of coordinates for Joker to collect them, as the peripheral not quite discussion of biotics shallowly laps on the rattling frames of her initial judgement.

 


	5. Mindoir

 

Ashley shifts on her feet uncomfortably, sneaking a glance at Kaidan standing rigidly by her side, his eyes serious and unblinking, locked onto their Commander, mouth pulled downwards just barely at the edges. She cannot see them all, but she knows C-Sec officers are all around them, sniper scopes levelled at Shepard and the young girl fidgeting away against the railing, gun shivering in her skinny hands, malnourished body jumpy and twitchy while Shepard takes slow, steady stops forward while attempting to keep herself lofty and not threatening. Not something Ash sees happening every day.

The Commander has left her communications open, letting Kaidan and herself listen in to broken and shaky voices in case they have to move in, voices that are cracking as the girl rambles about parents burning up in white light, flesh melting off, dripping away at the sheer heat of the unnatural flames covering their bodies. The docking bay’s atmosphere is practically suffocating in her hardsuit, but Ashley watches stiffly throughout, fixed to the still point, tension bleeding to her as she listens more and more; to searing hot metal bands cutting in on skin, shock sticks buzzing with glowing tips ready to come striking at a mere offensive word, cracking against ripped flesh and fracturing fragile bones. Only paying the slightest heed when they were too bent out of shape to be of any use to dig and carry. She listens to backs being crafted with sick symbols, treated like a slick canvas which steadily gets bloodier and bloodier, torn up from the shoulder blades downwards as the hot metal slices through smoothly with limited friction, skin sizzling off at the crude mutilation. Smell of pets and human live meat torched to crisp at any form of resistance, burning up to nothing, because that was what they were, worth measured simply in how fit one was. She listens to the girl calling herself being _dirty_ , being an _animal_ , listens to Shepard tightly overruling that with a clenching fist, listens to details about wires slotted into brains and heavy chains wrapped bruisingly around their limbs, kept packed in cramped, biting cages. Of needles pricking skin to dilute violence so they are helpless to defend themselves from their abusive slavers looming over them... clawing away their clothes messily while they laid there glazed over with drugs soiling their systems, filthy hands roaming all over skin and taking what they want like the brutes they were. Ashley feels her anger boiling over, feeling the aggression tick up slowly as she continues staring at the scene playing out, unable to look away along with her Lieutenant, at the girl and at Shepard, who seems to be losing her carefully forged cool with more words tumbling out, hitting too close to herself.

And then, it is done. The girl – _Talitha_ , Ashley kicks herself to remember, Talitha is her name, and she'll make sure to use it – calms down enough and takes the sedative on her own from the Commander’s outstretched palm, heart opening up to Shepard and _only_ Shepard and no other, when just minutes ago she was screaming not to be touched or handled by anyone. Ash and Kaidan start moving almost immediately in duo once Talitha gives into Shepard’s embrace, not quite knowing or understanding what’s happening, and the Commander holds her until she passes out, murmuring gentle words into her deformed ear while wrapped around her protectively, before very cautiously kneeling down with the limp body in her arms, placing her gently against the crate, fingers grazing delicately by her pulse and breathing leaden. Ashley’s throat feels tight as she looks at Shepard staring at Talitha, unreadable brown eyes darker than her own, and certainly darker than Kaidan’s, who has his mouth open like he wants to say something, but shuts it with a crinkled brow, because  _what could we possibly say about this?_

The flurry of activity around them doesn’t stop either the Chief or the Lieutenant from keeping their attention focussed on the one person who matter, but Shepard waves them off in typical, grim Shepard fashion, asking them to get whatever upgrades they wanted within their given credit budget in a couple of hours, saying she needed to settle things with Lieutenant Girard and Talitha, to make sure she gets the help she needs. All without holding eye contact for longer than two seconds as she pretends to look busy, which makes Ashley as uncomfortable as being forced to stand away from Shepard earlier, mild embarrassment ghosting over her frame for even witnessing the situation, for listening to hitches in breath from her CO that she had never imagined in her wildest dreams, hitches in the Commander's breath that aren't caused by the Chief tonguing over sensitive areas in the dark while pressed together. It’s almost like they’re on autopilot; Shepard’s words washing over them, not even strong, commanding orders, but the movement of the C-Sec officers jumping around, the running medical staff coming up, sees Kaidan and Ash move backwards to the lift, chasm opening between them and their Commander, breaking their constructed, invisible tether to her and pushing them into the elevator when all they could whisper back is a quick _yes, ma’am_ in unison. 

The walls close up around them, view changing to a blank surface as the lift hurtles down, and Ashley shakes her head, turning to stare open mouthed at Kaidan, who has wonderfully maintained his perfect, confused frown rather impressively. ‘’ _Wow_ ,’’ is all she can say, and ‘’Yeah,’’ is all Kaidan can muster, cut words slipping her tongue as her thoughts are a disconnected, jumbled mess she cannot arrange into proper speech patterns. Dim, blue lighting overlays them and they walk in step to the transit, facing each other with blank looks, then, the Lieutenant scratches his head to break the silence first, ‘’Shouldn’t we... I dunno, be there with her?’’ He’s waving his hands a little, expressing his disjointed wandering about as eloquently as the words in Ashley’s brain, his face blurring into the darkness of C-Sec Academy, breath whooshing over her as they’re standing closer than usual, not even realising it until he speaks. When she does realise it, it occurs to her she doesn’t feel as awkward as she thought she might at that, so the Chief simply shrugs in response, ‘’Well, it’s clear she doesn’t want us there now...,’’ trailing off as Kaidan tilts his head back to the elevator, ‘’Wouldn’t have a clue what to say, though.’’ They shift a little nearer as two turians jog past them, causing their chest pieces to clatter lightly against each other, Ashley feeling his exhale blow over her face again before he quickly steps back, grumbling, ‘’Sometimes you don’t really have to say anything... just- Just be there, you know? Maybe later we could-‘’

‘’’ _We_ ’, LT?’’

He jerks his head up at her barb, previously staring blindly at a spot over her right shoulder, eyes squinting as he licks his dry lips, ‘’Uh, yeah... I mean, we’re...’’ Kaidan flaps his arms between them again, something he does a lot when his words burn up inside his mouth, limbs flailing comically from his body while his throat bobs to find the right description, struggling not to seem flustered. Ashley grins, ‘’We’re what?’’

‘ _’You know_ ,’’ is the only, stressed reply she receives, the man standing before her gearing his forearms back, cheeks colouring up as he frowns at her more like everything is her fault, his ears turning red at the tips the longer she smirks back at him, meeting his continuously fixed grimace on his face. Kaidan huffs, but doesn’t break his eye hold on her, not backing down from her teasing, tone creeping with confidence, ‘’Shepard talked to me about my implant and Ju- ... and I know you and her are also...,’’ another deep heave, more hands trying to convey what he can’t voice out, ‘’I’m just saying, she cares. Even if she’s not the best at... _expressing_ that. And I just wanna be there to return the favour. As you do.’’ A knowing look flung her way, his eyebrows coming together as he gazes at her, not letting up of what he thinks is a near sure thing. _Little bastard_ , Ashley inwardly beams; the Lieutenant manages to surprise her every day.

‘’Oh, _I know_ , LT, believe me. I wanted to see you trip and fall on your face, that’s all,’’ she practically simpers back, trying hard not to snicker at the Lieutenant’s scowling, ‘’And, you’re not being as subtle as you think you are. The whole ship knows.’’

A pause. ‘’... Whole ship?’’ Then, a wince.

‘’You need to pay more attention to ship gossip, Kaidan.’’

_Kaidan_. The name rolling off her tongue in a satisfying manner, and both the Chief and the Lieutenant simultaneously realise the implication, because Ashley has used it before, of course, but this is the first time it has been used in relation to them. To Shepard. To them _and_ Shepard, the name showing up more densely and hanging between them in the gloom, eyes sparking with mirth as they simply watch each other with parted lips and heated faces, suddenly not knowing how to act around each other, part hesitance and nerves, part clueless. Fully uncaring of officers rushing around them, since the background has somehow faded away to a haze, lessening in importance at the exchange. ‘’Right,’’ Kaidan says after some time, voice rough and clipped, bringing a hand to rub the back of his neck while looking around him, ‘’We should probably get our things. I need an upgrade on my omni-tool, seeing as how the both of you take so much pleasure in getting shot at, the med recharge bonus is way too-‘’

‘’Yeah, okay, see ya later, nerd.’’ Ash is already walking away, raising a brow and just catching a wink she had instinctively wanted to throw out, curbing it at the last moment because they’re still in public, still human soldiers decked out in armour and weapons, known by officers in the area to be part of Shepard’s tipsy crew, and the Chief has a constant reminder of the Commander subconsciously at the back of her mind now. Kaidan gapes at her for a moment, wide eyed, mouth pulled into an _o_ of surprise at her blatant cheek, then their settling familiarity overtakes any lingering discomposure, and he shakes his head and laughs softly, at himself, at Ashley, maybe even at their whole situation. Nodding once and swivelling on his feet to his destination with a goofy smile plastered on his stupid face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

In the end, Ashley doesn’t spend her allocated credits on anything big, merely on better versions of weapon mods and re-supplying her dwindling grenades, because she’s saving it for a certain, particular rifle; shiny black and dark, red lights decorating gorgeous metal stealing a piece of her heart away. Making it back to the docking bay, one arm already up to send a quick message to her ground team to let them know she’ll be kicking back in the _Normandy_ , she spots Shepard by the railings on the opposite end, her body sitting on the ground behind the safety pole (and behind the safety corded off section she has obviously crossed), but legs dangling beyond the platform, swinging slowly back and forth as she gazes out at the beautiful lights of the Citadel, taking in the view of flying cars and pretty, blinking lights of the giant, ward arms. Ashley walks closer and she sees Shepard puffing away on a... _cigarette?_ The stick brought with practiced ease to her mouth as she breathes in, blowing out the smoke back into the air where it swirls and disappears in the artificially created wind. Ashley stares at the scene, chewing the inside of her mouth for a moment, deciding between ignoring Shepard and walking into the _Normandy_ , because the Chief doesn’t quite have a handle on how to approach this. Then, Kaidan’s gentle words trickle through her brain, _‘’Sometimes you don’t really have to say anything... just- Just be there, you know?’’_ , and her mind is made up just like that.

‘’That legal, Commander?’’ She ventures as she curls her body past into the restricted zone, gathering a quick glimpse at the keeper near them, which obviously pays them no heed as long as they didn’t disturb it, to enter the area and fold herself down beside Shepard. Ash rests her forearms on the pole and lets her feet dangle, feeling the wind whistle into her hair, the cool touching her face while she holds her breath at the gorgeous view, literally nothing but a rod of metal separating herself from tumbling to her endless fall to death below. It’s _amazing_ , and Ashley cannot help but grin once more, with Kaidan then, with Shepard now, the two newest, brightest points in her life giving her happiness from all the unexpected sources she wouldn’t have counted on, so similar, yet different in all the ways she wants to figure out. ‘’Not at all, Chief,’’ the person in question jauntily replies, scooting over slightly so Ashley can have enough space, seemingly glad to accommodate her, ‘’But I’m a Spectre now. Don’t worry, I’d defend you if we get arrested.’’ _Good to know_. There is a smile shown Ash’s way, and Shepard appears pleased with herself, not as rigid or empty as when they had left her, leaning back a little to take another long drag from the stick held delicately between her fingers. The Commander coughs and makes a wry face at the object in her hands, affably keeping up the conversation, ‘’Pretty sure this ain’t legal, either,’’ nodding to herself, though not stopping what she’s doing.

‘’Where did you buy that, anyway?’’

‘’Shady asari down in the lower wards,’’ comes the cheap answer so proud of itself, which causes Ashley to let out a bark of laughter, her shoulder bumping Shepard’s again, akin to the first time they had both shared a view of the Citadel, just like now, faces stretched into light, mesmerised expressions at the scene laid out bare before them, illuminating the dark space with merry twinkles, a beautiful view almost like it's made just for them, and _if that isn’t the sappiest, most romantic shit I just thought of_ , the Chief groans internally before adding with ease, ‘’That’d teach you, Skipper.’’

‘’Hey, I kicked the habit when I became serious about N7, haven’t had any of these in a long time, so my judgement’s poor, alright?’’ Shepard smoothly carries, legs swinging at a little faster pace and in a little wider arc, which Ash hopes it's because of her own presence, the Commander puffing out consistent, grey smoke, then side eyeing her with another tiny smile, ‘’... ‘ _Skipper_ ’, huh?’’

_Oh._ ‘’Yeah... that okay?’’ Shepard shrugs, but the Chief can tell the nickname sticks on her instantly, by the upward pull at her lips, by the eyes trained on her slipping down before casually turning back, leaning heavier onto the pole, chin resting on the cushion of her padded arm. Ashley stares at her until a beep on her omni-tool rips her attention; a message from Kaidan, asking if she's done, ready to head back to the ship, which Shepard reads beside her when Ash tilts the orange words in her direction. A thought comes to the Chief and she goes with it, charges headlong and blurts out before she can second guess herself, ‘’Are _we_ okay?’’

It’s like whiplash, and Shepard slowly straightens her back, removes the cigarette from her lips, and, _shit_ , Ashley doesn’t even know what she’s asking, doesn’t know if Shepard knows what she's asking, either, and she doesn’t know what she expects from the Commander; an unknown response to a question she hasn’t quite figured out yet. Shepard’s eyes flick down to stare at her still open omni-tool, furrowing as multiple thoughts probably speeds through her brain in rapid succession to put the pieces together, then back at her face, and Ashley can practically see her words hit her smack in the gut once she understands what's being asked of her, of two people swimming around for her. The Chief half wants her to come up with something clever, something witty, to brush it off as a silly game they’ve all been dancing around with each other, nothing more. Harmless. Fake. But then Shepard swallows, her eyes flitting back to the coloured lights, and softly whispers into the gloom, ‘’I don’t know. I mean... I want it to be.’’

_Okay._ It isn’t a denial, and this, Ashley can work with, typing away to Kaidan while keeping a side look at Shepard, who’s coming across as mildly unsure and worried, carefully treading the conversation like she doesn’t want it to fly away from her, take off before she even gets a comfortable hold on it. Message sent, Ash powers down the device, then smashes through to grab the reins, because that's who Ashley Williams is, ‘’I want it to be okay, too.’’ Simple, and to the point, whatever point she's making, anyway, although, it doesn’t matter, since Shepard is smartly on the same page, slipping along the same slope she is, trying to find purchase and a promise mixed with desire. An almost hopeful expression flickers over the Commander’s face as she turns to look at the Chief, and they’re near enough that Ashley can smell the smoke wafting from her mouth; a strong, heady smell overwhelming her senses enough to make it near cumbersome, which usually Ash would hate, because there's nothing sexy about the stench of cigarette smoke blowing over your face, but this... with the abyss surrounding them in their privacy, with Shepard’s lips parted just enough for her to catch a slight glimpse of an exciting, wet tongue, the Chief finds she doesn’t mind falling into eyes appearing black in the limited illumination, inches away and making her faintly light headed. So terribly near she’s sure Shepard can see the slight dilating of her own pupils and also smell the shampoo she uses on her hair as they patter along the edges of falling away to places they can't get back up from.

‘’Okay.’’

‘ _’Okay.’’_

There’s a moment where their brains short out as they’re unable to tear their gaze away from flushed skin and shiny lips, from the tiny scar under the Commander’s eye and the straight line of Ash’s nose, then Shepard chuckles, _actually chuckles_ , and damn if she doesn’t sound relieved, swiftly stubbing out the small burn on the end of her cigarette before flicking the stick away with her forefinger into the depths of the Citadel, watching the bitty piece get smaller and smaller until she loses sight of it in the grandness. They stand in sync and there’s that tentative smile again, charged with emotion and prospect, with a tinge of shyness that Ashley wants to punch in the teeth, an amused tone sliding against a calming one, and Ashley has to wonder how much any of them are getting anywhere with this, but at least it isn’t lying dead in a ditch where nobody would pick them up, her fellow soldiers blessed with enough intuition to tune into perceptions and underlying currents that she checks herself from having sappy, romantic thoughts again. _Fuck, I’m doomed._ They trot into decontamination with infectious quirks and an almost brush of fingers, enthusiasm leaping off them in waves they can’t control with quiet peeks at the other, before nodding and parting ways in the _Normandy’s_ narrow corridors, chests almost grazing and smell of smoke moving from one mouth to be breathed in by another as they live in the same air.

 


	6. Ontario

 

Chairman Burns is seated beside her on the crate, body held tight within himself and trying to appear as small and uninteresting as possible, still as a statue except for his nervous twisting of fingers which gives away his tension immediately. His eyes constantly flick around the room on the freighter, strain of his kidnapping and earlier threat of a gun muzzle pressed harshly into his skull making him edgy and remain mostly static by the Commander, not leaving her personal bubble. Shepard would care to reassure him if she gives a shit about Burns, but she doesn’t, so she keeps her view pointedly away from him and controlling the rising irritation at his unwanted proximity. Her own eyes are trained onto the far corner where Kaidan’s standing and talking quietly with the group of L2s who have formed a closed, semi-circle at his front, conversation silent and secret, kept wrapped up and hushed between themselves because they're too run over to be friendly or care about anything else at the moment. The L2 biotics, that is, not Kaidan. If there’s anything Shepard knows about Kaidan, it’s that he cares. Perhaps a bit too much for his own good, the sheer upstanding will and optimism fusing into practically everything he does; kind and honest, and worthy, that Shepard sometimes feels being on the chase for Saren is slowly eating away at those qualities in the man, as much as he tries to cling onto them and help Shepard cling onto hers, which she has already long ago cut up and made askew to suit her own fancy needs.

The Lieutenant is there now, probably speaking calm words, telling them what to expect, how to act with the Alliance when officers come to collect them, because the L2s didn’t particularly take to anyone except Kaidan, all of them staring at the rest of the group with hate and disdain, but eyes softening at the familiarity and shared plight with the sole member of Shepard’s crew, gravitating towards him and opting to listen to what he has to say. Shepard doesn’t blame the lot of them; desperate people with a ticking time bomb lodged into their brains have no reason to make nice with anyone except their own. And to them, Shepard is as different as Burns; her lucky L3 implant painting her as a figure they could easily have been, envy turning to resentment and casting her aside as unimportant because she's an outsider privileged enough to not have been born earlier to suffer along with the lot. But the L2s' disdain doesn't stretch to Kaidan, and Shepard would know, feeling the pull of the Lieutenant's gravity herself when she’s around him, his stable and calming nature almost putting her in tranquil ease she doesn’t feel too often, soothing the fire in her mind and smoothing the roughness of her own chaotic aura. Kaidan was instrumental in placating the agitated biotics while Shepard had tried to negotiate, his voice thrumming with empathy in a way Shepard can never quite replicate or fake on her own, his emotions bright and stark, heart on his sleeve as ever, and the L2s had trusted him, taking his word at face value which vouched for her. Slotting their guns away with the earnest and sincere look from Kaidan’s deep, brown eyes, and Shepard’s strict promise, because that was all she's capable of giving. She hadn’t particularly spent much of her life wondering about L2s or thinking about helping them, until now she’s faced with it directly, her Staff Lieutenant burrowing through her nonchalance and taking root in a way she hadn’t planned for when she had first met him, which simultaneously pisses her off and makes her feel abashed about, her heart grappling with emotions as Shepard arrives at the point where she’s spending her night cycles thinking about her fellow soldiers when she’s not busy having nightmares about dying.

‘’That’s, uh, some L2 you have.’’ Burns whispers to her, eyes nervously locked on Kaidan in the corner as he laughs shakily, looking at the person whose words are being drunk in by the group surrounding him, hanging onto everything he says with wide, innocent faces, still twisted in their apprehension in fear of what's going to happen to them. Shepard has to grit her jaw because Burns referring to Kaidan solely as an L2 grates her skin, his jittery form making her agitated enough she controls her tongue spouting off bullshit that biotics are much more than the implant cemented into their brains. She sniffs, dry air of the freighter whistling in as she continues to avoid Burns, ‘’It’s _Lieutenant Alenko_. You’d do well to remember his name when you... _‘take another look at the request’_ , unless you want to meet with another... unfortunate accident,’’ throwing Burns’ own words back in his face in a way that Shepard meant she wasn’t fucking around when Burns had said that. He’d change his stance on the reparations or the Commander wouldn’t be there to save his ass again. She thinks back to Hackett’s orders of taking out the biotics being her top priority, that Chairman Burns is clearly expendable, and it hits something inside her, the shame wrapped ignorance she has become conscious of recently, which was busted down when Kaidan spoke of Jump Zero. A silent, mild sadness she feels for L2s who are crippled by their implants and Alliance oversight, taking shortcuts, and people like Burns who simply didn’t care enough to set things right despite having the power to do so, didn’t care enough that there're people out there who are so desperate they were literally a step away from blowing the brains out of a high ranked official who could actually help them, because they have nothing more to lose. But Shepard’s new found awareness is there now, brushing and coiling around her ankles, wearing the face of a certain Lieutenant with curly black hair and whisky eyes, carrying the voice of patience and compassion, spearheading the new insight developing within her. 

Burns all but squeaks at her stiff reply, ‘’I will! I mean, I’ll change my... my stance on the reparations! I didn’t know, I wasn’t-‘’

‘’Shut up.’’

Shepard’s growl makes him snap his mouth close, and she doesn’t know who she’s even angry at, him or herself, slamming her boot onto the deck which was previously crossed lazily over her thigh. She misses Ashley. The Chief had jumped at the opportunity to walk with Tali – who had jumped at the opportunity to prowl the old freighter and see if there's anything of value she could strip for the _Normandy_ or her people – and had left the Commander on her own to deal with Burns, leaping after the young quarian with a quickly thrown out, ‘’Catch you later, Skipper,’’ before she could say anything in response. _Asshole_. Shepard grunts as she stands up, seeing Kaidan seemingly done talking with his group, and she turns to shoot a look at Burns who’s already halfway out of his seating position, intent on sticking by her side, ‘’Don’t follow me. You’re not gonna die if you stay here with the biotics.’’ His face highlights his fear but at this point, Shepard’s composure is thinning rapidly because of his presence and the heat making her head spin, the freighter’s old cooling systems slowing down and chugging along in puffs, not smooth enough to set her mind at ease, elevating the stuffy and hot atmosphere on the ship. Burns’ jaw hangs as he stares at her, eyes raking all over the room and back to the other L2s, some of whom have got their angry snarls flung in his direction again. The Commander would laugh if the situation isn’t so dire, so she merely cocks her head at Kaidan, signalling him to move just outside the entrance of the room, the Lieutenant nodding his understanding once before his attention is back on a few biotics cautiously flitting around him, placing a large, comforting hand on their shoulders and whispering final words of solace, to aid them and ensure their minds do not fracture or panic at Alliance officials closing in on them.

It hits Shepard again at how good Kaidan is with people, especially _these_ people, his welcoming nature and warmth assuaging those with unease, standing tall for those who don’t know better, or those who cannot stand tall on their own accord, and Shepard watches from outside the room. Watches Kaidan speak clearly, heartfelt and tender when he needs to be, not tripping over his words with her like he did sometimes when they flirted. The biotics finally let him go, and Kaidan walks over to Shepard, wiping the sweat shining on his forehead and smiling lightly as he nears, face tired but happy as he stands by her side, glancing back once to them, ‘’They’re okay. A little scared, but I suppose that’s expected, with what they did... I remember a few of them. From, you know, Jump Zero. Ash figured it out before even I did,’’ he titters a bit at that, but Shepard’s just glad Kaidan spoke to Ash on his time about BAaT. Because in Kaidan’s own, stumbling words, it wouldn’t have been right for the Commander to know this particular aspect of him, but not the Chief, and there it was him directly acknowledging this developing... _thing_ , that isn’t just restricted to them two, even if he hasn’t found a name for it yet. _None_ of them have found a name for the stupid triangle they're currently embroiled in. The Lieutenant scratches his chin, worry exuding in a way he’s trying to reel in, ‘’I just hope the Alliance isn’t too hard on them. And Burns _has_ to come through after this.’’

‘’He will. I’ll make sure of it.’’

Kaidan’s eyes drill into hers, perhaps he’s considering what she actually means by that, wondering how far Shepard will go for this, but then he exhales slowly through his nose, looking serious, but lips pulling upwards a little as he nods, ‘’Yeah, I... I trust you, Shepard. I just want to help them... they’re a lot worse off than I am.’’ The first thing that crosses her mind is that _that’s complete bullshit_ , because she has seen how many times Kaidan separates himself to go into a dark corner, separates himself from the crew to sit in the med-bay to weather the storm in his brain. She has seen him scrunch his face and grit his teeth, not wanting to be a burden, trying to subtly rub his head without anyone taking note. Shepard, of course, always does.

‘’It’s not a competition on who has got it worse, Kaidan. All of you should have gotten help long ago.’’ She almost spits it out at him, and it says a lot about their relationship, how much impact the Lieutenant has had on her, and how much they’ve come to grow and respect each other while understanding their speech patterns, because Shepard knows Kaidan understands what she’s saying. Her anger at herself, at Burns, at the whole ridiculous situation, wanting to help in her own, aggressive way she’s familiar with, as debatable as it is in his eyes. He is being modest in a way which drives Shepard up the wall, because to her, no one should have to put up with that, live with such agonising conditions and constant terror about snapping, and she knows she herself certainly wouldn’t; would probably have stooped to such measures herself, self-preservation overriding any forms of endurance for slow progress in the form of non-violent, endless letters, and the hopes of a better tomorrow requested politely on mere paper. What was it their leader had said? _‘’Force is the only thing they appreciate.''_ Shepard agrees.

Kaidan’s hand nudges hers (after he had carefully glanced around to see if anyone was watching them – cautious as ever), and she looks up at him, sees him smiling, ‘’ _I know_ , Shepard. I’m just glad more people are aware of this now,’’ he is speaking in that deliberate, clear way again, and there’s no doubt inside Shepard that he recognises the change in her, the part he has played for that, before he continues, voice chapped from overuse, ‘’Ash and Tali still not back yet?’’

‘’No. I swear I’m leaving them both here for making me deal with Burns alone.’’

Her Lieutenant laughs, shaking his head at her while she’s trying to keep her focus on the little lines worming from his eyes when they crinkle up even in his muted delight, and Shepard doesn’t want to admit how much she wants to trace those tiny lines with her tongue, move them downwards to the white scars on his lips, and now she’s staring at Kaidan laughing at her, whose ears redden just barely at the obvious attention he’s being given, who’s swallowing and quickly looking around them again, because Kaidan Alenko simply cannot have anybody watching his CO staring at him almost hungrily in public or he would faint on the spot. He bites his lip, gazing at her and wrist twitching like he wants to grab her hand, redness spreading along his upper neck, but then says, ‘’ _Shepard,_ ’’ strangled, – which means, _stop, not here_  – '' _Don't_ ,'' in that rocky way that makes the Commander want to grin, but she lets him continue without getting him too flustered in the open, ''We better go get them. Didn’t Ash say she wanted to mark Armistice Day? We only have a few hours left, and I could use a drink right about now.''

_Shepard_. It’s been a long time since he has addressed her as ‘’Commander’’ in private, and she loves the way her name rolls off his tongue, raspy and deep, making her shiver enough to want to tear his skin open and burrow beneath, raking her nails over his torso as he squirms and moans breathily at the lines she leaves on him, naked and twitching under her attentive fingers, body flushing all over, eyes rolling back in his head when she swallows him whole. She knows _he_ knows, too, so she smirks, ‘’Lead the way, Lieutenant,’’ taking in the view and just about resisting from an obnoxious catcall as much as she wants to make her Staff Lieutenant swoon right there in front of everyone for her, and especially, _because_ of her. 

 


	7. Luna

 

**Terra:**

The whir of the rocket drones are no longer buzzing around in his head, whooshing sounds and explosions in the compound fading away to a wonderful silence as Kaidan exits the complex with Wrex, boots back on the solid, grey craters under his feet, mind dulling with the atmosphere. Glancing about, he sees Ash, Tali, and Liara already done with blowing through their compound (they were the first to get done with their objective, effortlessly fusing their talents to take out the VI’s conduits), standing idly by themselves on the far side, engaged in light conversation about whatever it is making them giggle and whisper conspiratorially as they await the rest of the crew. Shepard had split everyone up to hit the triple bases at the same time, in a bid to ensure slower response times by the intelligence they were fighting, and it had worked; the toxic gas and weak shields powering up too late to sustain from multiple attacks simultaneously, the bouncing drones getting shot down and lying broken in pieces everywhere when they had timed their storming to perfection. Another green light pings on Kaidan’s omni-tool, signalling Shepard’s and Garrus’ success in their own base, causing Wrex to stomp one big foot, dust flying around it, and letting out a triumphant ‘ _’Ha!’’_ , lifting a strong hand to thump Kaidan’s shoulder hard enough his knees almost buckle, while Kaidan himself lets out a quieter breath, already moving towards the centre where the Mako is, their job accomplished and day instantly becoming brighter.

The krogan stalks ahead of him, powerful shotgun placed back onto his lock, and Kaidan lumbers slowly behind, his eyes drawn to Earth floating in the opaque blackness of space, a magnificent green and blue marble almost shining out against the surrounding dark like a precious gem. Something pulls at his heart as he gazes at the planet; images of his comfortable childhood wrapped up in warmth and security, his parents showering their sole child with all their love, stroking his hair and kissing his forehead even after he was messed up in the brain returning from Jump Zero when he was overwhelmed with anger and hate at everyone. Earth, now threatened by geth rising from their cold graves, led by another turian madman, leaving a wake of fire and death, ready to consume all he holds dear fully. The planet looks so placid, blissfully unaware citizens going about their everyday lives, and Kaidan thinks about his parents; wondering what they are up to right this instant, if they are looking up at the sky as well, thinking and worrying about their son like they did too often, trying to hold onto him as he had sunk further and further away from the light in his youth, drowning in the deep waters of drugs, booze, meaningless sex, and violence. The endless weeks of chasing after their quarry, jumping from system to system as they hurtle through countless relays finally catch up to the Lieutenant in the inevitable blurry vision which crops up the longer he stares at Earth, gaze mildly teary, heart aching with his soft snivelling and the tiniest hitch in his breathing unknown to anyone else but him.

‘’Enjoying the view?’’

Kaidan jolts his head at that, his slow feet has taken him to the group on their own while his view was planted higher up beyond, and it's Shepard who has spoken, who has one eye on checking her shotgun and the other on him curiously, while Ash ambles up behind her as Wrex is already pushing his way into the Mako, the rest mingling and waving hands about unexcitedly at the same planet Kaidan currently tries not to feel weepy over. He hopes nobody can see his shimmery eyes behind the tiny circles on his visor, and he coughs to clear his closed throat so he can answer steadily at least, surprise evident in his voice, ‘’You’re not?’’

Shepard turns to exchange a look with Ash, then slowly rotates to cast another look at Earth floating behind her, before shrugging like it's no big deal, ‘’It’s okay, I guess.’’

‘’ _What?_ That’s _Earth!_ It’s... it’s our-‘’ _Home_ , is what he wants to say, but he realises all the wrong implications with them just before the word slips off his tongue, jaw still hanging behind his face plate and struggling to come up with the right description, eyes flitting back to the planet as it tears the voice from his lungs while his palms are held upwards, like they can speak for him as his mind stutters and cracks at what he’s hearing. Shepard calmly gazes back at him, waiting, whereas Ashley looks like she’s smiling behind her narrow visor, and the Chief finally takes pity on the Lieutenant, shrugging along with their Commander at him being a dying fish flopping pathetically on the deck to respond, ‘’It’s not _our_ home, Kaidan.’’ Of course, she knows exactly what he wanted to convey, even from the blindness of their helmets, where he’s hiding behind his gear at his near miss, grateful for something to latch onto.

‘’Yeah, sorry, I know, I just-‘’ Kaidan trails off, huffing quietly as he mentally kicks himself, instinctively raising an arm to rub his neck before realising he is in full armour, the movement aborted as he hangs there awkwardly, thankful neither can see his face growing hot behind the cover, or at least understanding enough not to draw attention to his artless actions, ‘’It’s just been a long time. Since I last saw Earth, you know?’’

Shepard’s eyes are unblinking behind her own hardened glass, glow of the soft gold on her helmet stealing Kaidan’s attention until it switches to his Commander powering up her omni-tool, fingers typing slowly as she speaks, ‘’We could stay a while, if you like. I’m sure part of the crew on the ship is scrambling to send messages since we’re at this distance.’’ Kaidan is a step away from protesting, torn between assuming too much of her decision factoring him in (assuming too much of their _whole relationship_ , something he spends much of the recent night cycles contemplating about), and thinking about the crew, but then Shepard looks up, smiling clearly in a way now that’s reflecting in her eyes despite the mask, eyebrows raised in recognition of his feelings. Ashley mockingly shakes her head at him, ‘’You drive a hard bargain, LT,’’ but there’s no real heat behind those words, ease rolling off her to himself as they turn to patter off, leaving him standing there as the grits rubs around his boots, sight back on the pretty marble he almost embarrassingly can’t seem to get enough of at the moment.

 

 

**Rannoch:**

 

One Earth hour, is what Shepard has given the crew as the _Normandy_ loiters aimlessly in the system, enough for the people on board to excitedly compose their messages or send packages to be delivered along the nearby stations, rushing to take advantage of the communications speed at this range. The ground crew is still on the moon, some relaxed in the Mako, some in the compound examining the conduits and trying to gather as much information they can with the extra time. Kaidan is sitting on the grey surface, back against one of the short, base walls, his legs stretched out ahead in front of him comfortably, staring at the message he has half-written to his parents. He doesn’t have a problem with emotions via his words, at least, but he’s hampered by what he can reveal, draped with the secrecy of their situation, making him re-read everything to ensure he's not giving away anything he's not supposed to. _Ma, Pa, I want you to take some precautions and be ready to leave home asap to a safe place if anything happens because there’s a turian who wants to bring back ancient, sentient, killing machines. Also, I may or may not be in a relationship with two different people at the same time_. He squeezes his eyes shut and thunks his helmet back as his fingers hover over the glow, he cannot make it too personal even though that's what he desperately wants, to let them know, be aware, but they would worry, and they would certainly ask questions beyond his scope of answers.

‘’Hello, Kaidan.’’

The Lieutenant startles, jerks to see Tali soundlessly standing by his side, his attention too focussed on his omni-tool and words churning in his head that he hadn’t heard her moving in his direction, the quarian so stealthy on her feet. Tali’s faceplate shifts back to Earth hovering in the distance, where Kaidan has been blankly staring at while trying to type, ‘’Are you busy? If so, I can...’’ she gestures vaguely aside, bouncing lightly on her toes, implying she can leave if he doesn’t want her there. Kaidan blinks, feeling disconnected from conversation and mind floating away, part fixed on his home and another swimming around and aching with the faces of his family, that it takes him a couple of seconds to pull everything back to the now before he’s bumbling back to her in a haste, ‘’Uh, hey, Tali. No, no, I’m just writing to my parents,’’ saving and powering down the device on his arm, gesturing to his side on the ground in a clumsy attempt to invite her to sit with him. Tali is smiling, the Lieutenant can just about make it out now that he knows where to look, from the faintest shape of her eyes and the stretch of her mouth beneath the mask, and she lowers her body beside him to rest herself against the compound’s thick walls, strange feet crossed in front of her as she hums, seemingly content, ‘’Thanks. I just wanted to... _see_. Nobody really seems to appreciate... this.’’

Kaidan listens to the tone of someone who is homesick, who doesn’t even have a home planet she can touch the soil with using her bare hands, an entire life spent being forced to always be on the move, and it does nothing but further fuel his hatred for the geth. His gaze is drawn back to the beautiful picture in the black sky, something so perfect, something he can always go back to, the constant and steady place in his life which will always be there to welcome him back, where he has placed his roots down. Kaidan doesn’t understand, nor is he sure he ever will, the mixture of pity and sorrow for Tali and the fate of her people as he replies, ‘’Yeah... it’s not everyone’s home. But for me... it is. Really something,’’ giving in to a sad chuckle.

‘’You don’t know how lucky you are, to have this. I wish I did. The Commander and the Chief don’t seem to care much.’’

‘’Earth isn’t home for Shepard and Ash,’’ the names slip out too fast for Kaidan to backtrack, familiarity at saying them (granted, a significant portion of that happens inside his head), but he doesn’t miss a beat, doesn’t dwell on the spill in order to soldier on hurriedly, hoping she didn’t catch it, ‘’They didn’t grow up there. Home is... more the people around you, you know?’’ Tali more than anyone would acknowledge that, and he’s right, because she nods, saying she agrees, but it doesn’t prevent anyone from being upset, or even jealous, at the fact that they at least have a common place to rest their body on, to be able to live free without a protection suit covering them up almost every minute of the day, that Kaidan’s heart cannot help but hurt; because nobody would say no to the option what he and many others have indeed been lucky enough to have. Tali sighs, wistful, leaning her cowl back and crossing her arms lazily, ‘’Earth is beautiful, Kaidan. Very different from Rannoch, but... beautiful.’’

Kaidan nods. A few minutes pass in silence, the two of them slouching against the hard surface behind them, appreciating something so vastly different for each of them in their own way despite being worlds apart, and the Lieutenant finishes his message as Tali stays quiet, occasionally tapping away on her own device, running whatever algorithms she's keeping track of from the VI they just took down. The quarian turns slowly to look at him once it becomes clear he’s done, and then he’s distracted by her glowing eyes under the foggy plate, two dull, shining points in the mist of deep purple as he stares, her teasing voice hitting him and pulling him back to reality, ‘’So, _Shepard_ and _Ash_ , huh?’’

_Dammit._ Kaidan’s first instinct is to sputter, but it dies in his throat, brown eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights, gazing open mouthed at the sneaky quarian before him, who seems just a step behind outright gloating at him as several responses race through his overworking brain, but he settles for sincere and honest, taking a deep breath, ‘’I... don’t really know. Didn’t know I was obvious, either.’’ At which Tali laughs and coos, patting his hand lying limply beside hers, ducking her helmet just a little, ‘’Quarians read people well. And you are very easy to read, Kaidan.’’

‘’Am I?’’

‘’Yes. That’s not a bad thing, though.’’ Tali giggles, and Kaidan supposes beside Shepard, anyone would be an easy person to read. _Probably. Maybe?_ Even Ash had pointed it out to him, so he’s bound to believe her. The Lieutenant hopes his feelings on his current situation aren’t too overt; he doesn’t want anyone to just be able to look at him while he is hanging around the other two, and be able to rip out his insides at their will. Ripping out what Kaidan’s trying to hide, quenching them below the rising pool he is teetering dangerously on the edge of, ready to get pulled under at any moment. Because he thinks too much, unable to shut his brain off to fraternisation and tons of rules he’s breaking by having all these fantasies piling up; where he’s quivering and panting, head spinning when teeth mark him as he grows hot all over, burning ears and curling toes as two perfect faces grin lopsidedly back at him in the night, making him heady with desire to plunge into them deeply. Tali’s hand covers his again, and Kaidan must have been gaping behind the safety of his helmet, insecurities and apprehension screaming loudly for her to pick up on, because he’s automatically rotating his own hand, palm upwards to grip hers tightly. She’s looking directly at him now, and repeats what she said earlier, ‘’That’s _not a bad thing_ , Kaidan.’’

Their shoulders have somehow leaned into each other, and the Lieutenant knows she isn’t talking about reading people anymore, his eyes fixed on the strangely curved and misshapen hand over his own, three digits wrapped around his larger palm, although he’s sure his own hand must look strange to her as well; too many fingers twining around her too little ones, purple and grey coiled around one another delicately, as alien as it is to him and her both. His heart flutters slightly at their interlocked hands, and it’s not as awkward a fit as Kaidan had imagined, their lacing just nice enough for him to take comfort as he glances back up her, ready to willingly drown in the pool he has been faltering over, a much more different one than the pool of emotions he drowned in post-BAaT, ‘’I know... I’m just not- not really sure what to do about it. But, I know, Tali. Thank you.’’ Kaidan moves to stand up, and he tugs her up along with him gently, their uncommon pairs of feet finding common rhythm without trying, only unfastening their hands when they near the Mako, though never breaking their identical striding they easily fell into. 

 


	8. Nodacrux-Ontarom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **some torture content warning for second portion of this chapter

 

**I. Nodacrux**

 

Ashley’s rifle is ready, pointing at the mercs behind Doctor Ross, who’s still looking confident and sure of her position of negotiation, the scientist's body upright and standing tall, eyes unapologetic and hard as she faces Shepard down, speaking like she’s talking to a dumb kid who isn’t a smart little academic like herself. Just slightly behind Ash, on the periphery of her vision, she can see Garrus lean and steady, his dark armour gleaming as the light hits it, impeccable turian military training clearly marking his stance and broad frame taking shape with an unwavering grip on his own assault rifle. The Chief cannot see Shepard’s expression as Ross speaks icily about the colony on Feros, their experiments... offering a sum of money for the Commander to look the other way, ‘’ _Think_ , Alliance. There’s no sense in reporting this. It helps no one, it’s over.’’ _Alliance._ Spat out like an insult, thrown at their faces like she's superior to them in every way, and Ashley seethes, finger caressing the trigger, because _oh, just give me a reason_. Shepard’s helmet is cocked, shotgun held loosely in her hands at waist level, and then, ‘’You’ve got yourself a deal, Ross.’’

_What?!_ She nearly shouts it out loud, stunned at what she’s hearing, stunned at what she’s _seeing_ ; Shepard taking a step forward after placing her gun back on her lock, shaking Ross’ hand, who has the broadest, most infuriating smirk on her face. His expression is covered by his helmet, but Garrus looks similarly floored, head turning to her, to the Commander, staring at the room they’re in, very slowly lowering his weapon, like he cannot process what is happening in front of his eyes. The Chief’s mind whirls as she does the same, face getting heated up with anger as she struggles not to yell at Shepard, because she thinks about all the dead colonists they walked by, mauled and ripped apart, or colonists turned into the creepers, reduced to a senseless, garish parody of their humanity... and now, the people responsible are simply being let off with an exchange of a few credits. Ashley can still feel her heart hammering and rage clouding her thoughts when Shepard’s voice rings with certainty inside her helmet, on their private channels between only the three of them, ‘’Be ready to kill everyone but Ross on my mark.’’ All of them are already walking, on their way to the tiny compound’s exit, where Ross plans to use the Mako’s communications to get off world, and it’s like impact, collision, the crisp clarity mixed with deadly hate in the tone, and Ashley feels her insides scrambling, brain reeling and tripping at the sudden change, the jerking around with Shepard who yanks her one way and then another way the next. Garrus’ smooth ''Affirmative'' filters just a second before the Chief’s own stiff, ‘’Yes, ma’am.’’

They walk past dried corpses, creepers lying in sick, greenish pools, chunks of flesh missing from their shrivelled bodies where their guns had blown holes through them, and the Chief is paranoid, wondering if her gait is giving anything away, or if her arms are being held too tight, too weird which would make it obvious something is up. It’s the same, uneasy quiet they all felt earlier, but when they reach the biggest room, Shepard’s frenzied voice tears through their private comms, _‘’Mark!’’_ , and Ashley’s rifle is taken out at rapid speed as she ducks and dives, turning from her pole position to see Garrus at the rear using his sharp, taloned hands to twist and snap the neck of one merc, killing him instantly and dropping him like a sack of heavy bones to the floor, before kneeing another with enough force to dent the cheap body armour. The Chief fires, hitting the mercs’ shields before they fully register the betrayal and lies effortlessly spouted from the Commander, while Shepard’s biotics tosses a shrieking Ross to a corner as her shotgun blasts the head off the merc closest to her, easily detaching from the sheer force of the weapon. They are fast, reacting with such speed from Shepard’s command, swiftly gunning down the languid mercs too untrained, too comfortable inside their minds as they thought they were getting away free and easy. The rough biotics warps mercs crawling towards cover, shredding and twisting flesh, their bodies turning inside themselves, squeezing internally, and they’re convulsing on the ground as skin bubbles and frays with the blue light shaving their faces off, armour doing nothing for their aid. The mercs are near deranged, screaming loudly, just as Ross is, who’s clutching her chest and watching in horror as her hired goons are reduced to missing body parts and blood splatter on the walls, simply no match for the deadly trio mowing the lot of them down.

There is some clutter as the scientist stumbles to her shaky feet and tries to bolt for the exit, but Garrus is suddenly there, blocking the narrow corridor with his body, the tiniest, dual-toned hum exuding from him as he stares down back at her, amused at her escape attempt. He looks so imposing that it has Ross tripping and backing away, raking everywhere for a weapon, for help, _anything_ , but Ashley knows him well enough now that she wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing the turian version of laughing, seemingly impressed and unbothered by Ross at the same time. Shepard bends down to a merc whose leg is still twitching uncontrollably, bright crimson pooling from his abdomen onto the ground, pained wheezing piercing the air as he continues to reach weakly for his gun, straining to live at the form crouching over him like a grim reaper. The Commander’s hand moves almost teasingly to the gun, taking it beyond his grasp and places the muzzle gently at his jaw, pulling the trigger without a second thought, like killing a wounded animal writhing in agony, putting him out of his misery. The outward spray of red is slicking itself along the surface, bone at jaw disappearing accompanied by the stop of his leg, and she stands up, taking one look at the weapon she used before snorting and chucking it away like it isn’t worth her time. Shepard appears calm, so calm that it makes Ashley annoyed because she can’t see her face, can’t figure out what she’s thinking or feeling, and the Commander takes languid steps towards Ross, who’s rooted to the spot, understanding she has nowhere to go, ‘’Come now, Doctor. Where are you gonna run? It’s all creepers outside. We’re going for a ride, instead.’’ Ross gasps as Shepard grasps her arm and shoves her forward, and - _this is insane_ , Ashley yells at herself - the group is walking past still warm and leaking bodies back to the Mako, where the scientist is a shivering and terrified wreck, staring all around at the vast, green plains before shakily stepping into the vehicle, followed by the ground team.

‘’Drive to where there’s _incentive_ , Garrus,’’ Shepard says coolly, the turian already moving to strap himself in, ‘’We’ll need some information.’’ She finally, _finally_ removes her helmet, and Ashley’s heart stutters as she takes in the almost excited gleam in the Commander’s eyes, ready and raring to pry secrets in ways she’s trained well to do, elite N7 operatives in their full, scary glory. The Chief immediately knows where this is going as the Mako rumbles, kicking into high gear and moving towards targets while the Commander forces a struggling Ross to lean against the shut door, who ceases trying to punch Shepard in the face when she draws her pistol and jams it into the scientist’s gut sideways, clearly aiming away from vital organs. Ross blinks, relaxes, rapidly trying to regain some of the composure she displayed in the base as the Mako practically flows along, and Ash is riveted, not even caring about the mess of her hair coming out from her bun, the single drop of sweat trailing from her left temple down the sides of her neck while Ross speaks, ‘’I’ve already been straight with you and told you what we were doing, Commander. Be reasonable, and I can still make it worth your while.’’

Shepard laughs, easing backwards a little so she isn’t flushed tight against the scientist, boxing her in, but her handgun still grazes Ross’ arm where her skin is exposed, a reminder that she can and _will_ blow a wrist away without flinching. ‘’You haven’t really told me anything, Ross,’’ she replies, coy and eerily friendly, like she could be talking about the weather, ‘’Altered specimens and party tricks for your obedient servants?’’ Another laugh, biting and harsh this time, the Chief watching with wide eyes where the gun muzzle slowly drags upwards to an elbow as Shepard leans in a little, ‘’I want your files on the thorian. Other colony bases where you’ve set up. These... _rival firms_ you’ve mentioned.’’ The Commander gazes unblinkingly, inching even closer that her face casts a shadow on Ross’, as if the Mako’s dim lighting is also scampering away from the thinly veiled threat, ‘’And if you lie to me, I will know, of course. Don’t make me shoot you. Getting shot _really_ hurts, trust me.’’

They are so close, and Ross is breathing fast and shallow, eyes darting to Ashley, who wonders if the scientist can smell the cigarette smoke from Shepard’s lips washing over her, if it's making her similarly lightheaded the way it makes herself sometimes, though for completely different reasons, even if the Commander is back to pressing herself up against her to stare her down. The Chief remains silent, not saying a word, and even Garrus has stopped driving to turn to observe, clearly fascinated by the process, his indigo visor flickering shades of multiple colours, possibly recording and filing away for whatever future purpose of reference which Ashley has no idea what it could possibly be. Ross shuts her eyes and heaves, then nods, ‘’I- I don’t have a choice, do I? Will you... will you let me go, then? ExoGeni’s stocks are on the rise, but I’ll be long gone.’’ The scientist licks her lips, trying not to quiver as Shepard ponders over the request, her gun still gently tracing the inside of an elbow, thinking to pull the trigger or not, weighing her options, then the Commander shrugs and turns away to start linking their omni-tools, connecting the device to Ross, ‘’Fine. Only if your files are good for it.’’

‘’They are, I promise.’’

‘’I’ll want your credits, too.’’

Ross exhales, grits her teeth at the extortion, keying in numbers and transferring her sums to Shepard, spitting out, ‘’I can’t give you everything. This is all I can afford, I need some to start over.’’ Ashley automatically knows what is required of her, one arm against the low ceiling, while her own omni-tool lights up to receive encrypted files and she hooks up to the _Normandy_ , signalling the uploads and contacting Joker at the same time. Ross continues to speak, ‘’I’ll give you the codes to unlock them when I get someplace safe.’’ Shepard takes one last look at the files on her arm, makes eye contact with Ash to see if the transfer is done, and Ash nods, catching the green light Joker has sent back, bouncing off her, allowing herself a quiet sigh of relief. Ross isn’t lying; the files are legit, and the experts can start cracking in on them to dig out information they can use to help others. The Commander swivels back to Ross, then her free hand jams on the panel beside her head to open the Mako’s door, and Ross jumps forward so she doesn't fall backwards out of the vehicle, smacking into Shepard who holds her steady, just fast enough so the scientist doesn't tumble out. The first thing Ashley sees from her side position are creepers, whose attention is slowly turning towards the Mako and the woman hanging on the edge, shifting in Shepard’s iron grip on her wrists; Garrus has driven straight to another small, outlying area. Ross starts struggling again, but there is no mercy in Shepard’s eyes now, _there never was_ , Ash realises, and the Commander moves forward with Ross to the small hole as the scientist whimpers, desperate feet trying not to trip over the ridged edge with Shepard gradually taking up her safe space, ‘ _’You bitch!_ You’ll never bypass the systems without my codes. The files will be useless!’’ Shepard wrings herself free from Ross clawing onto her, where her nails are scratching the Commander’s cheek, drawing faint blood, and she backs fast, the Chief just about reining in a gasp as her CO leans back to plant one foot onto Ross’ stomach, kicking her out of the Mako onto the ground, where she’s landing with a soft thump, drawing more creeper attention, speaking calmly, ‘’I have the most talented Alliance tech experts on my ship, as well as a most talented quarian engineer. I’ll take my chances with them.’’

There is nowhere to run, the creepers are on to Ross in a matter of seconds, catching up to her as she tries to sprint away from them, and the Chief hears the tortured screams, forgetting to breathe as she watches ashen hands lacerate skin, digging and tearing soft, human flesh as Ross tries to fight back, kicking and punching as many as she can. It is simply too much, grey bodies overwhelming her, like a pack of wild, rabid animals sniffing out weak and diseased meat which has willingly and stupidly entered their domain. They rip at the scientist until the screams finally die down, leaving a bloody trail where Ross was attempting to crawl away from her death, which didn’t come fast enough, in Ashley’s opinion. She looks at Shepard, whose face betrays no emotion at the scene, before shutting the door and checking for human life signs just to make sure, never one to do things halfway. _Definitely dead_ , Ashley thinks dully. There is an appreciative tone from Garrus, who leans away back to the controls, ‘’Nicely done, Commander.’’ Shepard looks at him, wiping away the little trickle of blood winding down her cheek, actually beginning to smile now, _\- God -_  and raises one eyebrow, ‘’Thank you, Garrus, I thought so, too. Mop up the stragglers, then we can get the hell off this planet.’’ It all happened so quickly that Ashley still feels like she’s swimming, head submerged deep underwater, staring at some shimmery and grossly distorted piece of light from where she is, the blurry face of Shepard with an oozing red wound hovering beyond the edge of clarity, and she barely hears Garrus’ ‘’Aye, aye, Commander,’’ as the Mako’s insides rumble with the steady streaming of turret fire and a booming canon, blowing away creepers and probably further splintering open the already dead body of a human scientist, smithereens fractured to an unrecognisable, split corpse nobody can gather pieces of.

 

 

*****

 

 

**II. Ontarom**

 

It’s another one of those head turning moments; Ashley thinking they’re rushing to save someone, only now she’s staring at this Corporal Toombs sweating and trembling with his handgun, like a sickly fever is coursing through his veins and setting his nerves to slowly burn off where the fire eats away at him. _Scientists? Involved in Akuze?_ It’s too much to wrap her head around, and her first thought is that it’s ridiculous, but right in front of her stands the Corporal, begging Shepard, whose brief shock silence is replaced with gradually radiating fury. The Chief doesn’t know what’s going on, glancing at Kaidan who is also staring wide eyed and angry, and the Commander cannot seem to take her eyes off Toombs; a dead man walking, clearly spotting old cuts and bruises unable to completely heal, which are creeping along the edges of his neck uncovered by the undersuit, hinting at more beneath, just enough skin on display for Ash to spy tiny needle marks and whatever other forms of gruesome incisions he was subjected to in captivity. She knows instantly this teetering mess of a man is telling the truth, no matter what the scientist is questioning about proof, at which Kaidan heatedly answers, ‘’The Commander was at Akuze, she _knows,_ ’’ ripping through the tensed atmosphere in the room, slicing through Doctor Wayne’s rambling.

‘’You can’t believe this madman!’’ Wayne shouts, tiny figure with a very large voice trying to get people to listen to him, ‘’He’s delusional! Absolutely delusio-‘’ A flying fist comes cracking along his face, Shepard spinning at breakneck speed, entire body whirling around from Toombs to Wayne, her solid right hook connecting to the man’s cheekbone and breaking his nose with a soft crack. Wayne has no time to even recover, huffing and dazed on the floor, blood dribbling from his nostrils, before Shepard suddenly has a sharp, shiny knife in her left hand, and the situation takes another disturbing turn when the Commander flings herself down alongside Wayne, slamming the blade into the Doctor’s right foot with no signal, all the way down to the hilt as she bodily batters his curled form against the wall. _Holy fuc-_ Wayne screeches, the most tortured sound tearing from his throat before Shepard’s right hand covers his mouth, stopping the crying and leaning into his face, left hand twisting the knife a few degrees with a sadistic squelch, leather and flesh giving way alike, ‘’You want to see delusional, Doctor?’’ Ashley is dumbfounded, watching this unfold is so surreal, Wayne’s fragile frame twitching against the wall as his foot bleeds lightly all over, while Shepard’s breath ghosts over him, completely unhinged and looking to carve his head open from ear to ear, ready to use her knife to dance around in Wayne’s brain like a play pen, stealing secrets to help her understand the tragedy and nightmare at Akuze with the point of her blade raring to slice across the scientist's forehead. Ashley doesn’t know whether to say anything, doesn’t even think about intervening, and she reads the expression on Kaidan’s face to be of a similar gaping nature, with only Toombs licking up the picture with excited eyes, his jaw hanging open, silently egging the Commander on in fascination because he definitely wants this to speed ahead.

Wayne looks half-unconscious as he stares at his own blood when Shepard yanks the knife out of his foot to smear it onto his cheek, flat edge of the blade sliding smoothly on clammed up skin, right portion of his face covered with the redness from his own life and contrasting against his pale skin, eyes streaking around his own blood. The hand clamped iron-like over his mouth prevents him from screaming, but Ashley can see he still wants to, pain from his injury so blinding but he’s unable to even voice that out, gasping and struggling against the palm as tears leak out from the corners of his eyes, purely terrified. The Commander smacks the blade’s flat edge twice hard against Wayne’s cheek, sturdy metal clapping loudly on the hollow skin as she speaks, ‘’Don’t pass out. I want some answers and you’re going to give it to me.’’ The hand covering the scientist’s mouth is removed, who immediately coughs and spits down his chin, snot escaping his nose and creating a garish sight, rasping through the pain until Shepard hits him with an adrenaline shot in the neck, neither warning nor gentle action as she talks out lowly to the rest of her group, dark eyes still trained on Wayne’s rattled ones, ‘’Alenko, take Toombs and wait with him outside the room.’’ Ashley turns to look at Toombs, who’s frowning and clearly not happy with being told what to do, ‘’ _No_ , Shepard, I want to be here. I _need_ to know, I need to unders-‘’

‘’I promise I’ll tell you everything I find out, Toombs. But this isn’t the place for you right now.’’ The Corporal snarls a little, muttering more disconnectedly under his breath, staring at his gun for the briefest of moments like it's confusing him, but then Kaidan’s tight voice overshadows that, ‘’Commander, are you su-‘’

‘’Lieutenant. I believe I gave you an order.’’

It’s Wayne’s who’s got a knife wound, but Shepard’s words cut as deep, swift and dismissive in a way that Ashley feels it’s her who has been stabbed in the chest, taking in Kaidan’s heavy eyebrows drawing together and the faintest downward turn of his lips that obviously highlights his displeasure. There is a look exchanged between them, Ashley feeling Kaidan’s annoyance as she makes eye contact with those whisky eyes she stares at too often, only this time there’s no warmth of comfort, just plain simpering irritation which lets her know where the Lieutenant stands on these spiralling proceedings. Kaidan walks out with Toombs, and the Chief moves her attention back to Shepard and Wayne, whose breathing has slowed down to much more manageable levels, enough for Shepard to take notice and trace the knife down, ready to continue. ‘’Now, where were we? I want to know why. I want to know your other contacts,’’ the tip of the knife is dragged down, enough pressure applied to break through skin to cut it open shallowly, and Wayne stops breathing, frozen against the metal point coming to rest at his neck, his chattering teeth the only indicator of movement. The scientist licks his chapped lips, all too aware of his pulse throbbing against sharpness, all too aware of it potentially inching deeper, nicking sensitive arteries, ‘’You don’t know who you’re dealing with,’’ he whispers, so soft that Ashley strains to hear, ‘’I can’t tell you anything even if I wanted to. I don’t _know_ anyone else outside my cell... all of whom your friend has already killed.’’

Shepard is quick once again, skilled hand plunging three quarters of the blade just below Wayne’s collarbone, and keeps him pressed against the wall while he howls once more, seizing at his weak flesh easily giving away, and Ashley watches on, not missing a thing, mentally running through what she has in her first aid kit if she needed to use it soon, probably the only reason why the Commander has let her remain in the room. Blood trickles as Shepard twists the knife again, gyrating the hilt slowly, practically unhinged, ‘’You should know _someone_ , seeing as how I come by your organisation in my travels all too often,’’ she says in such a balmy tone the Chief’s skin _crawls_ , Wayne sniffling and whimpering at the knife tickling his bone, metal scraping against the collar, ‘’And you haven’t answered the first part of my question.’’ Shepard yanks her trusted weapon out again, the silver shining with red, brightly showing off leeching her mark as the liquid drips down onto the scientist’s once clean white uniform, now smeared maroon. _God, Shepard, this is crazy_ , but yet, Ashley cannot look away, not from Shepard, not from her knife which psychotically looks happy at having drawn blood, the scarlet fitting perfectly like it always belongs, jagged edges threatening to rip out more. Wayne weakly tries to struggle off when the Commander takes one of his hands into her hers, knife placed away to curve around one of Wayne’s fingers, bending it leisurely backwards, and Wayne panics once more, gulping and looking insane himself, stuttering violently as he stares at Shepard pushing his finger past a comfortable degree, ‘’You’re- you’re going to kill me, anyway! Why should I- What have I got to-‘’

‘’Lose?’’ The snap of bone breaking spits into the air again, and the finger is mangled, another raw lament reaved from the poor man slave to Shepard’s nature, pain spasms and tears overriding any form of higher brain functions or preserving of dignity because the Doctor is blubbering, wanting to curl into his broken hand and quaking with fear as Shepard looms over him, continuing to speak casually, ‘’You’re right, Doctor, I _am_ going to kill you. The _way_ I kill you, however, is entirely up to you.’’ Shepard reaches for her knife again, uncaring of the fluid dabbing over her gloves, never once worrying about the blood of the people she has taken getting on her, and Ashley doesn’t want to be on the opposite side of the Commander for this very reason, ‘’Does Cerberus teach you to withstand torture? Because I can drag this out long enough. Keep you alive _and_ conscious long enough... are you sure you have nothing to tell me?’’ It’s the longest, most agonising trail of a knife the Chief has seen, Shepard’s razor-sharp device scratching through Wayne’s pants, and very pointedly coming to a stop on the man’s zipper, tip pressing downwards ever so slowly into his crotch that it definitely must hurt. Ashley cringes, because, _shit, can I watch this?_ The Doctor is drooling by this point, but Shepard never takes her eyes off him, her hands confident, knowing exactly what she wants without looking, expertly handling the knife in ways she has been trained to, or _learned_ to, outside of the Alliance. Shepard's head almost grazes the scientist's as the point of her knife digs in a bit more lightly, causing Wayne to snivel, and then he’s crumbling, falling to pieces in front of the two soldiers as he openly weeps, gives little details which are not much use, but still more than they had before; information on the other members in his cell, how Cerberus contacted and approached them for their services, what experiments they were doing, dabbling in thresher maws and their capabilities, structures and biology, trying to weaponise their acid...

‘’Please, _please_ , I don’t know... anymore. I’m not-‘’

The scientist can barely speak, saliva streaming over his lips, blood still oozing from his foot and shoulder area, face pale and shivering against the cold metal back to caressing the other side of his cheek, slicing it open only just enough as incentive for him to continue talking, tumbling over his uncoordinated words. It’s just one big, pitiful scene, a feeble aged man of science grappling with a powerful, elite soldier, stripped down in a field outside of his expertise, clueless and so out of his league when faced with slowly, enforced pain. Shepard sighs, palm moving to cup Wayne’s jaw, and it lets Ashley know how sick the entire scene is because Wayne doesn’t shy or jerk away from the contact, actually _leans into_ the touch, so confused and loopy against a definite, unbalanced Commander, glazed and red rimmed eyes meeting unforgiving ones. ‘’Thank you, Doctor,’’ Shepard murmers, and one nimble, precise moment sees the knife sinking into his chest, right into where Ashley knows is the heart, the flawless and thin blade vanishing perfectly inbetween ribs to the organ. There is no screaming from Wayne, not this time, no energy left to shout, just a dull _‘’oh’’_ as the air escapes his lungs with the foreign object inserted neatly into his body. The scientist shakes a bit, one of the longest few seconds the Chief experiences, then he stops, eyes losing focus, stilling against the wall, his ordeal at last at an end. The knife is pulled out straight, and Shepard wipes the blood off on Wayne’s pants, emotionless and empty, slotting it back into her near invisible sheath near her waist, and then she’s walking past Ashley without saying a word, smell of metallic blood strong on her as she passes by, that Ash thinks she wouldn’t be able to smell anything else for a while.

The mutilated body of Doctor Wayne is left where it is, back against the wall, legs stretched, slouched dead into a pool of himself. Slashes on his face and shoulder striking, maimed foot lying in thick copper, one hand across his stomach where a finger is at the oddest angle, and his petrified, glassy eyes, still open, staring at blackness. There is nothing to do; they are done here. Ashley turns on her heels and follows Shepard out without another backward glance.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The Chief finds Shepard in the mess hall later, a couple of hours after they get back to the ship, feet up on the table, nursing an expensive looking chilled beer bottle, appearing fully at peace with herself as her head rests against the bulkhead. She follows the Commander’s eyesight to see Kaidan at his usual workstation, fidgeting over the panel and probably looking over the marine detail and the duty rosters again, glowering at the orange board distractedly. Datapad in hand, Ashley slides into the seat beside Shepard, who wordlessly passes the beer to her, still gazing at the Staff Lieutenant like she's puzzled about something. Cold, golden liquid soothes her throat a little, and Ashley raises her eyebrows, staring at the bottle, because _this is good_ , ‘’Where the hell did you get this?’’

‘’Gianna discreetly handed over some stock to me,’’ replies Shepard, head turning a little to grin at the Chief, who’s rolling her eyes because, _of course_ , help someone take down a corrupt Administrator and clean up some geth, you get overpriced alcohol in return. _Figures_ , Ash snorts. She hands the bottle back, but Shepard waves if off, letting her finish it, sinking a little lower down onto the seat and scowling at the back of Kaidan’s head, ‘’I think he’s pissed at me.’’

‘’You _think_ , Skipper?’’

The Chief blurts it out before her tongue can hold it in, but she doesn’t care much, knowing where the three of them stand with each other allows for some form of shit talking when it’s needed, for which she’s grateful, holding back on formalities sometimes because her CO made it clear she takes her opinion of the heart into consideration. Ashley rolls her eyes at Shepard looking baffled, a picture of unfamiliarity, akin to her short hair on her head neatly combed in one direction after a shower, when her usual look would be a messy, but still closely cropped mop, paired up with a face brimming with tenacity. Ash wants to laugh but she somehow controls herself, ‘’You seriously don’t know why he’s mad?’’ And it sounds so stupid even saying it out loud that Shepard actually fully turns her head towards her, frowning at the Chief and answering back hotly, ‘ _’Of course_ I know why he’s mad! I just- I mean. It’s done. I found out some things I wanted to know, and I’m okay with that. Now, what do I do about it _with him?_ ’’

‘’You should go talk him.’’

‘’I’m not apologising.’’

‘’Not what I said, Skipper.’’

Shepard inhales slowly, then huffs and slides a little further down, her feet no longer on the table but stretched under it, arms crossed defiantly over her chest the longer she glares at Kaidan, her testy mood in tandem to his and grating everyone’s nerves. The Commander blinks as Ash’s words register, then scratches her head, ‘’What would I even say? I’m not sorry. He has to know that.’’ Ashley sighs and places the bottle down on the table, rubbing her forehead, because she wants to hit Shepard so much right now, ‘’It _doesn’t matter_ , Shepard. It’s not just about you or your feelings anymore. You have people... _invested_ in you now. Kaidan’s one of them.’’ The Chief mutters several choice curses under her breath, grimacing at the Commander before continuing, ‘’God knows why _I’m_ also one of them.’’ That, of all things, draws a beam out of Shepard, and Ashley has to hide her face with her hand as her cheeks heat up, but also because _fucking Shepard, seriously_ , this isn’t what she signed up for. Shepard, for her part, chuckles softly, and knocks Ash’s knee with her own, replying in a self-satisfied tone with what she accepts as Ash's compliment, ‘’Well, I am pretty awesome.’’

‘’You’re a dick.’’

‘’Hey, I’m your CO, you can’t talk to me li-‘’ But Ashley’s drags her beer, leaves a little at the bottom for the said CO, then kisses the lips of the bottle, placing it back in front of her Commander, who slowly curls her fingers around the glass like she's receiving a priceless gift, staring at where Ash had kissed near the mouth. Shepard looks up to Ash, who’s already standing up, collecting her datapad to continue filing and choosing weapon mods for different guns for the crew, and the Commander presses her own lips at the exact same spot once while holding eye contact, before draining the bottle and standing up, too, both smiling at each other now, playful and affectionate and _dammit, we can’t keep this up, can we?_ Shepard clears her throat, then mumbles the softest ‘’Thanks,’’ the slightest flush on skin to indicate she appreciates the move as much as Ashley enjoys doing it, lips wet with cold beer and reminding her that _that’s_ what she wants to kiss, wants to taste as she runs a tongue over moist and warm flesh, not unresponsive glass bottles. But the Chief merely gestures to Kaidan and then Shepard’s walking away, towards him, one single misstep quickly covered up as she nears the Lieutenant, who glances up to see her approaching, deliberately placing his tools down and turning to the Commander with a blank face. Ashley shakes her head because _what dolts_ , then she’s on her way to the elevator, back to her guns as much as she wants to be a fly on the wall beside them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s Kaidan who comes to her first, down in the empty cargo bay, looking less sulky than he did the last time she occupied a space with him. Ashley wipes her hands on the cloth, then slides down the wall to sit on the deck, inviting Kaidan to do the same beside her, and he does, after quickly taking in the cargo bay for himself to check if anyone else is around. Boots thudding to her, smoothly dropping down and folding his legs, one hand going into his black hair, he leans his head back, throat exposed to her and eyes closing like he has been on the run ever since Ontarom, not getting a break.

‘’Well. She wasn’t sorry.’’

‘’Obviously.’’

Kaidan laughs at that, and it feels good to hear him do so, see him lightening up in the dark corner they’ve settled themselves at, his bigger body snug and comfortably warm beside hers, fitting so neatly against Ash's arm. He hums deeply, happy at least, relaxed beside her, ‘’I didn’t expect her to apologise, I didn’t _want_ it. The scientist, he- This wasn’t like with Ross or... even Fist. Wayne demanded a fair trial. I just thought, maybe... Shepard might’ve-‘’ He cuts himself off to exhale, but it’s not out of frustration, more tired, and still content than anything else, ‘’Maybe considered using him and getting some testimonies against Cerberus? But now we have nothing. I dunno.’’

‘’She might have if she wasn’t personally involved at Akuze.’’

‘’Yeah... I guess you can’t know unless you were there.’’ Kaidan’s left hand finds her right one, and then they’re easily clasping fingers together in the dim lighting, shoulders and arms burning where they’re touching, ‘’Still. Hell of a way to go, though.’’ The Lieutenant keeps his eyes closed, but his lips twinge upwards, hands intertwined and resting against each other, the Chief distracted for a moment by the bob of his throat and the flutter of his eyelashes in the silent air, mildest whiff of sweat and gun oil fusing them both together, the most perfect scent for a couple of soldiers bumbling about not knowing what to do. They sit there a while, and it’s a nice quiet, because nobody is coming to disturb them, nobody around them, that it’s amazing not to pretend, to be able to sit and do something silly like hold hands that it becomes so intimate in a way Ashley never imagined it could be with someone.

‘’Hey, Alenko.’’

Kaidan opens his eyes to turn and look at her, and he doesn’t seem taken aback that Ashley’s face is hovering an inch from his, brown eyes wide and framed by long lashes, gazing steadfastly at him, wondering if either of them should make the first move. Her nose bumps his, and Kaidan’s cheeks are mildly rosy even in the darkened gloom, breathing quickening and voice hitching, ‘’Yeah?’’ Ashley leans in a little more so their foreheads are also grazing, everything so hot and stuffy with their faces almost plastered, then she grins, ‘’I need to get back to work.’’ She hangs there for two seconds, and neither is moving, but then she tilts her head up to plant a sloppy kiss on the tip of Kaidan’s nose, before pulling back and standing up quickly, trying not to giggle at his gaping expression. The Lieutenant touches his nose with his fingers, the faintest damp spot, then he, too, is standing up, wiping his palms on his trousers, features turning gracious and smug at the same time, meeting her amused eyes, ‘’I... guess I better go, then.’’

‘’You better.’’

Kaidan begins to spin on his heels but then he pauses, reaching out carefully with one hand and placing only the points of his fingertips on Ashley’s cheek, making sure he has her attention on him, which Ashley already does, like she always has. She waits, cocks a brow, silently asking, and then Kaidan hoarsely says, voice as ruffled as his hair and clothes, ‘’We, uh... need to talk. All three of us. About this.’’ The Chief smiles, nods, and then Kaidan’s fingers slip off her face, flaming her skin where the pads of his tips slide off, returning to his side of the personal bubble before he’s striding away to the elevator, back to his duty as always. 

 


	9. Virmire

 

_She hasn’t thought about what to say to him, feet carrying herself to the Lieutenant because Ash all but smacked the back of her head and told her with no less than two cuss words that she should move her ass over there to a conversation. Kaidan, for his part, doesn’t look surprised in the least to see his Commander walking over, sneaking a glance at the Chief behind Shepard making her way round the bend to the lift, and pointedly shifting his eyes back, waiting. Shepard stares, because she’s not the one with the problem here. Doesn’t need anything out of this, doesn’t even want this conversation, perfectly content with what has trespassed, so she spreads her arms wide with a raised brow, gesturing towards him with open palms, silently asking_ him _to start this. Kaidan’s eyes flicker over her hands before drilling into her own, gritting his jaw for a split second before whistling through his teeth and shutting his lids, ‘’You even considered letting the man live, Shepard?’’_

_‘’Not really.’’_

_Kaidan blows out his breath, wiping his sweat with the back of his wrist – which, really, Shepard needs to place a face towel at his workstation because he does this way too often – and shaking his head, ‘’I know why you killed him, Shepard. I’m not questioning your decision. But, did you think about- this is more than just... Akuze. There are other things happening here. Wayne could’ve given us... something.’’_

_‘’I know, Kaidan. What do you want me to say? I tortured him for information, then killed him ‘cos I was pissed. It’s over.’’_

_‘’No, it’s_ not _over, Shepard! Cerberus is still out there. We don’t have a clue what’s going on. We had a lead and you just-‘’ Kaidan sounds weary, tired honey eyes from too little sleep and too many migraines which she cannot kiss away, and he’s gazing sadly back at her, like this is ingrained deep inside him to make him determined about, help Shepard understand something she apparently isn’t getting, and it’s making him disappointed, grasping at the thin straws of her nearly non-existent guilt, before continuing, ‘’Would you have done things differently, then?’’ Shepard pauses. Thinks. He’s right; this is much bigger than Akuze, beyond any of their comprehension for perception, a group fiddling away in the dark, covered in shadows and experiments that are waiting to be thrown out at the unsuspecting public... just like tough, armoured skin and luminescent blue tongues, razor-sharp claws stabbing through useless shields, bursting out from torsos as bones easily shatter around to explode outwards in a spray of red. Thick acid spat out from enormous mouths, splashing against helmetless faces and corroding bodies, screams piercing the deathly quiet where skin melts off and drips as liquid to the ground, like wax bubbling over a poisonous flame as they sink to the dirt to liquefy, slowly dissolving into an unsalvageable mess of parts before disappearing within a giant mouth. ‘’No,’’ comes the whisper, sounding strangled to her own ears, black memories of gaping holes in chests and smell of burnt flesh and smoke making her gag, ‘’I still would’ve killed him.’’_

_Gentle hands curl around Shepard’s forearms, and she blinks, stops unseeing with wide, open eyes to focus back on him, standing a bit nearer now, watching her carefully and softly speaking, ‘’I... get that, Shepard. You’re..._ you _, and I respect that. Just, you know, it’s-‘’ Kaidan stops, but his fingers are still warmly wrapped around her arms, not pulling away, thumbs slowly stroking the hard line along the bones which has Shepard wondering if she should settle her palms on his hips like she wants to, push him hard against the stupid panel he’s always agonising over and messing up some of his lesser important finely tuned settings like she_ really _wants to, ‘’It’s also about the larger picture. There’re entire groups of people out there who might be affected by this, whom we could help if we know more. It’s no longer just about you, Shepard.’’ Kaidan is faintly smiling, the grim, melancholic type of smile he uses when he gets a stinging headache and doesn’t want anyone to bring attention to it, burrowing away from the pain, but it has Shepard feeling better already, Ashley’s earlier words trickling in her brain as she finally moves her fingers to scrunch at the front of his Alliance uniform, grinning, ‘’Hey. That’s what Ash said. You been speaking to her about me when I’m not around?’’_

_Kaidan inhales, near enough he must smell the expensive and tasteful beer on her breath, eyes shining with a brashness Shepard wishes she views more often, and his exhale whooshes over her face, making her heart skip a beat, ‘’Well... yeah. This is a thing that we have, isn’t it?’’_

_‘’Mmm. I just much rather... be around. For this thing that we have.’’ Shepard smirks, eyes drawn to the scars on his lips again, white lines holding a story of their own; a knife pressing down and almost splitting his mouth open, sinking through delicate pink flesh and tongue, nearly tearing through a thin neck before a reactionary defence mechanism saved his life. Shepard removes her fingers from Kaidan’s shirt the same time the warmth of his hands leaves her body, where his crumpled shirt and the goosebumps on her skin as well as the dual elevated heart rates are the only indicators of their blatant play with fire in the open, where anyone could walk in on them to catch faces in differing shades of crimson eating up each other. She takes a step back and Kaidan opens his mouth to say something, but the Commander beats him to it, knowing well what he wants to add, ‘’I know, Kaidan. I understand what you’re trying to tell me. You’re... correct.’’ Kaidan nods, eyes sweeping over her frame once before turning slowly away to his work, his lingering frown easing a little._

Not just about you.

_Shepard snorts, because it hardly ever is, is it?_

 

*

 

 

‘’So, we should, uh. Have had this conversation about us earlier, huh?’’ Ashley is trying to be calm, but Shepard picks up on the just barely there shakiness of separation, the fear that she won’t be returning back to them, and it scrapes at her skin, itches and makes the Commander uncomfortable that one of them is going away. Pulling off to leave the other two hanging helplessly in the air where they won’t have their eyes on her, won’t be able to get to her if needed, won’t be watching her back like they’re so used to doing subconsciously, instilled into their every routine. Shepard wants to coil fingers around the Chief’s neck and tell her not to be stupid, wants to smile to diffuse the situation, but she’s unable to conjure up the words as she stands there with Kaidan and Ash, facing each other while the wind trills around them and the sand flies and grips onto their boots. The Commander’s throat feels closed, heart doing a little whine she isn’t used to as it struggles to grapple with the faces of two people who have slowly morphed into the foundations of her limited affections, but she forces herself to keep her voice steady, hoping to smooth out the rough edges of the frigidness lapping harshly at the trio like the biting wind on their lashes, ‘’There’s nothing to talk about. We’re... together. The three of us, and we know it. It doesn’t matter where we go, if we’re in the same team or not.’’

Ashley blinks back at her, mouth curling upwards only just, then turns an amused gaze at Kaidan, because that’s how easy their relationship is; no words, no explanations needed, all running along the same lane, back to back, understanding intimately that it dawns on them simultaneously what this really is. Kaidan looks between the two of them before ducking his head, hint of a smile thrown out, ‘’I guess you’re right. We all _do_ know. Don’t worry, Ash, we’ll catch you on the other side.’’ It’s another one of those moments, where the three of them are exchanging these longing glances, holding direct eye contact, and it screams to be kissed. Another one of those moments where it’s reeling Shepard in and making her want to move her hands over faces, skimming over cheekbones and brushing back messy hair, but then it will feel too much of a permanent goodbye. An ending she’s not ready for, so she stomps over the bruised heart beating wildly in her chest which is raring to spill through her rib cage, and remains still, tongue heavy inside her mouth with words she cannot say as Ashley does a half laugh to cover it up, tying her hair into a tighter bun, giving them orders to stay safe in a way which Shepard wants to yell back that it’s not for them she’s worried about, that it’s _Ash_ who should look after herself with the two of them not there with her. The Chief is walking away with a last wink of confidence, and Shepard turns to see Kaidan with a similar dread reflected in his eyes as he watches the figure move, breaking their carefully constructed balance and rocking the boat everyone has become cozy in. ‘’She’ll be-‘’ Kaidan whispers, only when Ash is no longer in the vicinity, clearing his throat to try again, ‘’She _has_ to be okay.’’ Shepard nods, and it’s like moving through granite, hard and crushing her head painfully on all sides, but she rips her staring from the Chief and the other salarians, knocking the Lieutenant’s shoulder with a closed fist, because it's time to suit up and leave instead of staring after a retreating portion of their nameless relationship.

Kirrahe’s words swirl in Shepard’s brain as she trudges back to the team, about fighting every inch for a chance of success, running to escape the blast radius of the bomb which would vaporise them. She doesn’t want to part with one of her crew, certainly not with either Kaidan or Ash, and it was hard to hide the brief flare of emotion at the salarian camp, rearing in the anger which threatened to erupt at the audacity that someone would even request for her people, asking Shepard to send in a piece of her heart to sacrifice in death on a silver platter. It didn’t beat the sinking despair when the two of them selflessly volunteered, ready to lay their lives down for the sake of the mission, and that’s when Shepard knew she was completely done for, splintering slowly internally to pieces at how at ease they were, always been much better than her about the _larger picture_ , prepared to run charging ahead to the enemy when all Shepard wants to do is hold them close to her and keep them safe. But she doesn’t tell them that, feelings kept messily shrouded because she respects them as soldiers enough, doesn’t want to make them feel worthless (because they _aren’t_ ), that she ignores her insecurities to continue, sending out a prayer to the God Ashley worships which she has no faith in, as Kirrahe’s statement skins her gradually; ‘’This mission is too important for personal preferences.’’ As is always the case with Shepard, it seems.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s falling apart in front of her eyes, and Shepard’s chest closes in on itself as she watches weakly, the geth ship hovering over Kaidan’s position dispatching troops while the railing is the only thing she can grasp onto tensely, gun fire and frantic screaming streaming in from their communications, of the two people who mean the world to her begging and spitting for the other to be safe. Shepard wants to claw her face off, because _this isn’t happening, not them_ , and she bites her lip enough to leave a mark, squeezing her eyes shut to the bright and harsh glare of the shiny surfaces reflecting Virmire’s sun, listening to their cracking voices pleading at her resolve which is so thin when it comes to them.

‘’Go get the LT, Skipper! You can’t-‘’

‘’No, Ash! Shepard, I-‘’

 ‘ _’Shut up!_ ’’ Shepard swears loudly at them, yelling and tearing through rubble and static, teeth clacking hard and anger fuelling past fear as she balls her fists so they cannot punch her own helmet to shatter her knuckles. She is pissed. At them, at the geth, at Saren, even at the salarians, and her current agitation regarding Kaidan and Ash is brutal, cascading through her veins like a fever, stronger than anything else she has previously experienced with them, making her teeth hurt as they clamp and mash together while her skin burns beneath her armour, and Shepard pins her fury under the tide to garner some semblance of control to grate out, ‘’Williams. You need to leave your group now.’’ The Commander maintains her direct voice, clear through their comms, and she silently gives the order to Wrex, Tali, and Liara, jerking her forearm firmly towards Kaidan’s end, the trio of aliens nodding their understanding and taking off at breakneck speed without even a word in response, rushing back to her Staff Lieutenant without her chomping at their heels.

Ashley shouts back, ‘ _’What?!_ I can’t leave them! Get Kaidan, Skipper! We’ll never make the rendezvous in time!’’ Shepard is running with Garrus to the AA tower, sore legs pushing past tiredness, ache in her torso steadily growing as sweat runs down behind her helmet, roaring of her frightened pulse deafening in her ears, but she forces them ahead, snarling back, ‘’We’re coming to get you, Chief! You have to meet us halfway! If you leave now, you can make it out!’’ Her lungs are bursting and the armour on her body feels five times heavier on her bones than usual, head turning and tint of visor doing nothing to make her believe that everything is too damn bright for the moment, blinding her mercilessly as her feet thud along the pavement in tune to the Chief’s growling, ‘’Are you _mad?!_ I can’t just-‘’

‘’Ash. We’re coming for you. If you don’t leave now, Kaidan will die.’’

There is overpowering silence for a second, only the hammering of Shepard’s heart as she throws her last card, ramming it in ruthlessly through delicate frames, and then Ashley is howling, hatred like thunder as she bellows back through breaking frequencies getting jammed by geth, ‘ _’Damn you, Shepard! Fuck!_ ’’ The Commander heaves and doesn’t reply, throat dry as her suit administers a stim, never stopping her running because she doesn't dare for even a second for respite. She turns her last bend and nearly crashes against Ashley, whose black armour is cracked, seams split open, padded portions torn everywhere, and even through the visor, Shepard can see the frenzied brown eyes taking the two of them in, only the Commander and Garrus, the rest missing from her group. There is no time for hurling accusations, and the three spin on their heels to take off running back to the elevator, near delirious just as they hear salarian voices crying out as blasts gorge their bodies, crying out orders to watch flanks just as geth troopers surround them to wipe them out. The ticking of the timer presses down on her heavily, and it would stop if it could from Shepard’s sheer willpower alone, overworking fatigued bodies to the brim of exhaustion as their feet splash into water just before ear splitting alarms start to blare around the compound. The Commander’s eyes are mad, zeroing in on Kaidan slouching lowly in the waters with Liara crouching defensively in front of him, her body inbetween chaos and him, her hand on his smoking and discoloured armour, dragging him away from the direction of the fight with slender arms. Tali’s omni-tool is flashing rapidly and Wrex is billowing, heavy intensity of the krogan roar piercing the air as his assault rifle fires continuously without stop into the sky, trailing behind Saren squatting on his hover board, and Shepard shrieks, throwing out a sluggish warp because she cannot concentrate past her numbing brain and wobbly vision to stop Saren fleeing, not when her mind is scrambled inside out and anguishing over a particular individual.

The Commander almost stumbles in her haste to get to Kaidan, water funnelling away as she runs to the body stirring feebly beside the bomb while Liara tries to inject something to his writhing form, deranged as blood leaks out, tainting clear water pink as it channels the Lieutenant’s life away from him, and Shepard can hear him muttering once she nears, mumbling uncoordinated phrases, whisky eyes crazed, ‘’Liara, no. I’m- _Shepard!_ No, go... Ash, I’m-‘’ Kaidan coughs and more blood dribbles out of his mouth, staining teeth scarlet, his lips an unhealthy red and face cut open along with bruises forming on his neck, ‘’Get Ash, you-‘’

Ashley shoves past Shepard to crouch in front of him, her helmeted face swimming before his, one gloved hand cupping his broken head gear to hold his rolling head steady while the other presses down hard on his stomach in a bid to stop the bleeding as Liara finally seizes her chance to provide basic aid, ‘’I’m here, Kaidan. I’m alright, we have to go now.’’

‘’ _Ash?_ But, wha- how’d you-‘’

Shepard’s knees bend the moment Liara is done, only taking seconds, and then the Commander is yanking Kaidan, jerking his arm up and stopping his confused slurring, but the Lieutenant sways and crumbles against her with a soft ‘ _’oof,_ ’’ hurt yelp stabbing Shepard while his legs buckle, not strong enough to hold himself up as one hand limply grips his helmet’s groove, face scrunched in pain like a knife is sticking out of his skull, whimpering where Shepard is clutching onto him. She whispers a quiet, ‘’I’m sorry, Kaidan,’’ and then she’s throwing him over her shoulders, blotting out his muffled cry for the final run to the _Normandy’s_ lowering ramp, imposing on her flaming muscles for one last time as they rush to the ship, brain flipping in on itself and stopping just shy of the maniacal state Shepard is close to slipping into, ignoring the countless death – no, _sacrifice_ \- she has ordered behind to focus on one part of her sickly heart currently draped protectively over her shoulders, because that is what’s important, valued and priced above the lives she has so readily damned.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The debrief doesn’t last long, not when her eyes glaze over as Liara probes inside her brain again, blue fingers shifting memories and digging along visions of fire and fused cables winding their way through sliced flesh, shrill and ghostly shrieking bouncing in the back of her head where entire worlds disintegrate. Shepard feels drunk, airy and lightheaded, that she wavers a little and half worries about collapsing, but Liara sighs heavily, hand rubbing her forehead to politely excuse herself, weariness lying upon everyone after the events on the planet. The Commander swears Ashley makes an aborted move towards her, wrist jerking slightly like she wants to grab Shepard and hold her when she lurches a few degrees sideways, but a shake of a head and dismissing the crew sees the Chief striding out the room without a word, probably making a beeline back to the med-bay where Kaidan lies drugged up to his gills to heal, broken body knitting carefully back together under the capable hands of Doctor Chakwas.

Shepard strolls to the cargo bay first, once she’s done staring at her hands after dropping gloomily on her chair in the room the instant the crew ambles out, doing what she can to avoid Kaidan and Ash in the med-bay, because her feelings are a disconnected and selfish mess, at the moment running rivers of dead salarians which she drowns away to pay attention to the fact that the two people who matter are alive and breathing, drowns away accusing alien eyes blinking at her in the black in fire when the Commander closes her own. Wrex’s head turns to peer at her with one gleaming red orb, narrowing as she pauses in front of him, ‘’Shepard.’’

‘’Wrex.’’

‘’Glad I didn’t have to kill you on Virmire.’’

‘’Why, thanks, I appreciate it.’’

The krogan steps up from leaning leisurely against the bulkhead, face inches away from Shepard as he bends to her level, then laughs, deep voice rumbling in a way that the Commander muses her internal organs shaking, waves washing over her, ‘’You’re a real cheeky little pyjack, Shepard. Wouldn’t want to be those salarians who died just so you could get your rutting mate out.’’

_Rutting mate_. She wishes. Huffing to ignore the comment, sure that her relationship with the Chief is hanging by a thread now, Shepard bites back, ‘’They would have died, anyway. It doesn’t matter.’’ Wrex’s eyes bore into her, and he grunts, but the Commander can tell he agrees with her. Mostly. Twisting the knife in the back of the sacrificial lamb to buy time, offering them up as a distraction so one can run past, fleeing from the sun into the darkness where safety awaits while attention is focussed elsewhere for rampant slaughter, too many decaying in blood for one person. The scars on his face contort as Wrex bares his teeth in silent laughter again, finding the whole situation much to his amusement as the large, maroon crest on his skull dips down, ‘’Wouldn’t want to be up against you in a fair fight, either, Shepard.’’ The Commander grins at him, finding it within her to chuckle darkly about this, her first time since landing on Virmire, because, _fair fight?_ No, it’s shit like that which gets people killed, and honour has no meaning to her if it meant dying, or burying someone else for whom her adoration far outstrips any archaic notion of dignity, not when ensuring the security of her spirit providing her peace of mind. Wrex hums, leans back to signal the end of their exchange, and Shepard decides she cannot step around glass any longer, casting a glance at Garrus and Tali in deep conversation beside the Mako, no doubt talking about their Commander, before jamming her palm on the elevator button to take her up to the med-bay.

The first thing she sees is the azure crest of Liara, delicate scalp – tendrils? – curved smoothly behind her head where she’s bending forward, which turns back up so the Commander stares at a pair of bright, blue eyes looking at her inquisitively instead, wide and unsure. On the opposite side of Kaidan’s bed, nearer to the entrance and Shepard, sits Ash, spine straight and back rigid, her hand clutching the Lieutenant’s unresponsive right one, who remains dead to world, face pale but cuts spread along his cheeks closed, wounds on his stomach mending while he’s oblivious to the dense tension suffocating his current atmosphere. Chakwas is not around, so Shepard lingers, directing the question at Liara instead, feeling the heat of the Chief’s eyes as she keeps her look fixed on the battered face of Kaidan, ‘’How’s he doing?’’

Liara, whose fingers are stroking the Lieutenant’s hair, swabbing at it in neat, repetitive patterns despite it being already off his forehead, revelling in the distinctive tactile feel and seemingly fascinated by his thick, curly strands, stops to turn her gaze back to Shepard, ‘’He will be alright. There was quite a bit of blood loss, and broken bones plus fractures in multiple areas, his ribs, hip, hand, a dislocated should-'' she stops herself from rattling off the injuries, breathing in, ''Doctor Chakwas assures that he’ll be fine.’’ The asari’s hand trains down to the bruising showing up vividly on Kaidan’s neck, touching it gently; angry marks where Saren apparently was strangling him before she, Tali, and Wrex had burst onto the scene. Shepard seethes like no other at the imprints, imagining Saren’s taloned hands squeezing his neck and just shy of snapping it, and she wants to crush the turian's face beneath the heel of her boot to a pulp for even daring. Liara sneaks another glance at her Commander and the Chief, probably sensing the sparking pressure between the two, and then she’s clearing her throat to rise, smoothing her clothes down to speak softly, ‘’I shall take my leave, now,’’ disappearing through the doors to the back room of the med-bay with a practiced, casual haste.

The asari leaving saps Shepard of her energy, and she caves down to the vacated seat, breath escaping her lungs as she clasps Kaidan’s left hand in her own, pressing her forehead against his briefly and kissing his dry lips like she has always wanted to, closing her eyes at the overwhelming relief sending her staggering, sheer volume she’s carrying inside her for the two leaking out from her pores at the sight of them clutching each other, no matter if one is not awake. How long has she waited to do this? Too long, to crush her lips against his, to hovel in his vast kindness, and Shepard sighs against bruised skin; Kaidan tastes like nothing. Perfectly clean and sanitary, only the faintest whiff of sweat lurking on unwashed skin where no mending was needed, for which the Commander is grateful, hanging onto the scent and focussing on his slow but steady breathing to signal his heart beating along in tandem with hers. She pulls away, back moulding with the chair’s, dropping her head onto her palm to murmur, ‘’I’m glad you’re both safe.’’ Short, and to the point, because she isn’t exactly prepared for this conversation at all.

Ashley’s hand doesn’t leave Kaidan’s, still wrapped around his wrist, but she’s staring directly at her, eyes brimming with animosity, ‘’I can’t believe you made me do that, Shepard. How could you just- Do you even know how many people I had to run past? While they were dying around me, I was running away.’’

‘’You ran away to live another day. No shame in that.’’

‘ _’Dammit, Shepard!_ You weren’t there! The looks on their faces when I turned around... they knew. What would they think? They-‘’

‘’Who cares what they would think. They’re dead.’’

Ashley snarls and jumps from her seat, and Shepard is standing, too, both glaring at each other from opposite sides of the bed Kaidan is down under, daggers sharp enough to draw blood but they don’t, for the sake of the man they’re hovering over, hands clenched and struggling to keep their voices low. The Chief’s arms are shaking, controlling her snapping as she spits back, ‘’Fuck you, Shepard. After everything I went through, after my grandfather, you asked this of me, using Kaidan, knowing I would- You _lied_ to me.’’

‘’What does Shanxi have to do with this? And yeah, I lied to you, I’m not sorry, Williams. Not when it means a bunch of them dying so you’re both in front of me right now.’’

Ashley laughs, hard and clanging, gritting her teeth as her voice breaks, wanting to cleave through Shepard with her outrage, and the muscles in her jaw are taut, eyes suspiciously shiny while she yells back, ‘’’What does Shanxi’- What the hell are you gonna tell the Alliance? The Council? That I just  _ran away_ while some of their best troops died, just so I could live?’’

Shepard nearly kicks the bed Kaidan is in, but she bites her bottom lip, feet moving to the other side and intending to walk out of the med-bay, because she cannot reel this in, though she's not able to keep her tone faltering, rising in loudness as irritation seeps through her body, ‘’Of course I’m not gonna put that in the report! No one has to know!’’ It's meant to be calming but the hysteria is rapidly overflowing since nothing she says seems to be right, unable to diffuse the situation as the Chief gets more and more disturbed, whirling with such speed to face Shepard who has already walked past her, stumbling on her own feet at her quick spin, emotional and beside herself listening to the shit the Commander is saying, and Shepard herself cannot curb her thoughts as Ash is pretty much shouting now, ‘’Great! No one has to know! No one has to know about Captain Kirrahe! Or Commander Rentola! Do you even know how many were on those teams? Do you know the names of those teams?’’

‘ _’Fuck’s sake, Ash!_ I’m not here to coddle you on your hurt feelings over some dead salarians, or gonna apologise because-‘’

‘’Aegohr, Mannovai, and Jaeto!’’

Shepard scowls, waves her hands away and she’s walking back, shaking her head, but Ashley moves to block her, hair coming out of her bun and overwrought, quaking at the dismissal and voice on the verge of verbally skewering her Commander, loud and tearing from her throat since both of them have given up the pretense of whispering to yell, ‘’They meant something to me, Shepard! They fought with me! They _died_ for-‘’

‘’Does it matter? They all live till only forty, anyway!’’

It’s the absolute worst thing Shepard bellows, and she doesn’t know why she even says it, lashing out blindly, headspace rolling under the righteous bark of the Chief’s bus, spilling from her tongue before she can control it as the insensitive remarks spearhead her ugly side, that she isn’t really surprised when Ashley finally breaks and flings a clumsy, flying fist at her face. Shepard sees it coming and dodges, but not fast enough that it misses her, and the knuckles smash against her jaw, enough force in it to send her tripping backwards as her brain registers the hit, nerves lighting up in recognition of the blow, and her whole face twinges. Shepard’s biotics automatically ripples a little and _no, stop, no, not against her_ , but even before it fizzes out, a hand grabs her collar from behind, roughly pulling and slamming her back against the wall, and Shepard stares at the calm eyes of Doctor Chakwas, white hair framing graceful, expressionless features, ‘’Commander. I must insist you leave the med-bay immediately.’’ It’s like being riveted at the sight of an endless, sprawling forest, the Doctor’s green eyes resolutely fixed on her, that Shepard blanks for a second before gnarling and shrugging off violently. She wants to say she’s just on her way out, defiant till the last, but then Kaidan’s stirring, trying to sit up, cloudy eyes squinting at the trio raring to go in the corner, ‘’Why’ss e’ryone yellin’?’’ His speech is hissing, every word connected to each other that it takes all of them a while to react to the man babbling at them, situation sticky enough that it must look like a weird dream from his end, but then Ashley is moving, sliding back into the seat to hold his hand, demeanour back to her usual elegance and giving nothing away, ‘’No one’s yelling, LT. We were just talking. Go back to sleep.’’

Shepard can see him trying to fight the drugs, to crawl through the haze in his mind so he can be alert, still annoyingly stubborn as ever no matter what state of half-assed consciousness he’s in, but it’s a battle he’s losing, flopping back down onto the thin mattress, whispering a soft, _’kay_ , critical of his own state of being, and then he’s out, breathing evening back, going back to being blissfully unaware. There’s blood in Shepard’s mouth, metal taste strong on her tongue, but she just about stops herself from spitting in the med-bay as she does a rude snort, thankful for the time being because at least one of them is having a good day. The burn on her jaw has grown, sting from a split lip coming to the forefront, but there’ll be no hiding it from Kaidan once he’s back to the realm of the living, the Lieutenant wanting to know every minute detail about what trespassed while he was delirious. Shepard squares her shoulders and finally walks out of the med-bay, intending to leave the bruise forming on her face, since then she would feel something, a reminder again of what’s important, what matters, and she'll wear that like armour, branding it with her priorities while she tramples over other people’s guilt and loss.

_Not just about you._ And, _’’This mission is too important for personal preferences.'’_

It isn’t. And it is. But it doesn’t stop Shepard from selfishly safeguarding what actually is, a seemingly bottomless pit of the cost she can, and _will_ pay, crafting her own set of affections to be above others. 

 


	10. (interlude)

 

The atmosphere on the ship is one of rippling anger mixed with restlessness, crew grumbling amongst themselves and muttering in secluded corners, all collectively pissed about the _Normandy_ being grounded, but remaining professional enough they don’t show it obviously even if they’re agitated about Saren zooming towards the Conduit while they lie chained. Ashley sips her beer in the mess hall, the cheap, gold slosh which has none of the light smell nor the taste of Shepard’s expensive stash, because the Chief wants nothing to do with the Commander’s business for now, even though said stash had already been openly offered to her and Kaidan within a heartbeat of Shepard stocking it up privately after Noveria.

Thought of the Commander makes the bland swill in her mouth worse, sliding down her throat and settling in her stomach like wrongness, making her feel ill as her free wrist twitches in memory of her hastily thrown punch at her superior, her CO, but more at her… _something else_. Not quite lover, not quite friend, hanging on the fraying cord of the Chief’s mind. _Dammit, I don’t know_ , Ashley grouses. Harsh and unyielding bone against surprised flesh, that she puts the bottle down for fear of flinging it across at Shepard’s locker, smashing the glass and its disgusting contents over the Commander’s metal box, which she'll definitely regret if she did. The Chief groans, dismayed with events weighing heavily on her; colourful and rough amphibian faces blinking owlishly back at her, hard edges of experience and rapid speech somehow finding softness in the way they worked unflinchingly with her, trusted her to watch their six, guns held up aside against infinite geth gushing out to sign their death warrants. Up against Shepard shouting in her comms for a solo and quiet retreat, dismissing Ash so easily it makes her want to throw another punch at the sheer callous nature. Her throat feels closed and it’s her squad on Eden Prime dying all over again, helpless victims as an onslaught they cannot begin to understand crashes over their shrieking frames, and Ashley is sprinting to survive while they fall, blood screaming in her ears as a confused brain topples over itself when red and black armour charges past her. Only this time, Shepard’s rescue feels hollow, worse than anything else, deft lies wrapped sweetly pouring from her lips, Ash’s fleeing apparently hinging on the survival of another impossibly close to her lionheart. 

Kaidan diligently appears around the bend in tandem to her thoughts, scowl fixed to his face as he stares at the datapad he’s carrying, muttering quietly to himself at whatever he’s reading, before he stops and jerks his head to look at Ashley, expression on his face sliding off as he takes in her similarly pissed off one. He sighs, drops the datapad on the table and crashes onto the seat opposite her, elbows placed on top, head in hands, like it’s the first time he’s sitting down after hours of running after Alliance officials or standing around writing carefully worded and polite requests like the man he is. Ashley would bet on that, doesn’t ask if it’s another drilling headache eating away at him, watches in silence, a part of her replaying his broken body slurring and spitting blood at her with glazed, streaming amber eyes, a different kind of terror gripping her that now she indulges to merely look at him, safe and healed, helping in his own way to stitch herself up, even if he doesn’t exactly know how he’s doing it. Because he is the living proof of the invaluable payout, of the sacrifice Ashley inevitably took part in, her anger subsiding in the presence Kaidan before her, which she is ever grateful for. The Staff Lieutenant eventually raises his head, white of eyes with a splash of red, appearing identical the way everyone feels; drained of confidence and sapped of energy, never ending chase for Saren constantly leaving them just a step behind him, always out of reach of the turian as their mouths are fused shut with politics and bureaucracy.

‘’Looking like shit, LT.’’

‘’Still better than you,’’ the mumbled response immediate, carrying enough snark that Ashley grins, stretches her legs beneath her table and jostling Kaidan’s ankles, drawing a tired smile from him that lights his face up through his haggardness, pleasant glow spreading inside Ash to douse some of her iciness taking shape. Their extended legs tangle neatly under the mess table, dirty combat issue boots against clean Alliance fatigues, that it should be uncomfortable and biting, but isn’t. Two pairs of legs overlapping, fitting snugly and away from cameras and suspicious, roaming eyes, the warmth enjoyable despite the layer of cloth separating flesh, dulling the fire in Ashley’s mind enough that if she closes her eyes, it’s relaxed and cozy enough for her to believe that everything is alright, if just for a minute. Kaidan clears his throat and laces his fingers together, doesn’t move his feet, keeping them where they are squished between hers, speaking softly, ‘’Pressly’s really mad. I tried getting in touch with Captain Anderson, but it’s a no go, he’s not responding.’’ Ashley nods, she has anticipated this, not after the fiasco on Virmire, doesn’t blame the Council or Udina for staring at them like they have sprouted two heads, their doubts making sense in the logical part of her brain, even if it does nothing to help with what she knows is the unshakable truth. The fact that neither of them can do anything at the moment laps at their aura, sparking lazily as Ash puffs her cheeks at Kaidan, two jaded and overworked bodies finding temporary solace in the prized company of each other. The Lieutenant opens his mouth to add something, but clamps it shut, and Ashley’s unasked question is answered when Shepard stalks around the narrow stairs, pauses a bit to glance at them, but otherwise continues straight to her locker, bending down to it.

It’s the first time the three of them are alone with each other again since the fight in the med-bay, only this time, no one is unconscious or unaware; Kaidan having slowly needled Ashley for all the details the moment his mind was no longer sluggish, patient and sympathetic when Ashley choked and stuttered, or flared as memories surged through her while she whispered to him in the thankful gloom of their cargo bay corner near her weapons bench. The Chief ignores the Commander in favour of gawking at her beer bottle, empty, and she feels Kaidan’s eyes on her, maybe unsure of where everyone is standing now. There’s some clamouring and erratic swearing, and Ashley tears her eyes to where Shepard is, whose fingers are digging themselves into the grooves of her stuck locker, muscles on arm shifting where the Commander seems to want to break the cover off, frustration bleeding out all over to them. Shepard finally growls and knees the metal, clanging vibrating throughout the mess hall, furiously punching it once before giving up, butt hitting the deck and back thudding against the bulkhead, kneecap and knuckles obviously burning where she impulsively pit them against tougher material than her own skin. Before, both Kaidan and Ash would have moved towards her, rare witnesses to the strength leaving their superior, but they’re glued where they are; Ashley still annoyed, and Kaidan caught between two women on opposite ends, his big heart unable to do anything to mend a situation he’s not involved in. Shepard raises her head from her palm, and from her position on the deck, she can see their entwined legs under the table, and the Chief immediately feels Kaidan’s legs tense against hers, so she eases on her squeezing, letting him pull away if he wanted, though the Lieutenant doesn’t, merely keeps his pained expression fixed mutely to his face. There’s an inward sense of relief at that, Ashley’s stubborn refusal to change the dynamic she has with Kaidan just because her dynamic changed with a third party, and she’s glad for it, kicking away the brief rearing of guilt she scolds herself for. Their joint togetherness is like a slap on Shepard’s cheek, that Ash feels her heart twitch a little watching the reaction, the Commander’s dark gaze sad and longing, but an outsider from their constructed relationship, swallowing and wrenching her staring to anywhere but that specific spot under the table, eventually settling sombre eyes on her hands, frowning slightly at them, wistful.

The crack in her demeanour grows, but Ashley squashes it down, feeling bitter and tight inside her body, and nobody moves for a few seconds, stretching it out like hours where Kaidan is downcast and the Chief ignores the sorrow at the sight, because _I’m not upset, I shouldn’t be_ , her sulking electrifying the air and making it hard to breathe that the sudden crackling of the comms startles everyone, Joker’s voice rattling through the speaker above Shepard’s locker, ‘’Uhhh, Commander. Captain Anderson just got in touch, he wants to see you at Flux asap.’’ Ashley watches as Shepard blinks, eyes faintly shimmery from her end, coughing into a fist and wiping palms on trousers, her own voice rough and a just barely there frailty evident, ‘’Yeah, ahh. I’ll be there. Thanks, Joker.’’ The CO brings herself to one knee to try her locker again, but this time, it opens. Smoothly and straight out, like it had never been jammed, and Shepard gapes at it for a moment before laughing, a heartsick and fragmented laugh as she shakes her head at being mocked by a simple locker, gulping a couple of times and then slamming it back shut with more force than necessary in a failed bid to hide the hitch in her breath from the two people in the vicinity, the same two people who have managed to worm their way through her stiff exterior to be able to pick up on the mildest shift in tone. Ashley waits for what she’s sure is coming, locking brown eyes with Kaidan’s, trying to concentrate on him, and like clockwork, Shepard speaks up, ‘’Williams. Alenko. Get ready to meet Captain Anderson in ten.’’ She doesn’t look at them while giving the orders, steady, but cold and unfamiliar, exactly what their relationship has become, transgressing from getting gleeful intoxication on smoke and alcohol to something halting, disjointing senses to cut on the insides, ripping carefully forged steel. Shepard adjusts her uniform once, then vanishes back from where she had come from, and Ashley rolls her eyes; she can’t help it. She looks to Kaidan again, his smile back on his face after everything, that it makes Ashley want to punch him, too, exasperated at his blatant grinning, ‘’What’s so funny?’’

The Lieutenant reels in his snigger, ‘’Nothing,’’ but it has Ashley smiling and rolling her eyes at him as well, kicking his shin lightly, black mood morphing in a manner for them to scoff about, dark and morose chuckles as they stand up to get their gear, trying not to brush their bare arms when the painful reminder is clear that a very specific piece is missing from their puzzle.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_‘’No blood for aliens!’’_

The single, pitched cry strikes out at her as the trio walk down the tiny flight of steps leading to Flux, their set plan with Anderson swaying over their heads being drowned out by humans cheering in the open square, group gathered to holler at their fellows. Ashley has to grit her teeth, recognising the symbol of the party instantly just as Kaidan murmurs under his breath quietly, ‘’Solid Earth’’; _Terra Firma_ , her memory rolls out. Shepard turns to shoot a glance at them, brief catch of her face enough for the Chief to see their Commander’s uneasy expression in their presence, but there are no words to be said or grimaces to be exchanged, as the first human Spectre is immediately spotted, demanding her attention in a way which prevents Shepard from walking off, a minor ear twitch the only evidence giving away her irritation at being so rudely prepositioned in public so freely. Charles Saracino is brutally efficient, an embodiment of charisma and flowering speeches, and watching him speak candidly to Shepard, Ashley remembers that he’s also everything Shepard is, in that aspect at least; dual magnetism of their personalities dazzling against the backdrop of the colourful lights and onlookers trying to eavesdrop in their conversation. In other aspects, in Saracino’s brazen political views... Ashley has to admit, not so much. Shepard fielding away the leader’s aggressive poking by suavely side stepping comments or accusations, experienced in flashy campaigning and backroom elections just as well as she’s experienced in combat, trading the boom of a shotgun for a crisp and clever tongue required of such sensitive, domestic affairs. 

Good theories and noble ideas forming foundations slowly being corrupted by extremists, that Ashley and Kaidan watch simultaneously as Shepard carefully extracts herself from her situation, ‘’I cannot support you, Saracino,’’ driving past the disappointment etched across his features, ‘’An active soldier cannot publicly give a statement on these matters.’’ The Chief is impressed, the Commander merely removing herself with words which do not highlight her stance, meaningless sentences framed up falsely to be fruitful and effective, having the desirable effect of allowing her to turn her back politely to walk off at last without offending anyone. Ashley feels the bubbling annoyance wash over her again, keeping her mouth shut but not doing it well enough that Shepard doesn’t take notice, and the three of them promptly come to a staggered halt in a dimly lit section as the Commander whirls to face the Chief, apparently confused, ‘ _’What?’’_

‘’Most of their supporters are a bunch of racists,’’ Ashley retorts, cocking an eyebrow, staring into the near black eyes, which even now cause a flip in her stomach in different directions, for different aggravating reasons unlike before. Shepard flicks to Kaidan, then back at her, shrugging with open palms, ‘’I didn’t say they weren’t.’’

‘’That’s right, you didn’t.’’

‘’Huh?’’ And _stupid, stupid, stupid_ , is what Ash thinks as Shepard stares back, infuriatingly unrelenting the way she can be sometimes, ‘’Did I have to?’’

‘’No, you don’t _have to_ , Shepard! But it’s the message they’re sending out, and you- You just standing there, refusing to comment by saying you’re an active officer, like that has anything to do with their-‘’

‘’Is this about Virmire.’’ It’s not even a proper question, and the Chief bites down the irritability that crops up, because, _is it?_ It’s exactly the kind of two-footedness she has come to understand with the Commander, multiple facets shimmering vividly for specific situations, and it pisses her off that she’s so hard to pin down, feet so often placed on the fence that it keeps the uncertainty constantly flying, not knowing where she stands on the important issues swirling around them, of humans, aliens, _whatever._ Ashley swears softly, shaking her head, because it’s near hopeless, Shepard’s dubiousness too overwhelming, snaky words and half-truths like given on that planet simply too much for her to handle, that she spins on her heels and starts walking, leaving the other two lingering behind, dumbfounded. A hand closes around her wrist and Shepard is there by the time Ashley takes three full steps, hurriedly catching up, breath just a tad rickety, ‘’Look, I’m sorry, alright?’’

Ashley doesn’t slow down, doesn’t see Kaidan remaining where he is, suitably smart to know this doesn’t involve him yet again, and grates out while pulling her arm away, ‘’You are? That’s funny, Shepard. I thought that was your thing, that you’re never sorry.’’

‘’Stop. Ash, just- wait, _stop!_ ’’ Another minor tug on her arm, like Shepard is afraid to put too much pressure, and this time, Ashley does, locking eyes directly on the Commander to see her sigh and rub her crinkling forehead, shifting on her feet as she throws glimpses around, moving off to a darkened corner, where a suspicious looking turian is hovering about; orange eyes glowing brightly as the pinpricks move over their numerous weapons in plain sight on their armour, before his mandibles flare once, stalking off to another space to await whomever he’s there for to conduct illegal business with. Shepard takes a deep breath to try again, like she’s winded from a marathon, ‘’Ash, I _am_. I’m sorry. I just wanted you to survive, and I was... _scared_. Because I-‘’ A gloved palm cards through the Commander’s short hair as her eyes roam over the background glimmer, for some reason unable to behold the Chief straight, her fingers further weaving through her unruly mop, ‘’I didn’t think about how you would feel. Or, those salarians... I just, uh. I didn’t care, I only wanted to get you and Kaidan out, so I-‘’ Shepard breaks off again, this time, eyes drawn on Ashley’s left shoulder, dull blue light of the wards making her expression hard to read, ‘’I’m sorry for dismissing your feelings after the mission.’’

The Commander _hmms_ , finished, nodding her head more to herself than anything, squinting at thin air as Ashley wraps the words around her brain, glare softening automatically as her heart thuds loudly in her ears. As far as apologies go, this is... _average_. Shepard isn’t sorry about the salarians, isn’t sorry about making the call, would do so again if the same situation presented itself, and Ashley huffs, closing her lids against the person standing before her, background buzz of the chatter taking over the moment her visuals disappear. She is apologising for reacting in that manner post-Virmire, for not considering the Chief’s internal turmoil, a personal apology ignoring the prior events, for not acknowledging the grief, and Ashley searches within herself to find she’s not surprised, that she expected no more than what has been given; no mourning for the countless dead lives left to disintegrate swiftly in the blast radius, which the Chief knows she alone will shoulder to pray for their souls, burden solely on her to remember the ghosts of sacrifice. She opens her eyes to see Shepard staring at her now, fists curled tight and held rigid beside her thighs, almost desperately waiting for that which she'll not admit, and Ashley licks her lips to reply gingerly, ‘’Okay. I suppose that’s... all you can say. Okay.’’

They gaze at each other a bit, shadows throwing themselves over their faces, and they’re drowning in the sea of activity around them, holding onto the only wooden plank inbetween, attention completely focussed in silence, until Shepard breaks it, hesitant and so unlike her usual temperament, ‘’So, are we... good? Like before?’’ Ashley hears the unasked question loud and clear, _how do I fix this?_ The hopeful whine for the nameless thing they have, to squeeze herself back into the spot in their trio, to _belong_ effortlessly where she has carved her place, comfortable amongst each other, and the Chief realises it’ll take time, and space. But Shepard will get there, eventually, understanding she can’t just steamroll over consequences once her actions are done, and so Ashley answers back honestly, ‘’We will be.’’ At that, Shepard visibly grows, inhaling as her head is finally held up higher, obvious relief washing over her face at the lifeline thrown graciously towards her, which she reaches out to grasp and hoist herself up at once, lips pulled at the edges just barely, whispering, ‘’Thank you.’’ Cracked, but cautiously putting the pieces back together to tape over stronger than the first time, recognising the importance of what they carry, of what they have slowly created, and they turn to walk side by side, amicable distance kept between them as they stride as a duo to find the last person waiting ever patiently for them, to not complete, but fit in to expand and glue their unique shape back bigger as one.

 


	11. Ilos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **sexual content in latter half of this chapter

 

The smooth slide of the cabin door opening is loud in the quiet, still air, and Kaidan wrenches his eyes where they’re streaking across his omni-tool, from deciding on recharge speeds and prioritising his more important programmes to look at the corner where he knows Shepard will appear. The Commander enters his sights, and sure enough, just as he exactly expects, by now familiar with her routine, her gaze swivels first to her left to his workstation, where the Lieutenant is sitting on one of those little benches, hunched over and doing everything he can from his end to prepare for the last push to save the galaxy. They don’t ask each other why neither of them are asleep, even if Shepard’s eyes flit momentarily in silent accusation to the sleeper pods where Kaidan should be in, grabbing what precious few hours of rest they can while the ship sails to Ilos, engines churning and putting in the extra mile to get there. Instead, Shepard walks towards him, casual, dull smile growing onto her tanned skin just for him despite her sleepy look, making his pulse flutter, ‘’Finalising your tech geek stuff?’’

Kaidan simpers, doesn’t miss a beat, concentrating on his functions while jabbing his omni-tool gaily at her, ‘’Well, if both you and Ash didn’t suck so much at this, I wouldn’t have to,’’ and Shepard huffs while narrowing her eyes at him, laughter playing on the corners of her lips as she accepts his instant quip while he continues, ‘’You gotta admit you lo- need this tech geek.’’ _Fuck._ He’s distracted, still glancing at the orange piece on his forearm when he blurts out what he cannot take back, but he can see Shepard freeze from the edges of his vision, datapad she’s holding in one hand loosely being gripped harder like she has to rush to prevent it slipping from her fingers onto the deck. The Commander coughs, weight shifting to the balls of her feet for a brief moment, where Kaidan sees the tight laces of her boots flex, before landing back normally to state, ‘’Right,’’ voice polished and drawing zero attention to her Lieutenant’s stumble, ‘’I guess me and Ash do.’’ _Need me? Love me?_ He jumps over the hurdles in his brain, signs popping up with bright, neon lights as he tries his best to ignore the feeling blossoming in his chest, half hopeful and half hysterical because it’s not the time to dwell on this, so he hurriedly runs along to join the end of her words, ensuring there isn’t too big a gap in their silence, ‘’I’m glad you and Ash are okay,’’ at last raising his head to peek at her, thankful he’s able to come up with something else effortlessly, and from the look on Shepard’s face, so is she. The Commander scruffs her boot, nodding, ‘’Yeah... I’m glad, too. I was, uh. Stupid. It won’t happen again.’’ She reaches out slowly to touch his neck, fingertips grazing his pulse as Kaidan stops breathing, motionless on his bench where Shepard, still looming over him, latches onto the tiniest bit of his exposed skin just above his collar, continuing, ‘’I like this thing that we have... and I want to be a part of it if I can.’’

‘’You _are_ , Shepard.’’ His right hand automatically folds upwards to his shoulder to hook fingers around hers, honest and sincere, eyes brimming with uncontrollable affection as he gazes back into her own, two veteran soldiers smiling at each other and skirting the boundaries of fraternisation in the subdued lighting when they should be getting much needed rest for their taxed bodies. Only their fingers are coiled around each other, but the heat from the joint flesh is so strong Kaidan thinks of it like a fever, where he can feel the throbbing of the veins along the slim digits, in tune to his heartbeat and the fire burning in both their eyes, sparking and raring to catch onto something more, and Kaidan finds he doesn’t blush, not this time. Not when the flames flicker around their bodies, and it being clear that they desperately long for greater contact apart from their connected few inches of skin, to shed unwanted clothes and place hot hands all over, twisting into hair, sliding them along battle scarred curves damp with sweat. Shepard pulls away, breathing out slowly, but keeping her eyes fixed on him, like Kaidan is her sole fixed point in the dingy mess hall, uncaring of anything else, ‘’I have to talk to Liara,’’ she whispers, waving her datapad she’s carrying lightly at his face that the Lieutenant completely forgot about, ‘’Learn more about Ilos, whatever might help. You should try to get some sleep before we get there, there’re still a few hours left.’’ He wants to barb it back at her, that she should get some sleep, too, in what could very well be their last hours of survival, wanting to be with her, with Ash, with the _both_ of them, so heavily wrapped up in their presence that Kaidan cannot think straight, but he merely jerks a nod, watching her walk away in silence and disappearing into the med-bay as his jaw refuses to work beyond the blood rushing to other parts of his body.

It’s not the first time he has wild visions rampant in his head, and he highly doubts it’ll be the last; wondering so much about their tiny hitches in breath or the little moans they might make in his presence when he drags a lazy tongue teasingly over their folds, wondering about mouthing over the throat of one neck while he thrusts in and out, of maybe Shepard, fast and needy, his arms wrapped tightly around her smaller body and his torso moulded to hers, while Ashley fucks him hard from behind, her teeth sinking into his shoulder as she is pressed up to his back, nails scratching down his spine and making Kaidan go crazy with lust as they move together in perfect tandem. The Lieutenant groans, thudding his head back against the bulkhead, blinking against the orange light of his workstation as his right hand cups himself roughly in his trousers, shaking to clear his thoughts, because he’s sitting there so loosely with his thighs spread apart, mouth hanging open and cheeks flushed, want for something intimate so strong after so long without the comfort of a partner, and he cannot screw this up, _I won’t screw this up_. Not the mission, not their relationship, and Kaidan lingers awhile, settling his breathing as he stares up emptily at the ceiling metal.

He pushes himself to his feet, a little wobbly as his head catches up to his sudden movement, repeatedly pondering over what to do, fighting between the pure desire of his heart and body, and thinking he should get the short sleep Shepard suggested, when the tiny hum of the elevator indicates it has stopped at the level. Kaidan glances at the bend, and Ashley stalks around it, her face reflecting a similar kind of unsureness as she takes him in, quickly moving towards the Lieutenant like she’s unable to resist his gravity, the way he has fallen into hers the more he got to know her, falling away at the pull she easily exudes over him. “Oh, hey, Kaidan,” Ash is whispering fast, a soft secret she wants to share amidst no one, surging on, “I was hoping you were still awake… I wanted to see you and Shepard.” Kaidan thinks he knows why she’s here, now of all times, when Ilos hangs menacingly over them with the threat of death, and he clears the tickle in his throat to reply evenly, ‘’Uhh, she’s with Liara, going over some details,’’ his voice all manners of coarse in ways he cannot smooth, but his brain is blank and the words are tumbling from his lips, spilling through the logical part of him before he can overthink things as he does, ‘’We could, uh, wait in her cabin.’’ _What?_ Ashley’s deep, brown eyes blink at him, and Kaidan’s aware it sounds exactly like the beginning of a bad porno, the dumbest reasons thrown into the air as they both await each other, as close as they can physically be without actually touching, that he feels the heat washing onto his chest, pupils dilating from more than just being in the gloom, and it doesn’t stop the Chief from licking her lips or casting glances around, turning back to him with a parted mouth to answer, ‘’Yeah... we can do that.’’

Their boots weigh down like lead, pushing through thick mud to take the few steps to Shepard’s cabin, and Ashley speaks up, curious, ‘’Wait, how do you know her passcode?’’ Kaidan grins back at her, excitement and nervousness breezing along underlying the simple ease he’s in in her presence because of their steady base, that he answers back with an amused laugh, ‘’It’s her birthday.’’

‘’Are you kidding? No one’s that st-‘’ she stops when the lock changes from red to green, Kaidan’s fingers moving deftly over the number pad, and he chuckles at Ashley shaking her head, trying to scowl at their Commander but fondness overtaking her features despite it, ‘’Stupid,’’ she finishes. ‘’We really need to talk to her about setting proper passcodes.’’

They quickly filter in, door sliding shut behind, protecting them from potentially prying eyes, and Kaidan turns around to Ash, faces so near he feels her breath caress his skin, warm and inviting in the dark of the cabin, Ashley’s features all straight and solid in ways he wants to touch everywhere and experience for himself. The Lieutenant is enchanted, already half hard from before, and he can’t wait anymore, his hands determinedly placing on her hips, and then it’s like wildfire as the Chief gets her cue to act, exploding almost instantly. Ashley arms coil around his neck and she kisses him, furious and raw, with Kaidan giving back as much as he gets, their bodies pressed into each other so tight it makes him mad with frenzy. He grabs her by her shoulders and backs her to a wall, their lips still bruising, teeth clacking in their haste and passion, and Kaidan moans deep in his throat as Ash’s nails dig into his biceps through his clothes, sighing against her. The Lieutenant keeps part of his weight on Ash as he pulls back, eyes glinting, staring at her shiny lips and grinning, ‘’Mmm, alone in a room. Think of all the ways I could ravish you,’’ he’s whispering against her mouth, his hands still heavily placed on her shoulders, but then he feels a sharp jab in his stomach, Ashley’s elbow hitting his ribs. Before he can act, she wiggles from her position, like graceful fluid moving around him, and Kaidan is slammed into the wall, their positions reversed with a knee in his groin, pressing hard. He’s winded, head whirling, and he doesn’t know if it’s from the quick turn or the air whooshing out of his lungs with his back colliding into the wall, but it only excites him further as he laughs breathlessly, gazing down at Ashley with burning eyes, ‘’ _Or_ ,’’ voice so rough and shaky, very much aroused, cock throbbing against her bony knee, ‘’You could ravish me.’’

Her leg moves to provide more friction, and it hurts in the best way, Kaidan feeling so strained and like he doesn’t have enough space, lightheaded as he grounds his bulge more into it, inevitably letting out a quiet whine which has Ashley chuckle, her lips gently descending on his to swallow the sounds he’s making. His hands have already tucked out the hem of her shirt, palms sliding up and down her back, flesh so warm and pressing her more to him, moving their hips together, and Kaidan thinks he might drown in the Chief, never getting enough air as a slender hand snakes behind him to squeeze his ass, hard cock trapped in the confines of their bodies, his briefs already damp. Kaidan wants more, he _needs_ more, brain leaking out of his ears as they kiss, his back still against the wall as he tries to grind himself on Ashley’s leg, not getting enough movement or leverage, while one of his hands is inching down her trousers, forcing fingers in to brush against hair below her navel. The Chief moans into his mouth as he finds her clit, rubbing it lightly, and Kaidan can feel both their hearts beating wildly through the fabric, Ashley’s breasts squished against his chest, doesn’t pause to think anything when he moves his mouth down to her neck, sucking on a spot as his fingers still work her, sticky with her own arousal.

They are so caught up in each other, grinding and sucking, completely forgetting where they are, that they jump a little when the door slides open for Shepard to walk in, freezing again at the sight of the two of them plastered to her cabin wall. Neither of them pull away, however, and Shepard’s face is inscrutable, voice slyly tight as she speaks, ‘’Don’t let me stop you... carry on.’’ The Commander walks nearer, and Kaidan can see her better now, lips parted and breathing hard at the mere sight of them, excited to be watching what’s happening in front of her very eyes, that he’s captivated by her hungry gaze so much he doesn’t feel Ashley shoving a hand down his briefs, gripping his cock. Kaidan gasps at the sudden, cold fingers, his pants finally pushed down, and his eyes roll back when the Chief’s hand jerks him twice and stops. He turns his head to see Shepard’s eyes on his dick, heavy and leaking in Ashley’s hand, and the Commander bites her lip, switching her gaze back up at them, both staring at her, dark and no less aroused than before at being so deliberately caught, that the Lieutenant’s discovering things about himself he has never considered. The Chief jerks him again, harsh, and Kaidan cannot help the whimper escape his mouth, vision blurry in the dim lighting as his knees quiver, mind blank with Ashley’s blatant teasing, not giving him what he so desperately aches for as he tries to rock into her hand. Shepard is moving and her teeth sink into Kaidan’s exposed throat, cutting off his sob, sucking and marking directly over the centre as he feels Ashley’s hand tighten around him once more, hot bands over his cock that he tries to buck into her fist again, pleasure shooting through as dull pain digs in his neck with the two of them over him. It’s hard for the Lieutenant to catch his breath when Shepard removes her mouth on him to kiss Ash, noises low in both their throats as they go at each other, forceful and insistent, moaning in front of him as Ashley still remembers to jerk him off roughly, her other hand coiled and pulling cruelly tight on Shepard’s short hair.

And then, the Commander is drawing back, clawing hurriedly at the Chief’s shirt, trying to walk all of them to the bed at last, the trio tripping and stumbling out of their clothes, struggling to kick off boots and socks strewn along the way as they kiss and grope their way towards the soft mattress, blunt nails grating skin and fingers rubbing through wet underwear before almost tearing if off in their urgency. Kaidan tumbles backwards first, back of his knees colliding with the edge of the bed, and he falls, pulling the both of them onto him, refusing to even be a second apart from contact, laughing haltingly as his already bruised ribs take another sharp elbow, from Ash or Shepard, he doesn’t know, _doesn’t care_ , because it means they’re both there with him. Their skin hot and sweaty, breath ghosting over the hair on his chest and making him shiver, that he wants to simply fold around them, fusing his body with theirs as emotions he kept at bay come cascading forward as he watches them grin at him and at each other, hair messy and eyes bright with craving. The Lieutenant yanks at an arm, trying to get Ash to shift above him as Shepard’s almost full weight lowers, the Commander’s mouth sinking onto one hard nipple to suck lightly while her hand trickles down to his balls, massaging and rolling them in her palm at erratic intervals to make his head spin and go dizzy. Kaidan whines, sensations screaming through everything else, his chest heaving when Ashley finally realises what he’s trying to do, because words are failing him, burning away on his tongue when Shepard’s teeth bite at the delicate nipple, pulling it, his whole body sparking blue an instant before he reins it back so fast his head swims with hurt and pleasure. The Chief’s hands curl into his thick hair as she settles, holding him like she’s ready to ride his face, and Kaidan moves his own arms on her groin, craning his head to stab a tongue into her without warning. Ashley sighs, relaxes against him as her thighs fall apart further, letting him work, and Kaidan wastes no time running his lips over the folds, tongue dragging inbetween, up and down, _everywhere_ , wanting to lick her dry, circling her clit first to tease and then sucking on it just as he feels Shepard drag her teeth down his abdomen, scraping wildly and abrading him as she trails slowly downwards, making Kaidan’s body arch in anticipation at what he thinks is going to happen.

The noises Ashley makes is beautiful, long groans and shuddering hips pushing onto Kaidan’s face when he strains his head further, fucking into her endlessly with his tongue as much as he’s able to, swirling and licking inside the way he knows will make her crumble, as deep as he can go, nose in her hairs inhaling the smell of sex and arousal so heady in the air it intoxicates him, makes him insane with his eagerness to please. The Lieutenant’s face is hot when Ash comes, quaking above him with a content exhale, limbs loosely around his head as she falls back, and Kaidan gasps as his cock enters something warm and snug, clenching _so good_ on him that he mewls loudly, stomach muscles convulsing as he looks back down, past Ashley, so hazy in his own head it takes him a second to process what he’s seeing; Shepard is fucking herself onto him, grinning at his shocked face, bobbing up and down so smoothly on her muscled thighs like she loves it there, but he cannot say much beyond a weak cry at her name, blubbering as everything feels so _right_ , his heading hitting back onto the mattress without his permission even though he wants to see, to devour Shepard inbetween his legs with ferocious eyes. It’s like the Commander was waiting for Ashley to be done before sinking down, and Kaidan cannot do much when the Chief crawls around on his chest, her back to him, to face Shepard as they kiss once more, deep and slow, curled up into each other where hands are cupping breasts tenderly. Shepard stops pumping over him to nip Ashley’s throat, rolling her hips in circular motions instead as Ashley gyrates on his skin, rubbing her clit more onto his navel, and Kaidan’s mind starts to fracture, trying to buck up as Shepard clenches down around him again, chuckling into Ashley as the Lieutenant squirms, weight on him too much for him to take control to fuck Shepard the way he so much wants to do so right now, aggressive and yearning as he growls into her ear. His cock is throbbing, and he’s so painfully hard when the Commander grips his balls again, squeezing, that he doesn’t think he could possibly make the sounds coming from his throat, high pitched and needy whines interjecting their names slipping off his tongue as his head falls back again, whisky eyes deliriously wide open, the slow torture causing him to whimper once more in the stuffy air.

‘’You gonna walk around with that shiner forever, Skipper?’’ Ashley mumbles on the bruise she left on the Commander’s face, the bruise the Commander never bothered to treat, colouring up to a nice, deep purple on her dark skin. Shepard huffs, moving her head, tip of her tongue tracing the Chief’s defined jaw to murmur back, ‘’I think it-‘’ Kaidan cranes his head to watch, watches and gapes as Ashley puts pressure on it, the Chief’s sturdy hands on damaged flesh, pressing down firmly on the sore and marring bruise the way she precisely can, and hearing Shepard hiss through her teeth is enough for him to moan frustratedly again, his face flaming as the Commander clamps around him, shifting, ‘’- gives me character.’’ Ashley sniggers against her body, clever fingers trailing up to pinch a nipple, and Kaidan wants to come undone at the sight, his entire body trembling, because his wildest fantasies came nowhere close to what he’s experiencing at the moment, sending him splintering layer by layer as his vocals jarringly fail him, vibrating with agony at the merciless tease.

Shepard is all rich moans and soft noises, except she isn’t, the Lieutenant finding out she comes with a slack jaw in silence as her hips stop rolling around to hang her head back, Ashley immediately diving down to kiss her neck lovingly, holding the Commander’s body as she breathes out hard with Kaidan’s cock still buried hard in her, struggling with mad need to move. He’s so fascinated, watching the two of them, his heart doing backflips and banging in his chest, because everything is rough and messy for a first time, scratch marks left on his body on fire where nails raked over olive tones, and they still for a few precious seconds, time slowing down in the dark as they all get drunk on fervour, low light of Shepard’s cabin catching the sweat glistening off their skins. Kaidan wants to cry out as the Commander raises herself off him suddenly, but it’s muffled at once to an aborted snivel when a hot mouth sucks on his balls while a hand wraps tight, _too tight_ , around the base of his cock, stilling him downwards. He’s greedy, trying to get everything, but he cannot move when Ashley turns back to him, kissing him to taste herself on his sticky lips as Shepard’s tongue is moist and graciously on him, sucking hard as much as she can of him, his hips erratically shaking at the overload his brain feels, biotics threatening to curl out of his fine control. Kaidan’s eyes are glazed when Ashley pulls away, and he glances down at his cock, held up straight and so red with the Commander’s iron grasp on him, because he’s so ready to come but Shepard doesn’t let him, until she finally does; her mouth shifting onto his groin and biting _hard_ , just as her hand strokes him roughly, twisting when she reaches the head, and then Kaidan’s coming onto his own chest with a long, keening moan, muscles clenching and eyes falling shut as he arches his spine, feeling the Chief grin against his parted lips, right where his scars are, satisfied at last.

Shepard nuzzles the sting adoringly where she bit, nose brushing his soft hairs warmly and flat of tongue soothing the burn on the sensitive flesh, and Kaidan’s limbs cannot seem to work, feeling his body melt away as Ashley snuggles up beside him, head burrowed at his neck, before the Commander crawls up on the other side, smiling smugly, keeping the Chief in the middle of the two, flaring biotics. Kaidan is aware of the ropy mess on his chest, his body hair all matted and sticky, but neither of them seem to care, pecking chaste and tired kisses as Ashley mumbles sleepily, ‘’Next time, it’s my turn.’’ He would have something witty to say if he could manage it, but he merely grunts, curling into her and throwing his arm out to reach Shepard, too, who peers back foggily, her face reflecting the same cloudy pleasure, content smirk pulling at the edges, ‘’Good. Because next time, I’m fucking him.’’ The Lieutenant smiles over the Chief’s head, eyes already drooping, exhaustion creeping along their flagging bodies, answers his interest in a quiet, appreciative hum, fading away to the black as he loses sight and feeling of which arms are draped over him and which legs are his in the tangled sheets, disconnected at how much they’re knotted together as his heart overflows with the love he wants to nurture eternally for them.

 


	12. Flux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **sexual content in latter half of chapter again, but not as explicit as the previous chapter

 

The patrons are louder than all the previous times they’ve been in here, alien voices mingling and laughter dispersing into the air, the light, chill music just about overriding unnecessary speech of people Shepard doesn’t care about. It’s so packed, everyone looking to celebrate the thwarting of an apparently very elaborate geth attack, but she managed to weasel Doran into letting her have a tiny table cramped away in a corner, dark strobes of blue and red passing over the faces of Kaidan and Ashley in various patterns as they sit huddled, knees knocking underneath and cheeks flushed with their... third – _fourth?_ – set of drinks. Shepard isn’t bothered, relaxed in her seat and laugh lines worming onto her face, but more importantly, on Kaidan’s and Ash’s, their lips split wide in amusement, teeth showing and eyes squinting while they try not to spill their drinks too much, grinning at each other’s jokes and finding everything ten times funnier with all the various types of alien liquor in their systems that they’ve been determinedly sampling over the hours. She isn’t bothered because nobody pays any attention to the trio easing in the corner, benefit of the gloom helping them avoid anyone looking too closely, everyone minding their own business that they don’t see Ashley’s breath blowing hot on Shepard’s jaw when she sways on her chair, or the heavy palm inching up the Commander’s thigh the longer they stay, nor do they see Kaidan deliberately brushing his fingers over her own when they’re talking, Shepard’s feet resting against the shins of her fellow soldiers.

There’s a sense of happiness and peace the Commander hasn’t truly felt in a long time, as she watches the other two snickering about something new, her mind cloudy and slow but content, skin sweaty from the heat of the stuffed atmosphere as she brings the glass bottle she’s holding up to her lips. Ashley grunts, head turning back to them where she was just eyeing the colourful, blinking lights of the gambling machines suavely inviting her, ‘’I’m gonna,’’ she says, gripping onto the table to stand up, ‘’Gonna try my luck, guys.’’ The Chief stands up, peering down at them in her wrinkled grey t-shirt like they’re far away, but Shepard’s not all that surprised, Ashley’s voice sounding dim and slurry to her own ears, and she watches her swivel on her feet only to immediately knock into a salarian after taking a few steps, guffawing at the alien’s narrowed eyes, simply clapping him jovially on the shoulder like they’re the best of friends before she regains her footing to continue to her destination. Shepard grins, runny eyes back to glancing at Kaidan, who seems overly interested in the bottle the Commander’s holding, looking at it almost cross-eyed and mumbling, ‘’What the hell are you even drinking?’’ She stares at her hands, fancy, transparent glass, long and thin, sparkly coral and gold liquid inside separated within the narrow bottle in two different columns that mix together thick and wonderful in her mouth when she sips it. ‘’I have no idea,’’ she admits, ‘’Ash got it for me. It’s real... pretty, though.’’

‘’It _is_ pretty.’’

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’I want one.’’

Shepard raises an eyebrow as the Lieutenant lurches to his feet, his plain, beige t-shirt sticking to his chest, damp splotches on his upper torso and underarms where he’s sweating, that she harbours fantasies of ripping the offensive clothing off him to run her hands underneath, and he gulps down his remaining whisky shot in one take before coughing and stumbling over to the bar, the Commander watching as he tries, and fails, to squeeze past without jostling anyone, waving an arm haphazardly to get the attention of a server and almost knocking the head of an asari who glares at him none too discreetly. Shepard drains the last of her liquor and sighs, eyes rolling back as the music edges into a trance like state when more filter onto the dance floor to grind unabashedly, tough scales or hides, same difference, the notes weaving inside her brain and making her head spin fantastically, pleasant buzz ringing inbetween her ears she doesn’t want to trade away for anything else right now.  If she concentrates like this, leaning her head back, lids shut against the erratic lights, she can feel herself floating, boots lifting off the floor, brain sluggish as her head detaches, blots of coloured lights appearing and disappearing in her black vision as she feels the slow slide of a sweat drop down her neck, heart strong and thudding rhythmically in her eardrums where time slows down as her euphoria takes over to dismember her limbs.

She doesn’t know how long she sits there, homey, drugged out smile stretching on her lips despite the chaos all around, throat silently groaning for a smoke to feel the cool menthol flowing down her pipe, when she opens her eyes to see Kaidan walking back, as carefully as he can in his clumsy state while he holds three opened bottles of something completely different than what he went for in the first place. He settles down onto his seat, hair sticking up in all the odd angles, and slides one bottle over, sloshing a bit and grazing Shepard’s fingers when she reaches out to collect it.  ‘’It’s an asari specialty,’’ the Lieutenant breathlessly announces, beaming like he’s so proud of himself, eyes excited and shining, pupils dilated as he continues, ‘’The server, she, uh. She recommended this. Said it was better.’’

‘’Bet the price was better, too,’’ Shepard snidely remarks as she takes a swig of the dark, bubbling mauve, liquid much thinner than what she had been previously nursing, sharper and drier on her tongue where she thinks it evaporates magically as her eyes water, face burning as Kaidan keeps his gaze steadily on her glossy lips, his own lips parted hungrily at the sight, shifting to watch the bob of her throat when she swallows. Shepard smirks around the bottle, head foggy and so sloshed but enough to take notice, and she sinks her lips lower down the mouth of the rounded glass, hollowing her cheeks and moving up and down while keeping her eyes on him, her tongue snaking around the top, feeling the beginnings of the throbbing inbetween her legs as she bobs her head. Kaidan doesn’t tear away, eyes wide and like coal in the darkness, scorching her skin as he cups his own bottle tightly, blatantly staring and egging for more, mindless of where they are in public. A hand clamps possessively around Shepard’s neck, not harsh, and Ashley’s breathing on the shell of her ear, thumb rubbing the ridges of the bone and smile tugging on her exhilarated face, ‘’You,’’ she rumbles, ‘’are horrible.’’ The Chief crashes down into her seat after taking a peek at Kaidan’s crotch while Shepard laughs, shivering at the hot air washing over damp skin, and Ash continues, ‘’Guys, I won. I won... _nine_ credits.’’

‘’Incredible,’’ Kaidan’s voice is all husk and heat, words slurry with just a twinge of arousal, but they dissolve into familiar banter again, no talk of geth or Saren or _Sovereign_ , only the graciousness of their trust and spirit overlapping each other when the Lieutenant reflects on Earth, when Ash chuckles about her sisters, when Shepard finds herself tentatively reminiscing on the type of alcoholic substances they had on Mindoir, memories she holds carefully close and guarded to her heart surprising her as they slip from her body to be shared with the two of them, willingly giving them a piece of her past she never divulged to anyone except Anderson.

It’s three quarters into the first shift of the shore leave, and the trio labour to their feet, mind fuzzy and blank, legs like jelly when they head out of Flux, bumping shoulders and stepping on unknown toes not theirs as they giggle into the palms of their hands while keeping their heads ducked from the resulting scowls. Shepard reaches the corridor first, cool, recycled air breezing over her face in the slightly emptier environment, and she turns to see Kaidan’s arm thrown over Ashley’s shoulder, the Chief keeping him standing while they wobble slowly in her direction, trying not to fall over as they snort about something hilarious, no doubt. At that moment, the Commander feels the minute freeze, tunnel vision zooming in on the two as the surroundings fade away to an unimportant haze; concentrating on the identical reddened cheeks and ear splitting smiles enough to hurt, concentrating on Kaidan’s hopelessly sloppy and tousled hair, tufts sticking up in various spots, and on Ashley’s long strands falling out of her bun, dangling around her face and sticking to the sides of her neck, both their t-shirts crumpled and wet from their own sweat and accidentally spilling their drinks onto them. They look ridiculous, messy and fully uncoordinated, two loud drunks hanging onto each other so they don’t topple over, gaining more glowers from aliens who mutter about disgusting humans, but Shepard’s heart skitters as she finds herself raising her left arm, omni-tool springing to life as she snaps a candid picture of them, intending to burn the image and moment into her brain while they remain completely oblivious, because the Commander may be stationary but she's helplessly floundering much more than either of them as she thinks.

The word _love_ crosses Shepard’s mind as she continues to gaze at the duo, since right now, Shepard is happy. So _happy_ that it doesn’t make any sense, because this is so easy, so simple she feels she has somehow stumbled and unlocked her way into a secret room of gross sunshine and rainbows, Kaidan’s and Ashley’s faces shining bright within and illuminating her insides when she closes her eyes in the night cycles, giving her security and a quiet solace while calling her out on her bullshit when she needs someone to, a relationship of equals that Shepard sometimes thinks she’s unworthy of them. She has only ever been in love twice, or she thinks she has; Tem on Mindoir, whom she sneaked out to meet when the colony was asleep, lying in grass fields having soft conversations, drinking and smoking whatever he had managed to steal into the wee hours before sunrise, and Messa, the nicest, sweetest fellow Alliance officer early on in Shepard’s training, where she helped her with learning more than anything else. One died, the other simply fell away. But _this_... this is different, and Shepard knows she is lucky, her heart raring to wrap itself around theirs, to collide and merge beyond the physical that the Commander thinks she’s head over heels in love. Actually _in love_ , with these two soldiers who whisper her name in the dark like a religious prayer, so honourable and virtuous in ways above her. Kaidan and Ash reach the Commander, leaning onto the wall to keep their balance, glancing up at her with curious eyes as she stares back, ‘’Everything alright?’’, one of them asks, doesn’t matter who, because they might be a step away from being completely shitfaced, but they’ll always notice her every expression. _It’s perfect_ , Shepard thinks, ‘’Everything’s alright,’’ Shepard says instead, jaw clamping down on itself before she can cut open her guts with a knife to pour them with it, to drown them in her restrained affection in manners which almost terrifies her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Their second time together is entirely a contrast to their first. Shepard is still racing, for what, she doesn’t know, intending to quickly rip anything off, the want to feel the sting of teeth marks on her body so strong, but it’s Kaidan who stops her, the Lieutenant clasping onto her hands, pressing his forehead onto hers and locking eyes, whispering mildly in a low voice, ‘’What are you rushing for, Shepard?’’

‘’I-‘’

It’s such a straightforward question, so _silly_ , but Shepard can’t answer as she stands there rooted to the deck of her cabin, rooted when she feels Ashley slide up behind her, arms wrapping around her waist in a reassuring hug, her warmth spreading from top to bottom when she presses herself to the Commander's back. Kaidan is unfazed, holds her frowning gaze, immovable as ever as he speaks again, resolute and sure, ‘’You don’t have to keep running.’’ It takes too long to process that statement, her confused brain chugged with booze taking too much time to ponder this, but she finds herself nodding in silence as she feels Ashley’s lips brushing her neck, and then Kaidan’s leading this time. There is no rough tugging of clothes or kissing with bruising intensity, no teeth clicking against the other or nails raking lines harshly on skin. What Shepard experiences is beautifully slow hands trailing down warm flesh, smoothly unzipping pants and gentle pulling off of their shirts over heads when they raise their arms, taking care to caress sensitive areas like a ritual. There are hands everywhere, but nobody is in a dash this time, taking their slow journey to explore in ways they couldn’t before Ilos; running the back of her palms over faces and carding fingers through hair, to feel the exhale of breath over her eyelashes and the synchronised, unfaltering heartbeats as they kiss deep and patient on the bed, the galaxy itself practically stopping for them. Shepard can feel the leisurely slide of tongue over rows of teeth, taste the alcohol on it when she presses her lips to theirs, and she sucks on it, the action shooting straight near her groin, her mind whirling and body dizzy as they’re all still high from hours spent in Flux, lazy smiles plastered on olive faces, lazy palms roaming forever on naked skin as if they’ve never seen each other like this before.

Shepard is stunned, because she’s noticing things which are so glaring to her eyes now, unable to believe she didn’t pick up on these details as she maps their bodies with her lips, trying to worship every inch, trying to memorise every single fine point she’s surprised she hasn’t already. So, she takes note of them now, like the direction in which the hair on Kaidan’s chest swirls as she traces them with the pads of her fingers, tracing down the hair he has on his navel to his hard cock leaking on his belly, uses her tongue to trace that one particular vein from the base to the tip, teasing under the head and making sure to pay attention to his soft whimper. She pays attention to him raising himself on his elbows to look at her while she swallows him, gently sucking on his cock, pulling back up to swirl around the head and jab the tip of her tongue into the slit, filing away the noises he makes when she hums as she deepthroats him, making his arms give way, melting back onto the bed and fisting the sheets as he writhes beautifully beneath her while she casually tastes him. Shepard stares at Ashley’s hands, squinting at the scarred knuckles from all her straight up fighting, cuts that never healed fully covering the skin, that Shepard wonders again how she missed these during their first time, closing her eyes and opening all her other senses to every rough callus on the Chief’s hands running over her hip bones, down further, parting her wet folds and inserting a finger, then two, thumb gentle on her clit. Ashley envelops her in softness, holding Shepard’s shaking hips down as she rubs on the inside of her clenching walls, stroking that spot while her tongue drags and teases her dripping cunt agonisingly, making the Commander want to cry out as she becomes overwhelmed at the pleasure, panting so hard and chest heaving even if everything is much slower than their night before Ilos, senses screaming at the Chief’s talented fingers in her, at the Chief’s lips kissing her mound and nosing the hairs. Glaring, _glaring_ details that are so obvious Shepard’s annoyed at herself for not noticing before, but now she does, notices every tiny mole and every tiny scar, notices all the hitches in breath and delicate sounds they make, searing them into her brain because she will never forget them after tonight.

Shepard comes first, throat failing and lying boneless as she’s given priority, slack jawed as she watches in a daze the two other faces looking at her with eyes so devoted while she lies there, Kaidan leaning to nuzzle her temple and hold her body, strong arm flung over her breasts while the Chief tightens her deep, pink strap-on onto Shepard, helping to support the Commander as they move to fit it. Shepard grins a little at that, closing her eyes in a flood of raw emotion, mind still a bit foggy, and she hears in the distance, words travelling to her excruciatingly slowly, ‘’Don’t like pink, Skipper?’’

‘’I like it on you,’’ she garbles back, tongue heavy in her mouth, ‘’Or in you.’’

There is some groaning and muted laughing, and the Commander opens her eyes to see Kaidan smiling into her shoulder, his nose squished against her flesh while Ashley smirks back, ‘’Wow, that was terrible.’’

‘’I try.’’

She really does, and they still come together as one so easily, Ashley lying down on the mattress, facing up to them and wrapping long legs around Kaidan’s waist, heels resting on the dimples of his back when he bends down to kiss her fondly while still laughing, but that turns into a moan when Shepard’s generously lubed fingers tease at his own entrance, cautiously and slowly stretching him, the cool slickness making him gasp into the Chief’s mouth as she takes her time with him, to get him relaxed and comfortable. Kaidan reaches backwards to grab one of Shepard’s hands to curl around his stomach as he enters Ash, forehead pressed to the Chief’s, sighing on her face, and Shepard curves her own body behind Kaidan’s to carefully enter him, opening her ears once more to listen to what they have to say in the dark without uttering a single word, breathy moans and broken cries carrying a whole conversation she thinks she will understand even in her sleep, like music to her ears, so painfully _them_. They begin to find rhythm, and it’s Kaidan controlling this time, setting the languid pace for the three of them falling into each other so confidently, falling so completely without any misstep, that Shepard can’t quite believe how in tune they all are despite being so clustered together. _Stupid_ , she thinks, when Kaidan lets her rest her forehead on the nape of his neck, inhaling the musky scent of his sweat in his black hair, lets her lick along his amp port scar, letting someone else get so intimate with this private part of him, that she should tell him no biotic should ever let anyone do that, but she shifts to press her cheek against his instead, resting her chin on the hollow of his neck and suffocating at the heat and faint tingle of eezo sprinkled into the air. _Stupid_ , she thinks, when Ashley reaches out to entwine her fingers around hers, hanging on so tightly as the Lieutenant thrusts into her deep and hard, because they’re holding hands while having sex, so cherished, and it eviscerates something in her, makes Shepard feel brittle as she finds herself fraying at the seams staring into the Chief’s eyes, feels her sweat sliding with Kaidan’s as her hips snap with him, drawing exquisite rasps and exclamations of pining, that the gradual realisation hits her with the force of a speeding train.

They’re  _making love_ , and it’s not just her feelings on this, it’s _all three of them_ , that thought so scary because everything still feels like a fantasy, like it’s too good to be true, since this doesn’t happen in real life. Shepard had thought before she would whine around Ashley fucking her, aggressive and nails digging into hips while they kiss equally roughly, or that she would fuck into Kaidan hard while he struggles to keep his voice low, loud and needy piercing the air as they leave their own brand of bruises, trademark of the first time. But this isn’t like the time before Ilos, which was raw and bumpy, banging onto one other and crushing feet with the fear of death looming over them, the desperate need to feel alive for one night in case things didn’t work out quite as planned. This thought is scary because Shepard feels vulnerable, realises with shocking clarity that Kaidan and Ashley are the softest and weakest points of her heart she never considered in depth prior, no longer thinking superficial thoughts she assumed during the hunt for Saren, and it aches inside, so much she doesn’t care for the ache of the physical injury on her fractured arm where they’re clutching her. Shepard bites her lip and shuts her eyes, simultaneously excited and terrified, because she has to wonder, _will this last?_ She doesn’t know, but her emotions are bound to them, so complicatedly woven in a maddening criss-cross she cannot untangle herself now even if she wanted to, lost in the endless maze of their very generous being.

The heart in her chest isn’t slamming into her ribcage, no carrying the wild, teenage hunger muddled with nerves and uncertainty, but instead, beating slow and steady, like the thrumming of heavy bass of a track reverberating in her skull, vibrating along the pulses of their movement like it belongs with them. Shepard hears Ashley releasing one long, pent up breath while she grips both of them, jaw hanging at the mini-second flash of blue when Kaidan sparks directly onto her clit, and she hears the Lieutenant himself growl when she knows she’s hitting the spot in him repeatedly to make him go crazy, feeling him quiver around her, both of them coming an instant apart from each other as they cling on while they crumble, with Shepard above them making comforting, shushing noises as they crash through. It’s like their bodies are spliced together, so fused and wet from love, tethered to each other through circumstance, and they collapse like that onto the bed, too tired to change positions, keeping Kaidan in the middle, nestling into one big, lumpy heat and concentrating on each other’s breathing, that Shepard stops running. Puts both feet on the ground to adamantly be, realising that when it comes to them, her mind is slave to the illogic of her heart, and for these very specific people, she is glad.

 

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU to everyone who has read this all the way! i hope the journey was a fun one, or at least, not too painful :)


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